Published October 24, 2015
Libermore. Despite many things that were horrific in the country, I think the most beautiful city that I had ever visited was Sakura. Not really much of a city, but it was larger than most villages. The cherry blossoms that were spread out all over the city covered nearly every turn in a blanket of beautiful pink flowers. Truly one of my most favorite places in the entire godforsaken country.
So, going back wasn’t a very bad thing to do. When I heard that the person I was looking for was wondering around the area of Sakura I merely sighed and prepared myself for the journey. Not much else to do anyways, right?
As I stepped past the entrance of the city the smell of the cherry blossoms overwhelmed all of my senses. It was sweet, tranquil, and was a nice change from the normal scent of surrounding trees of similar green coloration.
I fixed my kimono that had begun to come loose and continued on my way. I clutched the wanted poster of the person I was looking for in my hand while my other hand sat comfortably on my two katana. Assuming that a man carrying katana and a wanted poster wasn’t the typical look of most people, I supposed that I looked like what I generally devoted my time to. A bounty hunter.
I never truthfully cared much for that name. It sounded so selfish. As though getting money was the only motivation someone who hunted for criminals had. I, for one, did it for justice. Anyone who had a bounty and a wanted poster must’ve done something to catch the authority’s attention. It was simply my job to find those people. It was also the best way to find a missing criminal.
I looked around the dirt path’s sides. There were plenty of places to look for this person. The pub, clothing outlets, weaponries, gamblers always had gossip and information; then again they also lied half the time.
Deciding the pub would work to my greatest advantage at the time I walked in through the entrance. A large sheet decorated with tassles at the end covered the doorway and the views of all costumers inside. Said costumers stared at me as I cut through the crowds and sat at the bar. Men who had women surrounding them gave glares as though I had disrespected their ancestors. Bar maids giggled to themselves when other men whispered unheard comments to them. Jokes and insults most-likely directed towards me.
Ignoring them would be for the best, I decided. So, instead of saying anything, I simply motioned for the bartender. He stopped what he was doing immediately and strode over to me. The man's kimono's sleaves were folded up so that he would not get anything on the silk-like material.
“How may I help you today sir?” He asked unusually kindly. His eyes kept trading glances from my eyes to my waist. It was then I understood that he was worried I was going to attack him with my katana.
I gave a small chuckle and pulled my blades and their scabbards from my waist band. Once I set them on the dark wooden bar in front of me, the bartender seemed to relax ever so slightly.
“Just some sake would do.” I told him. He nodded once and went to pour some into a sake cup. The white liquid flowed into the disk-like cup and soon it was full.
He set it in front of me, “So,” I began before he left, “I was hoping you could give me some information on someone I’ve been looking for.”
He looked a bit intrigued for a moment as I laid the wanted poster out, “They don’t know her name, but they have a picture. Have you seen her around here recently?”
He flipped the cloth he was holding onto his shoulder and gleamed down at the paper to study it. The girl in the drawn picture looked about in her teens. She had golden hair and I saw a bit of green on her eyes. The artists for the wanted posters tried their hardest to put color into each of their posters, but they still had black and white ones for when they had to rush. I suppose I was just lucky enough to find one in color.
The bartender shook his head after a while, “I usually spend my days in here. If she never came in here then I couldn’t have seen her.”
I nodded and lifted the sake cup up to my lips. Once the liquid was gone, I set it down and stood to leave. Once I grabbed my katana and the wanted poster the bartender continued, “Even though I don’t, I’ve heard from people who do come in here that there’s some kid who steals from the stalls down the road at the market square. I’d try there if you’re truly set on finding her.”
“Thank you” I said then turned and left the building.
________
My hand went up to block the sun from my eye sights. Rays of light blinded me as I walked down the street toward market square. The sun had begun to go down in the approaching evening. I’d probably have to find somewhere to stay for the night if I didn't find the girl soon. An inn would have to do I suppose. Although, I had hoped to leave before sundown. Oh, well.
The market came into view. Dozens of people had shaggy looking, wooden stands set up in front of them. Most looked to be made out of random pieces of firewood, and nails that were randomly placed. Beautiful, yet poor I reminded myself.
Sakura was never a very economically efficient city. It resided nearly thirty miles to another city named Rodo. Rodo was a large city that had dozens of different factories inside its border. Factories that sold mass quantities of weapons, armor, and assorted supplies. I found it ironic that even though the country of Libermore appeared to be in a peaceful era, it was really in a long lasting war against Teki to the north. I suppose I’m just one of the people who truly thought of it that way. Most just focus on the now. Their personal problems in life. Money, family conflicts, petty drama. Truly Pathetic.
I sighed, but quickly fixed my solemn expression when a young woman waved me over. I smiled and complied with the gesture. She had light brown hair that cascaded down her right shoulder. Her face looked serene and beautiful while her body said the same. How she never was snatched up by a man and was forced to work out in a market is beyond me.
She looked at me beamingly with her bright blue eyes, “Good afternoon, sir” She said politely, but paused and looked up at the sky, “I suppose it’s actually nearly evening now, isn’t it?” She corrected with a kind smile.
“That it is,” I agreed, returning the smile.
She paused again, seemingly studying me before continuing with a gesture towards her produce, “I was hoping I could interest you in buying something. I know apples aren’t that popular around these parts, but I can assure you, their the greatest you’ll ever taste.”
I looked down. Surely enough in a large, woven basket was dozens of bright red apples. The evening sun shone brightly off of them. I smiled. I hadn’t seen apples in a while. Mostly vegetables and rice were sold along with the offered fish or other animal.
I grabbed two of them and examined them in my hand.
“Tell you what,” I began, setting the two chosen apples between us, “I’ll make you a deal. You give me any information you know about this person I’ve been looking for, and I’ll buy these two here.”
She cocked her head to the side and traded glances between me and the apples. She didn’t answer for a long time, so I took it upon myself to goad her on, “How does that sound . . .?”
She looked down and laughed slightly, “Very well.” She held her hand out, “My name is Rabu. What might yours be?”
I hesitated. Typically I was not asked to tell my name to people I met on my travels. Although, this woman didn’t seem like the type to really do anything bad.
I took her hand in my own and bowed, “The name is Salem.” My eyes lingered on her wrist for a second. A noticed oddly colored skin trailing from her fingers, across her wrist, and all the way up until her kimono blocked the view. Scars?
She bowed as well and took her hand back, “Now, what might this information you require be about then?”
I reached inside my kimono and pulled out the poster. Once it was laid out in front of her I began, “I have been looking for this girl and have been led to believe that she resides in this city. I’ve also been told that she has been stealing from this market . . . does shelook familiar to you?”
It was only for a split second, but I was sure I saw a glint in her eye from recognition. Despite that however, she looked back up at me and shook her head, “Sorry, I’ve never seen her before.” was her blunt answer.
She seemed colder now; as though I had done something to offend her. I did my best to ignore it, however, and nodded in understanding. I took the two apples and dropped a few gold coins on the stall. As soon as I did so, I saw her eyes bulge at the shining disks. When she looked back up at me from my action of taking the poster back, her mouth was agape with awe.
“Probably a little much, but keep the change.”
She closed her mouth and studied me with a strange glint in her eye. I ignored it and walked away with another word. I didn’t exactly believe her when she said she didn’t know anything, but I wouldn’t press it.
As I passed by an alleyway, I felt a pair of hands wrap around my upper arm and yank me into the shadowed area. Immediately I pulled out my katana and slashed out at the instigator, but it was stopped with a loud clatter sound. I looked behind me to see two men standing there. One was blocking my sword with a blade of their own. He was a ratty looking man with a dark red kimono that hung loosely around his shoulders. Behind was the other man. He was a bulky looking man who looked like he didn’t really know much about anything.
“What is it you want” I growled as I jumped back towards the alley entrance. My sword was still held up towards them in threatening way.
The rat-looking man held his free hand up in a peaceful gesture, “Easy there. We simply wanted to talk to you.”
When I didn’t lower my katana they gave each other sideways looks before he set his own sword down on the cold ground. I gave him a questioning look, “What?”
The man sneered, “We heard you were looking for a girl. Someone who most-likely has a bounty. You had said she had been seen stealing from these stalls here, correct?”
I gave a questioning nod in hesitation. Were these men seriously trying to say they knew who and where she was? And why did they mention her bounty?
“Well, I think I know who you’re looking for and where she is.” I deflated a little at their answer that almost echoed my question, “And we were hoping, if we were to hand her over to you, that you’d share the bounty, let’s say . . . half and half?”
I cocked my head to the side and lowered my katana slightly, “Why would you care to assist me?”
“We are men of gold. Loving it, taking it, anything for it.” He answered with a sneer that his companion echoed.
These men were serious creeps, “Very well, I’ll take your offer, but first I want to see her and be sure she’s the right girl.”
He nodded in understanding and bent down to retrieve his blade, “Of course.” He said, re-sheathing it, “Follow us then.”
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Hello. I saw the second chapter in the green room and decided to read this before, so this will be ultimately a quick review with some initial thoughts. One thing I noticed was that this is placed in a separate portfolio folder than the second chapter; you should put them in the same folder. That way, both chapters will appear together on the side of the page and someone can jump from one chapter to another in your story.
Your plot and setting is awesome. It's this thrilling, medieval tale starring a bounty hunter. Having to help someone who murdered their family, too...it's just fascinating, at least to me anyway ^^ I like your main character, even if the overall dialogue and inner-monologue could be improved somewhat.
One thing you can work on is the commas, they're all over the place and don't help the story to breathe very well. I suggest you Google some basic comma rules and look over some other stories to see where commas better fit in at.
Thing(s):
I saw you do this twice; just so you know, most likely is two words, you don't need a dash between them.
That's it! See you in chapter two for a (probably) longer review ^^
Hi Kin Happy review day!
Ill review as I read though.
The purpose of the first paragraph is to pull the reader in. Rephrasing what you have already written would make it stronger and more emotive. Repeating the city and country names is not a problem as it will make it stick better in the readers mind for later on in the story. This is how I would write it, you are welcome to copy it as I have merely rephrased you own writing.
Sakura, I think was the most beautiful city I had visited in Livebmore. Despite the many horrific things happening in the country; cherry trees spread out all over the small city, covering nearly every turn in a blanket of beautiful pink flowers. Sakura is one of my favourite places in the entire of godforsaken Libermore.
I like the conversational tone in which the character talks to the reader at the beginning but that this is dropped so that the story can flow later on. How you subtly drop the type of clothing they are wearing and a weapon type is also well done.
One of the problems encountered while writing in first person is the over use of I. if you feel there are too many change the sentence round from this.
I clutched the wanted poster of the person I was looking for in my hand while my other hand sat comfortably on my two katana.
To this structure;
Clutching the wanted poster, of the person I was looking for, in my hand, my other hand sat comfortably on my two katana.
All you have to change is; starting the sentence with a verb phrase, instead of a pronoun then the noun in the middle followed by another verb phrase. Eg; Sitting on a boat, I caught a fish.
The use of I is only prevalent in three of your paragraphs so it is not too necessary to change however if you continue to write in first person it is some thing to keep an eye on.
I appreciate how you let us into the thoughts of the charictor letting us know how they feel about being a bounty hunter. Adding body language to your dialog as you have done so is also great.
The only on the thing I can further contribute is as @PerfectWepon wrote; a read over would benefit it. I find it particularly helpful to read out aloud because it tells me where commas and unneeded words are.
Over all a few changes would add to this great start to a story by making its more gripping and easier to read.
This was really good. I like the concept of the story, and your writing. You have exceptional skills!
This writing was really good. I love details in stories, and this one was great. I think a few more things could have been described. Everything in the story was awesome!
Even though everything was awesome, I think that you should carefully read all of it for punctuation and capitalization. I would also recheck spelling. I think I saw a few errors. Everything else was pretty much awesome!