z

Young Writers Society



absolution

by emoinpink


Spoiler! :
I'm a terrible editor. This has been gathering dust for three months and I'm still not sure what to do with it. All yours, yws.


deep in the dark she cried, “I’m sorry!”-
knelt on the cold hard floor,
sobbed a confession.
a sharpened pencil, her method
of absolution,
and last hours sins
came hurtling up her throat-
(banoffee pie and salty fries)
brushed her teeth and washed out her mouth
the acid in her throat
her penance.
as she slid into bed, absolved, resolved
to do better next time.

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522 Reviews

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Sun May 01, 2011 7:55 pm
Lavvie wrote a review...



Hi there. Lavvi in to review.

I think that I sort of comprehend this. I'm not sure though. Is she bulimic?

It's depressing, which is a subject of popularity, and so it didn't strike me as anything particularly exceptional. It doesn't stand out and I'm unsure what everything means. Expand your vocabulary as well...it's boring without some variation.

Yours,
Lavvi




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382 Reviews

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Mon Apr 18, 2011 6:20 pm
Galerius wrote a review...



Hi emoinpink,

This has been gathering dust for three months and I'm still not sure what to do with it


Keeping it on its present path of cryogenic sleep seems to be the best solution at this point. Actually, no; what isn't alive cannot sleep, and there's really nothing here but a cauldron of bones desperately attempting to twist themselves to life. We have a few spasms of grief, regret, loss. We have some images - the pies and fries could be saved for another, better piece. We don't have a compelling reason for the reader to actually care about what's going on other than to maybe feel a twinge of sorrow.

If you're going for more than that little sting of emotion that does not develop, throw this away. Use the same theme, but expand. The images - what do they stand for? What conflict do they introduce?

Hope that helped,
Galerius




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Sat Apr 16, 2011 2:17 pm
niteowl says...



Wow. I really liked this. The imagery was really powerful. IcyFlame took care of the grammatical nit-picks, so I'll just say great job and keep writing.




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Sat Apr 16, 2011 9:47 am
IcyFlame wrote a review...



Hey! I'm Icy here to review for ya' :)

emoinpink wrote:

#008000 ">Deep in the dark she cried, “I’m sorry!”- #008000 ">I haven't altered an of the oother capitalization at the beginning of words as I'm not sure whether you did this for a particualr reason. Just note that mot poems begin lines with a capital letter, I have changed the first one as I think it should be gramaticall correct in beginning the story your poem tells.
knelt on the cold hard floor,
sobbed a confession.
#008000 ">A#4040FF ">This should also be a capital as it occurs after a full stop. sharpened pencil, her method#008000 ">comma
of absolution,
and last hours sins#008000 ">comma
came hurtling up her throat-
(banoffee pie and salty fries)
brushed her teeth and washed out her mouth#008000 ">comma
the acid in her throat#008000 ">comma
her penance.
as she slid into bed, absolved, resolved#008000 ">comma
to do better next time.




This was really good! Just a few gramatical points but no real issues. It's a well written and well structured poem - well done!





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