Published November 26, 2008
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141,439 Literary Works • 674,452 Reviews
Its a bit strange to read lyrics to an actual song at the beginning of a poem, because you start to get on the song track and then your poem comes- a complete miss-match to it. Yes I guess those two lines could be related to your story, but it would have seemed more so if maybe..you had something about "Fever" somewhere in your poem. So basically your just calling it that because you decided to stick the lyrics in here...
This also seems just stuck in there.Its just extremely out of place for me.
This has alot of potential, I hope you can give it all it needs!
I liked that your poem was short, yet conveyed a very deep sense of emotion. There's just a couple suggestions I would make. You could say "a fever" instead of just "fever" in your first line. Otherwise it would sound incomplete. Also, the rhyme scheme in your second and fourth lines doesn't really go well with the rest of the poem. Other than that, this is pretty good work. It's a shame no one else critiqued it yet.