I did as they said, and followed them. Some might call me an idiot for doing so, but I had little choice. When you have set your mind on doing something there is little you wouldn’t do to achieve it. This was just one of the things that I would do: Following two unknown, slightly creepy men down a dark alleyways in a city I never truly got the time to explore. Real smart, I sarcastically berated myself.
Every once and a while, I saw one of the men look back at me to be sure I was still following. It was an understatement to say that I felt a little on edge.
Finally, we made it to a strange building near the edge of the city. Its wooden walls were scratched with carelessness and abuse. I couldn’t help but frown at the waste.
The two men looked down the two directions the alley went before pulling the cloth to the side and walked in. I hesitantly followed. It was pitch black inside and I instinctively gripped my katana’s handle in anticipation.
As my eyes adjusted to the dark, I realized the men were no longer in this part of the building. They must’ve gone to a different room without my knowledge. I decided to examine the interior. Dozens of scratches also littered the inside similar to the outside. Paintings hung loosely and torn from the walls. What in the world was this place?
Before my mind could fully process this, I felt a sudden pain in the side of my right thigh. I gasped in shock before realizing what had happened. I had been shot by an arrow. I looked down at my leg to see a wooden stick sticking out of my flesh.
I cursed under my breath and quickly unsheathed my katana, “Where are you? What is this?” I asked with little to no patience in my being. I heard the sound of feet slapping barefoot against the wooden floor. Was this person one of the men who had led me here?
My question was immediately answered when a feminine voice called out, “The question is, why are you here?”
I paused, it definitely wasn’t one of the men, “Who are you?” I repeated.
I stayed in place with my katana ready to slice whoever it was down, be it they decided to attack me again. That never happened however. The few ray of sun that made it into the alley and passed the clothes hanging in the doorway were soon take up by more than just me when a small, blond haired girl with stunning green eyes stepped into view. She held a bow in her hand with an arrow ready to fire if I dared to move. Her eyes were focused entirely on me, never blinking.
Unknowingly, I lowered my katana. That was when I realized who this girl was: the girl on the wanted poster. The one I had been searching for, for who knows how long. She was right here in front of me, practically n my grasp, but something stopped me from doing anything.
She was so much younger than how she appeared in the poster, and despite the fact that she aimed an arrow practically at my head, she seemed so harmless. How could a girl like this get a bounty poster saying “Dead or Alive”?
“That is none of your business.” The girl hissed, “The only answer I’ll give you is: I’m the last thing you’ll ever see if you don’t get out of here right now.”
It’s safe to say I had begun to see the harshness in her now. Death threats could do that to people.
Suddenly, two hands tore the bow from being aimed at me and pulled the girl back locking her hands behind her back.
“What are you doing, Sagi?” She turned her head towards the other man, “Ratto?”.
It was the two men again, “Where did you two go?”
He glared at me, “We were looking for this brat. She apparently snuck past us.” He then turned his glare toward her and, much to my displeasure, slapped her, “What did I tell you about attacking people?”
She glared at me, “He came into our sanctuary without any permission as far as I know.” She explained, “Why wouldn’t I attack?”
She made a good point in my mind, but apparently not in the man’s mind, “Idiot! That does not give you a good reason!”
A long silence appeared before Ratto, I believe I heard his name, spoke to me, “Alright, this is the girl, correct?”
“What?” she whispered as I cautiously pulled the poster out. When the poster was in front of her it was as though her face turned to stone. Did she not know she was wanted? That was a stupid question. How wouldn’t she know? Even if she was only a child, being wanted was a big deal.
No, I berated myself; It’s not of my business. She’s wanted because she did something against the law.
I examined the poster in front of me. The golden hair, emerald eyes, the expressions were pretty similar between the two of them: completely pissed off. This definitely was her.
I looked at the men and nodded. Their faces lit up in enthusiasm at the news, “Alright, what happens now then?”
I put the paper back into my kimono, “Now, I take her back to the military headquarters to t urn her in. It say that that’s the only pace she can be taken to specifically on the poster.”
“Wow, wait a minute!” She suddenly yelled struggling to try and pull her arms free from the larger man known as Sagi, “Is someone going to explain to me what’s happening!”
Ratto rolled his eyes, “Shut it.” He order walking towards the doorway next to me, “You’re getting us quite a bit of gold. Just be a good girl and stop talking.”
The girl’s mouth tightened into a scowl, “You’re turning me in for money?” she growled.
“Yes,” he answered bluntly, “a lot of it in fact.” His head turned towards me, “What was it? 2,000 pieces? 3,000?”
I seriously was getting a little annoyed by this guy’s talking, “Something like that.” I answered. In reality, the Wanted Poster said 5,000 gold pieces, but the greed this guy was emanating was sickening. Completely sickening.
“See, that’s a whole lot of dough!” He spouted with an obnoxious chuckle, “Now, c’mon Sagi. Let’s hand her over.”
The large man dragged her over to me. Before he handed her over he took a thin rope and tied it around her wrists. Once done, he shoved her toward me sending her stumbling to try and correct her footing once again. She ran right into me, but immediately backed away a foot with a glare that could kill, “Don’t you dare touch me.” She hissed.
I reluctantly took hold of the ropes binding her wrists and began walking out of the building with her trailing behind me.
“When can we expect our money?” Ratto asked with a sly smile as he tried to look me in the face. I didn’t look back at him, just continued to walk and look forward.
“Let’s say by the end of the month, eh?” he continued clearly not getting the clue.
I gave a low growl I wasn’t sure that he heard, “Fine.”
He gave a triumphant laugh, “Great!”
I had hoped that that was the end of his voice or anything having to do with him, but then the girl who struggled to get free behind me called back to him, “You promised me, Ratto!” she yelled. I could hear the tears in her voice, “You promised you’d help me. This isn’t helping me!”
No answer from him was heard for a while before his voice was back, much more sinister than I remembered, “Farewell Willow.”
As we turned the corner to a different ally way, the girl continued her bellowing and insinuations of deception.
“You betrayed me!”
_________
We made it back to market square. The girl still trailed behind me, but she had long since ended her pleas of help. She had not said a word since she lost sight of those two men. Those two disgusting men. I’d have gladly taken them with me, bounty or not, but that was not what my job was supposed to be. I am meant to bring people who have wronged the laws of the country to justice. This girl did something to earn that 5,000 gold piece bounty. Even if those men put her up to it, which is most-likely.
Even if this is considered justice, is it really. To let those men go. Those men who so easily handed over a girl who had apparently trusted them to some extent for money. Is it really justice to let them go, and take this girl with me to be imprisoned?
My mind was interrupted by the familiar face of Rabu at her produce stall. She had a costumer with her. They looked like they were planning on buying some of those red apples similar to the ones I purchased, but her attention wasn’t on them. She stared in horror . . . right at me. Her gorgeous blue eyes were taking in the sight of me dragging this girl behind me.
At that moment, I felt the same darkness that this job usually made me feel when I had to take away someone. The same guilt and regret.
Rabu took a step to the side of her stall causing her customers to look at her oddly. She watched as we walked away from her, but it didn’t seem like she was watching me. The only other person she could’ve been watching was the girl behind me.
I twisted my head to examine the girl. Her eyes were locked onto Rabu’s as though she was pleading for help.
Did Rabu know this girl? Is that why she didn’t give me any information on her? I shook my head. That doesn’t matter now, I reminded myself, I have the girl. Now stop worrying about everything.
I would have taken my own advice. That’s the only way I had survived so long in this business, but this time was not the case.
“Stop right there!” Rabu’s voice suddenly echoed towards me. I whipped around to see her grabbing something from underneath her stall. Out of mere curiosity, I stayed where I was.
Only when she stepped out of the protection of the stall and walked right up to me did I fully understand what was happening.
Rabu pulled the top of her light blue kimono off from around her arms so that it hung limply from her waste. Bandages covered her chest and that was when I saw them. Just like the ones I saw going up from her fingers to her forearm when I took her hand earlier. Dozens of oddly colored markings covered her arms and upper body.
“Willow,” she called to the girl behind me, “Prepare to run, okay?”
I saw the girl’s head nod sporadically up and down in response. My eyes went away from her to Rabu once more. She held herself differently than she did earlier. Even with almost everyone on the street staring at us, she did not show any sign of fear or humility.
She suddenly took something in her hand. Being a swordsman myself, it would have been embarrassing if I didn’t recognize the scabbard of a katana in her hand.
With a swift motion, she slid the blade from it’s cover letting the shining metal reflect the sun’s rays off of it’s sleek surface.
“I thank you for the gold pieces you had graciously given me earlier.” She told me, dropping the scabbard on the ground by her feet, “But, I’m afraid I won’t allow for you to take that girl.”
She slid down into a horse-back stance and took her blade in both hands, “I’ll fight you if you don’t release her right now.”
It was at that moment that I realized what I was seeing in front of me. The woman I had wondered why she had not been wed earlier, was actually just like me.
She was a swordsman.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hey there! I'm here for a quick review.
So, before I started reviewing this I did a quick read-through of the previous chapter so I'd know what's going on. The problem is, I'm still a bit confused. I don't know why the main character was hunting the girl - as far as I can tell, you never say, and it seems that he doesn't even know what's she's done to deserve being taken in.
I was also confused by the betrayal of the two men. The girl acted like she trusted them, but then they turned on her. Were they working for the main character all along? You might want to make that a bit clearer. (Or maybe you're going to reveal it later.)
As far as your prose, you have quite a few small errors scattered about - things like words that aren't quite being used correctly, small redundancies, and comma errors. If you're not sure if your prose flows naturally, try reading it out loud, and if you keep stumbling over the words there's probably a problem.
Specific things:
I'm not trying to be stereotypical here, but guys don't generally worry about other guys being "creepy," at least not in this way. He may still be worried about going in a dark alley with them, but it would be more because he's afraid of being robbed, rather than reasons a girl might be afraid of them.
Also, "sarcastically berated" is an example of one of those redundancies. The sarcasm is obvious from the sentence - you'd be fine with just "berated."
Anyway, that's all I've got for you! I don't know if you're writing this anymore, but I wish you the best of luck in all your writing endeavors!
Hello again. The stuff I said in regards to your actual writing remains true in this chapter as it did in the last, so I'll just get right to the things I noticed ^^
Your commas are still all over the place. You don't need a comma between creepy and men, unless your character is emphasizing that they hate men as much as they hate creepy people and strangers. You do need a comma after "Real smart" though since it's inner-monologue.
Yeah, so I figured she'd show up sooner than later. You have a small typo in the last sentence.
So what, she can read minds? @_@
Two more typos here.
Again, watch those commas, heheh. Yelled and struggling are two separate actions, so you need a comma between them. Besides that, I love the drama that's being risen here.
By this point, I already felt attached to the poster girl. She's a really strong character, writing wise.
erm, I remember Rabu, but I don't remember their relationship with the main character. A quick reminder here would be uh, forgetful-reader-friendly.
Wow, Rabu is a lot different than she was at first glance, isn't she?
That's about it! This is a great story, so I hope the lack of reviews haven't discouraged you from continuing. Can't just end it on a cliffhanger like this one
Thank you very much for your review
.


I read your other one on the first chapter, but ultimately decided just to reply to this one.
About the comma thing, I kind of have a habit of that which I am trying to get rid of. I appreciate you pointing all of them out so I can fix them though, as well as the trypos
As for the actual comments about the story itself, no, Willow cannot read minds XD that was her response to Salem's question about who she was. I understand how that could be confusing now that I reread it though. I am glad that you like her character, I was a little concerned that I was making her seem . . . annoying, for a lack of better term.
I would like to think with Rabu that her being different than how she was originally interpreted isn't a bad thing
Don't worry, I plan to continue this, although I was a bit concerned when I had gotten no reviews on it however, but your review has comforted me in that aspect
Thank you again
yes!! Please do continue it, I really want to know what happens next ^^