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125,015 Literary Works • 672,847 Reviews
Hey there
This poem was really sweet! I especially like the layout of it.
Like I said before, this poem was really sweet!
Although, I do have to agree with what ireylcadence said when she mentioned the idea of posting something like this on your friends' Facebook wall. It seems to suit that kind of thing better.
Even though I think this, I still really liked your poem. It sounds like my and my best friends friendship actually! One thing I did notice though is that you tend to use commas an awful lot. All you need to do is just get rid of them here and there.
If you want another review from me, just ask in my Will Revie For Food Thread!
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
This is a very sweet poem, to say the least. It's also very readable, another good thing to have.
First, just to nit-pick a little: In the first line, the "your" should "you're". Just a grammar thing, no biggy.
This poem, while it does express how much you love your friend, seems a little bit like a rant, maybe something you'd post on their Facebook wall. I'd add more description into the lines, such as when you say:
Elaborate on that description, go past the basic "brown" and "blue".
I wish you luck on your writing.
Heya - Kyerra, the character (or the person) and the narrator (you, perhaps?) certainly have an intriguing relationship, and I think it would be better if you dwelt for longer on specific aspects of it, rather than listing them all in one big go - it's kind of hard for us to digest it all like that, if you get what I mean. And think about structure a little bit more - play around, experiment! A poem can have a totally different feel just by changing the structure of it. Currently, it's quite 'heart' oriented - I reckon a bit of reader-distancing is in order for us to appreciate it all the more. Give it some subtlety, SHOW us what you mean, rather than telling us; put some imaginative lines in there (come up with some metaphors for each aspect of Kyerra), and it'll do wonders! Hope that has helped
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