Published February 16, 2011
I sat, cross legged in the golden brown chair in the shelter for abused kids. I stared and examined every kids bruise or cut they had from their abusive parents, mine seemed worse. Cut's ran up my arms and down my skinny as can be legs. Bruises covered my perfectly bruised face, a fresh bruise covered my right eye.
"Emi, somebody is here to pick you up." The young girl at the counter called out peering around the room. I nodded and got up, a young man apeared in front of me, suddenly picking up my very light suitcases that the court applied for me. They also gave me underwear and bras. Since I had none of those. I went about wearing now under garmets or bras. Just jeans and a shirt. "Hello honey," the man whispered trying to touch my hand. I pulled back.
"Don't worry, I won't hurt you." I shook my head and we walked into a large parking lot. There was a light blue van parked in front of the building where I sat for two days as they searched for a home for me. It was one call that landed me there, one simple call that got me out of torture.
*two days earlier*
I laid on my bloody capet in my bedroom, my mother's foot kicked at me, ater an hour she left. So did her boyfriend, Doug. I sobbed into my plain white (or should I say bloody red) tee-shirt and after the doors slammed, I began crawling for the kitchen phone. Once I got there I dialed 911 where a young man answered and I began telling my story. Ten minutes later an EMT was at my door, blanket in hand. "Oh Gosh!" I heard him mumble. He was in his twenty's and good looking too. He gathered me into the blanketand held me on the couch as we waited for more EMT'S to arrive. It was that simple.
I shook myself from the memory after I realized the man was called my name.
"Come on dear." I nodded, "You can sit up front, if you want that is." I was being asked? Usually I would be told not asked. I climbed into the farthest back possible, not wanting to disturb the man that soon would become to get to know my story, the one I never tolkd anybody except that EMt who cuddled me on my sofa.
We walked up to a rather large home, children ran around and screamed joyfully and as soon as I got out, I wanted to go hide right away. "Come on dear, don't be afraid." I shook my head as he handed me a card saying Welcome to the family. I frowned and threw the card into my shoulder bag that was positioned on my shoulder carefully.
Authors note: Comment and tell me what you think. I'm new to writing so this is my first story 
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137,563 Literary Works • 672,044 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Okay...well, this is an interesting starting point here for this chapter. Its fairly relaxed as far as the chapter itself is concerned, but there's some rich backstory there and it appears that our protagonist has been through quite a lot in life and is now trying to take a step away from all the horror here. Its a pretty nice premise there.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well, a powerful picture there to start with. Definitely catches your attention right away, there's some good and powerful reinforcement right from the start that we're dealing with a child that has been through some very rough times there.
Okayy...so it appears this child after the whole legal situation and everything was taken care of is now being taken away potentially by some random person by the looks of it. It doesn't seem to be a relative at any rate. And well, its a nice little starting point there.
Well, as tentatively as this person appears to be going along with this situation, it looks like a situation that they actually seem to be liking and slowly coming to terms with, now they have managed to escape from the horrors that put them in this situation.
Hmmm..it looks like we faded into a flashback of the moment the call was made. Well, that was certainly a powerful scene there, it looks like quite a serious situation to have been in, this person has to have been pretty mentally strong to fight through all that pain and make a call like that. It seems like the beating was pretty severe.
Well, its a bit of a mixed bag of emotions there towards the end. On one hand this one being surprised at the pretty nice way their being treated and then we also have a general aversion to touch and people which is all on point, but I detect a slight hint of annoyance in that tone there, and I feel like perhaps that doesn't really belong in this scene, so you may want to look into that one.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, this is a good opening here. There are a few small issues that I mentioned above which need a bit of ironing out, but for the most part you have a pretty solid piece here. I think it'd make for a pretty interesting piece, and one that I'd certainly read at any rate.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hi,these are just a couple things that can be fixed.
In the first paragraph in my opinion you used the word bruise to often. Then in the second paragraph you used the word "now" when I think you meant no. Just go through this add a bit more detail and clean up the sentences, some of them were a bit awkward. "They also gave me underwear and bras. Since I had none of those. I went about wearing now under garmets or bras. Just jeans and a shirt." Like this sentence could be combined and trimmed a bit. Then when you have
"I laid on my bloody capet in my bedroom, my mother's foot kicked at me, ater an hour she left. So did her boyfriend, Doug. I sobbed into my plain white (or should I say bloody red) tee-shirt and after the doors slammed, I began crawling for the kitchen phone." (or should I say bloody red) You could have this as a thought in italics, it'd just look better that way.
Anyway just go through and fix simple errors. I liked it though and I would appreciate it if you kept me posted on when more is up.