I sat on the wood floor, my legs tucked under me and my hands on top of my bag. My exposed feet stuck to the wood with sweat and my hands twisted on the rough material. The way the bottom of my braids tickled the nape of my neck like a feather, continued to annoy me to no end as it had for hours. In front of me there's already a match going on. The brisk, but soft sound of their feet sliding on the mat contrasts with the booming of kicks against hogus. My stomach burned in vague hunger while my eyes drooped, only being held up by adrenaline and a fair bit of fear. No one was in my weight class, leaving an exhibition to be the only option. Also meaning I could be fighting anyone, while not anyone. They would be a girl as per the rules. But that didn’t calm any unease, or the persistent thoughts of a buff giant coming into the ring to smash me like a bug.
As I stood by, as my legs twitched, the goal of pacing a hole into the floor prominent in their minds. My coach was working out an exhibition deal. Before I knew it I was looking up at my competitor. She was thin and tall, the tight curls of her hair just slightly peeking out of her helmet. Her uniform was white and pristine like fresh snow, but sweat still pooled on her brow as it did mine. Docile compared to my imagination but, I knew she had a speed advantage and from the look on her face, she did too.
Of course my coach reiterated my thoughts exactly. “Stay in close, her legs are long and don’t let her intimidate you” he said as the conclusion to his pre match pep talk.
“Who’s house is it?” the beginning of a familiar call and response rings out in the back of my mind. “Mine” my intuitive inner response brings a slight smile to my lips. And before I knew it, the ref's hand went up from between us. The match was on.
Before I could even blink, she was on. Her head kicks were not particularly powerful, but they were almost disorienting. Her foot orbited my head like the earth does the sun. I fought back, but she knew that if she kept me back far enough, her legs would hit every time, while mine would miss just as much. The fight went on in a similar fashion, a penalty here, a point there, but I was still getting killed. Her foot went on, tapping the left side of my helmet, then going over to the right in practiced grace. It was so consistent it could have been comforting if I wasn’t… you know… sparring and losing miserably.
When the match finally ceased, I wasn’t remotely surprised when her hand was lifted, by the ref, symboising her win. I walked off the mat, shoulders slumped and jaw set, but I wasn’t all that upset, mostly disappointed, discouraged. Tears came to my eyes, more from the overwhelm than anything.
Only a few tears actually fell that day before I was overcome with a feeling of fire. Fire in my bones, in my breath, I was on fire. Or was it ice? I couldn’t tell you, but it felt amazing. I had lost but I was on top of the world and anyone who said differently clearly wasn’t on my level. It was adrenaline, a pure, primal, natural chemical induced high. It was also a feeling I’ve been chasing ever since. Huh, who would have thought? A major loss becomes a victory after all… who even decides who loses anyway. I think I won. Why not decide when you win? The cards are in your hands, how will you play them?
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125,025 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
a quick review-
first of all, i loved this piece! you had a lot of really good details, especially in the first paragraph:
“I sat on the wood floor, my legs tucked under me and my hands on top of my bag. My exposed feet stuck to the wood with sweat and my hands twisted on the rough material. The way the bottom of my braids tickled the nape of my neck like a feather, continued to annoy me to no end as it had for hours”
also, it was interesting how it was pretty clear what you were referring to but you didn’t say it right out:
“ No one was in my weight class, leaving an exhibition to be the only option. Also meaning I could be fighting anyone, while not anyone. They would be a girl as per the rules.”
the way you described the match was also really detailed. i liked this sentence especially:
“Her head kicks were not particularly powerful, but they were almost disorienting.”
the last paragraph was interesting, but it felt a little abrupt:
“Only a few tears actually fell that day before I was overcome with a feeling of fire. Fire in my bones, in my breath, I was on fire. Or was it ice? I couldn’t tell you, but it felt amazing.”
one thing you could do is flesh it out a little before, to explain more why she suddenly feels this way.
overall, i loved this piece!
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: This was quite a lovely piece here. Very simple in nature but at the same time quite powerful in terms of what its trying to say here and the message that is hidden within it.
Anyway let's get right to it,
This is an interesting start here. A little bit more of a relaxed opening that one tends to often see in a short story but a pretty interesting one nonetheless. I think there's enough hinted at as far as things happening in the background are concerned that we do find ourselves with a little bit of tension and anticipation of things to come.
Ooooh this is lovely. I think you manage to build this rather realistic environment of the situation this protagonist happens to be in and combine it really quite well with the genuine fear and tension that comes with something like this tournament without overdoing it with anything more than normal.
Ahh this is a lovely little flow here for the fight. I think you manage to ensure we don't get lost while also communicating to us the beats of the fight really quite well here. It definitely manages to drive home the feeling of adrenaline that comes with this style of match rather well I think.
Ooooh this is a beautiful ending. A sobering realistic ending where the opponent that seemed more formidable did in fact manage to pull out the win but the person while a little saddened by the loss manages to overcome it and learn with it and manage to find a way to be happy in the ending. Its a beautiful message there too.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, this was a really enjoyable piece here. I think you end up doing a rather wonderful job of conveying this fight, the anticipation and especially what comes after such a meeting.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
woaahhhh womderful descriptions! i can really see it in my head. the pose, the movements, the sweat, even the actions. it makes me wanna know more…who’s the competitor? or what kind of match was it?
i LOVE how you wrote this. the detail is amazing. it feels like im…there.
good job!
Hi emilyrebecca,
Mailice here with a short review!
It was a very beautiful and intense story. I especially like how the tone of the story changed so much from the beginning to the end, that we see a change of perspective. I think you did a good job of incorporating that, especially to give the reader that typical beginning of a short story.
You have very nice descriptions and a nice and well-developed voice for the narrator. It seems very clear and introspective and I like the way it slowly changes to an extroverted perspective without you really noticing.
You get off to a good start and throughout the story I particularly like that it's clear to see that you've written a lot of descriptions in distinct detail or contrast, like here for example:
It's like a scale that you're trying to balance with this description, and this is only the first time (and at the very beginning) that you've scored with it. Here too, a little later:
I really like how you always put in these double descriptions, describing more than just a one-sided situation. There is clearly more to show and you do that.
What I also liked in the course of the story was the change from a hard silent pessimism to an optimistic loud sound. I like that it gives you some sense of the message you're trying to communicate here and I think that's a good thing with the ending and the inclusion of the title to give the reader a reason to read again and realise what it does.
In summary, a really nice story with a beautiful tone!
Have fun writing!
Mailice
Thank you so much for the review!!
Hey! Forever here with a review!
This was a short and yet very interesting story to read. I would start my review with the beginning. Well, very honestly in the beginning it took me two to three minutes to get hold of the scene. It's completely my own opinion but I think you could start with the match going on part. That is catchier than the beginning you have and it also helps to make the scene clearer to the readers.
Just a little thing. I have no idea about boxing or taekwondo but I think you meant Hogu and not Hogus. Anyway, jumping into the character of the story. Well, we had quite a good change in the character from the beginning to the end. The change from negative mindset to positive mindset was quite great. One thing which I would really like to know is the reason, the reason behind why all of it happened. There should be a reason behind everything. They were worried in the beginning and suddenly their mindset changed and they became optimistic. I understand it was because they lost and didn't want to lose hope. But I would really like a bit of elaboration on that specific part.
And now onto a few things which made me a bit confused besides raising curiosity in me.
Why so? Why were they angry? Were they tired for any reason? If yes, include that. If no, what was the reason? Only fear?
There was this portion where you described that a match was going on and the next moment you jumped on to your own competition ir rather the fight. That was a bit abrupt. In the beginning, I was actually expecting them to just see thw fight because it didn't seem that they were going to fight that soon. But I was proved wrong. I guess including one or two more sentences including a bit of ral tension about the fight would help. I mean see. From where exactly did the competitor arrive? The arrival was too sudden. I would like some description about the room in general. Who else were there in the room? How was the match? It seemed a bit melancholic.
The end lives us with a very beautiful message. It, if I am not very wrong, tells us that there's nothing which can define whether we lose or win. It's only us who has the power to do that and even a very bad loss can be defined as a win. That was great and left the readers thinking for a long time.
Keep Writing!
~Forever
Thanks for the advice!!