Published August 4, 2011
I wrote this for a writing assignment and it didn't get an A. I guess my teacher wanted something different. *sheepish*
Rated 12 and up because I don't think anyone younger would really understand it.
i’ve had enough, my mother said.
this old love is just so dead.
i’ve had it, she raged at him.
it’s been so long, we’ve worn so thin.
it’s the end, she told her man.
i’ve struggled and kicked all that i can.
i’ve had enough, my mother said.
and she walked back over to her bed.
i’ve had it, she raged at me.
oh chickadee, why can’t you see?
it’s the end, she told me.
it’s been years, and still, you see,
this apartment looks the same to me.
i’ve had enough, my mother said.
it’s been years, and this love is dead.
i’ve had it, she raged at me.
it’s been ages, you’ve got to fly free.
it’s the end, she said to me.
you’re all grown up, sweet chickadee.
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Love the story and content of this poem but I've got some nitpicking to do I'm afraid :p
* CAPITALS for one... !
* Secondly... Look over you punctuation, I feel like dots and commas are put at all the wrong places.
* A few rhymes sees forced to me.. but not enough to disturb the poem so I think you're good.
* Repetition... I do it myself all the time and sometimes it's a good thing and binds the poem together and other times it just lowers the standard of the piece. In your case I think it was good at times "It's the end" works for me, but "she raged..." was a bit dull to read over and over, there are loads of synonyms you could use instead
The things I loved though was that you've made a strong poem out of a fragile subject! Impressive!
Fix it up and I think it deserves an A, as it is now though it's a bit too many faults and I think your teacher gave you a fair grade
Good Luck & Keep Writing
// Demoness
@LiesOnLies: B-.
What grade did you get for this?
Hi!
I really liked the rhythm of this poem. It had a definite, very strong flow to it, and that was in keeping with the angry, emotional tone. However, I don't see why you didn't use the capitals. When you do something stylish like leaving out the capitals, everyone is going to notice it and puzzle over it, so you should only do it for a good reason. I'm not sure I can see a very good reason for leaving them out here--it doesn't synch with the theme or anything.
Also here:
The mother raging at her child and saying "I've had it" creates an incredibly angry image, but the mother seems to care for her child, wanting her to escape and calling her sweet "chickadee". The conflicting imagery stops me from getting a full understanding of the poem because I'm not sure which image I should be going with -- the raging or the sweet chickadee.
"Walked" sounds so tame, and it doesn't have any imagery connected with it. In a poem you don't use loads of words and space like in a story, so every word should count and contribute something towards the overall meaning, imho, and "walking" is terribly mundane.
I hope that helped! I don't often review poetry, so this probably wasn't as helpful as it could have been. Still, PM or Wall me if you have any questions!
-twit
@justtrying: A chickadee is a type of bird. It's also a pet name.
Thanks for the feedback, everyone!
I don't care about capitalization. I mean, I personally would prefer capitals but oh well. It's not my poem. But I can't see the reason why you would leave out the capitals besides just wanting to. I usually use lack of punctuation or capitalization to emphasize something or because it follows the story somehow. But it's your groove; you do whatever it is you want. Anyway, that aside, first things first, I'm a bit picky with poems, and while the story didn't particularly stand out to me, I thought you wrote it well enough. However there were a few points that I bet you could improve on the writing. Just little things, but for instance
"i’ve had enough, my mother said.
this old love is just so dead."
You could use something other than "just" here because it's clear that this word only serves to make the rhythm. Maybe find a powerful adjective to replace "just so".
"i’ve had enough, my mother said.
and she walked back over to her bed."
"Walked back over" could be replaced with something else, but it's not a big deal. This is just me being picky. n_n
I really like the last stanza though. Short and sweet. Good stuff. But I guess I can see how your teacher didn't like it. I had to deal with that every year -_-
The rhythm is off in a few places, especially when you say: "she raged at me," or "she raged at him," the next few words that follow are off rhythm. The poem was decent and with a little revision could be a lot better. Keep Writing!
Hi there!
I agree with Justtrying, it's an amazing poem, but it's lacking a lot of capitals. Your poem is really emotional and has a lot of mixed feelings in it. I'm not much of a poet, so I can't really give you pointers. Though, I don't think you would need any pointers except for the ones Justtrying pointed out. I like your poem a lot! Awesome job and keep it up!
- gleek456 <3
Its amazing, really. But um, capitals wouldn't hurt anyone, yeah?
Your "I"'s need to be capital, and for some reason I know you haven't done so on purpose (Before your poem, it was all fine.)
I love the way you made "I've had enough, my mother said." so repititive. I personally liked the last stanza a lot. Very well-worded.
Now the first paragraph and the third paragraph were very repititive. At first it was cool and all, but later it just got annoying. So, you might want to do something about that as well.
If I were you're teacher, I'd give an 'A'. Not an 'A+', just an 'A'
By the way, may I just ask, what's/how's (a) 'chickadee' ?
Keep rhyming!
-JT