I am me.
Not you.
Not her, nor He.
I will soar,
I will glide.
Never wanting more.
I can see,
I can hear,
I will never flee.
You are mine,
And I am yours,
Together we can shine.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
Hey Emmy!
First of all, welcome to YWS!
Now, for your poem! Your poem is highly tautological. But I want more! Unless you are into tautology (which is entirely possible!) I would love to see your own voice come out, as opposed to the obvious statements that you've put here. To make a long story short, I want you to shine through your poem.
Don't be afraid to pour out your soul.
I didn't get much from reading this. The short stanzas seemed stunted, making the 'identity' concept likewise seem stunted as well. 'I am me' - and so what? We KNOW you're not 'him' nor 'her - what's the point of even having this in the poem?
Overall, I really had no idea why you wrote it - or why I should try to read it all to the end (which I did, by the way). Are you writing to see your words on paper, or writing to create images, because you're so inspired, to tell stories and make us think and feel something? Becuase this poem seemed like an experiment on paper...which fell flat.
By the way, I love the concept of identity - I will dive into it headfirst, claws out and teeth bared, as cliche as that sounds - and I hate to see it so blandly slapped in my face, like a shallow poem - a shadow of what it might have been.
Short and simple and yet, some kind of deeper meaning to it. I love the first stanza but the last stanza contradicts it. I think you could do a lot more with this. Possibly, you could add some imagery and feeling. Use some more colorful language. This could be good.
Add more, work on it a little, in time you may create a masterpiece.
Well Emmy, it's short, and simple and as Freak said, pretty easily predictable, and really makes me feel nothing at all. Try reading some more poetry, its like a test, you can't really past if you don't study your subject right?
The rhyme wasn't too bad, but it's just kind of...bland.
Good luck! Keep writing!
~Hope
i like it.
Hey, call me Freak or Fry, if you will.
This poem was...original, but really boring and predictable. It doesn't show my feeling, deepness or intensity. Needs work, but you're fairly new so no worries.
The last stanza contradicts the first, which is really bad.
That's all I can pretty much say...
~PM me for any help or questions.