Published April 16, 2011
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Canary word: Present
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141,368 Literary Works • 674,383 Reviews
Hi there. Lavvi in to review.
I think that I sort of comprehend this. I'm not sure though. Is she bulimic?
It's depressing, which is a subject of popularity, and so it didn't strike me as anything particularly exceptional. It doesn't stand out and I'm unsure what everything means. Expand your vocabulary as well...it's boring without some variation.
Yours,
Lavvi
Hi emoinpink,
Keeping it on its present path of cryogenic sleep seems to be the best solution at this point. Actually, no; what isn't alive cannot sleep, and there's really nothing here but a cauldron of bones desperately attempting to twist themselves to life. We have a few spasms of grief, regret, loss. We have some images - the pies and fries could be saved for another, better piece. We don't have a compelling reason for the reader to actually care about what's going on other than to maybe feel a twinge of sorrow.
If you're going for more than that little sting of emotion that does not develop, throw this away. Use the same theme, but expand. The images - what do they stand for? What conflict do they introduce?
Hope that helped,
Galerius
Wow. I really liked this. The imagery was really powerful. IcyFlame took care of the grammatical nit-picks, so I'll just say great job and keep writing.
Hey! I'm Icy here to review for ya'
This was really good! Just a few gramatical points but no real issues. It's a well written and well structured poem - well done!