I need you

I'm not going to say that the idea is not original, because you know this already.

The thing is, to present a familiar idea in poetry, you've really got to do it differently, in a way we haven't seen before. Firstly, I didn't like the title at all - too obvious, too needy, too desperate and in-your-face; it would have functioned much better as something a little more vague, abstract and colourful than the grey and simple dud of a line, 'I need you.'

The phone falls silent.
I only hear your quiet breathing.

This was alright as beginnings go - not terribly exciting, not a total bore, either - has a very listless feeling to it. I didn't like the 'phones falls silent' bit vs the 'quiet breathing' - you either hear nothing (silence) or you don't (quiet breathing) - seems like a poorly crafted set of lines with such an obvious contradiction weakening the powerful effect of just the silence.

However, I liked the fact that it gave us a scene, a story immediately, without trying too hard.

My heart on the table,
But you refuse to take it.

Possibly my favourite lines in this poem - with an array of different meanings. 'My heart is on the table' - is so quizzical, like you're sitting there, staring at it with your head tilted, wondering why the other character is not taking it. It gets the idea across a lot more subtly than the title, but then again, you couldn't be more obvious if you were screaming. There is also a rather clinical element to all this, a rather economical, tranxactional element - as if it's a trade ('on the table') as opposed to an exchange of feelings. I'd probably say I don't like that element, simply because it makes the love a lot more 'factual' as opposed to 'emotional,' and so deadens the vibrancy of love - but that's just what I reckon.

My pain and devotion splattered on a canvas.
And the painter is discussed at the outcome.

'Splattered' is not very original, but the idea of painting the pain and devotion was good. However, it was too obviously pulled-off to have any kind of impact - you could have been a lot more subtle than this, expanded on the image, built upon it, without ever needing to use the words 'pain' and 'devotion.' There is again a rather clinical edge to the next line ('is discussed at the outcome') - sort of like you're intellectualising the whole moment, thinking about it too hard.

Needless to say, intellectualising an emotion doesn't have much impact, emotion-wise.

Your voice returns.
And my heart jumps,
Up into my throat,
Causing me to stay silent.

Your words slice through me.
There is nothing left,
You don’t care for me.
You don’t want to protect me.
You don’t need me.

I need you,
My painter of truth.

Here was where it got too cliche; the above parts were okay in terms of originality - but even they were loosely hanging by a thread. This was plain, bland, lacking in any kind of depth whatsoever. The lack of imagery contributed to the words sounding insincere and fake - although I am sure they are not - and the stark literal language was a bore. Not a terribly enlightening or interesting ending, either.

So...overall, you began with some sweet ideas and motifs - silence vs noise, bleakness vs colour (painting), truth vs lies - but these were too obviously and plainly executed to have any kind of impact at all. Sure, everyone in that position can relate, but you need a lot more creativity than that to make everyone relate, whether or not they've experienced it.

I love this! It shows pain without being do discriptive. It is simple and good.

I need you,
My painter of truth.

I get why he/she needs this person, but why do they call them their painter of tuth. Isn't this person just blowing him/her off?