And so the lion fell in love with the lamb.
Like a bird to the sky,
Like a moth to the flame,
Irresistible, unconditional, irrevocable.
The dangerous depth and complexity of their emotion, it was...
Undeniable.
Desire, that fire.
The utopia of love utterly consumed them.
It was the end.
She was gone, he was going.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
This was very interesting. I liked it. It was descriptive and twisting. I thought that it was very beautiful.
My favorite line was
I thought that this was a very deep line. To me it reached the depths of my heart. I liked it a lot. I thought that it explained a great love bond that the boy had with the girl. This poem was an example of that. I loved it. Keep writing. Great job!
Holy Crud! I loved this! It's a bit cliche here and there but I'm a sucker for cliche love. Especially if it sound or relates to anything that has to do with TWILIGHT! OME I can't wait for the MOVIE!!!
Keep it up.
I'm sorry about that.....Anyway I really found no grammar problems. It was good, real good.
This was my favorite line from the poem and it actually made me want to read it.
That had to be my favorite part of the whole thing. It was a simple yet profound statement of exactly how truly there love was there.
Like I said above your short statement was perfect, I wasn't too flattered by the explaining of their emotions again.
This actually made me very sad, you started off with such a good love "story" then ended it rather quickly, and Im really not sure how it was ended. Did she die? Did she leave him? If so, how was their love that strong and it just ended so suddenly with nothing else to say?
All in all I did like it, but it was lacking a little bit. I'm in no way a poet, but I found the entire thing contradictory to the very last line.
Hi!
I feel like you are bringing me in at the end of the story here, there is no build up, you start with what sounds like it should be the closer.
"And so the lion fell in love with the lamb."
Okay great, now tell me why.
Your next two lines are way too cliché and "bird to the sky" doesn't make sense as a simile. Moth to the flame makes sense, seeing as the moth heading to the flame is heading to disaster. However, a bird flying into the sky is not heading towards anything bad (just my thoughts).
After that you throw in a bunch of descriptive words, pretty though they may be, I feel nothing.
The line you chose to close this with was so uneventful that I almost didn’t believe that it was over; my mind was like… that’s it? No more?
I feel very little for your characters here, work on developing them, work on creating something we can feel for. Right now you have a base story of star-crossed love, it’s a story we are used to. You need more, something to draw our attention, and sadly pretty words are not going to cut it.
Work on building this into something more, add more description, and make us feel these characters.
Best of luck
OverEasy
Hi, welcome to YWS.
Firstly, before I review this poem, I should remind you that you should do two reviews of other people's work, before you post anything. Keep a 2:1 ratio and it would be good. My advice is to review at first and then start posting any of your own work.
Okat, onto the review.
First, I think the title and the poem did not match in some places. Like you started off, saying that the Lion fell in love with the Lamb. Then you put metaphors saying that it was the end of both of them.
And so the lion fell in love with the lamb.
Like a bird to the sky,
Like a moth to the flame,
Irresistible, unconditional, irrevocable.
You started the poem as if you had written another part before the this one. You should make it the first part of the poem. I, if I were you, would cut the 'And so' and start with 'The lion'
The dangerous depth and complexity of their emotion, it was...
Undeniable.
Desire, that fire.
The utopia of love utterly consumed them
Well, now this part caught my attention. It had a certain hidden meaning. I liked it.
Well, there were no mistakes to correct, so well done.
Good luck.