Young Writers Society

You could use a little bit of help on the capitalization, spelling and word placement. However your mind is in the right place, taking real life experiances and expressing them in your work is a great way to capture emotion and action. I believe you can be a great writer if you only put your mind to it. You just have to give your writing a little more time and care. Just try to proof read your work before you submit it and perhaps try to oranize your lines to provide a more dramatic flair.

I think that you could develop this into a bigger story
I think it would work quite well, but you could make twists in it, to make it more complicated. Like she could be wrapped up in some bigger thing between her and some people.
So develop is what i say :3

The number one problem I saw with it was the capitalization of all the sentences and the spelling errors.

But I loved the idea and the meaning behind it. It is certainly a story many people can relate to. It's quite an interesting little short thing that I personally think is perfect with detail and length. There are certain things that can get away with being really short, and this is one of them.

In my personal opinion I think the title would have been just fine with just, "Hey You," rather than the "Over There," because the entire thing is basically about her saying, "Hey You," while she just said, "Over There," once. But I do like the title and I think is is very appropriate for this. I wasn't thinking it was going to be about this when I just read the title, so I liked the surprise.

Try to break this up into paragraphs so it's not just a block of text. You could even add some quotation marks to really get into the story and for her to be talking.

The last thing I would like to say is I think this would make a perfect poem. If you would just separate it into stanzas and make it flow a bit more it would sound great as a poem. Maybe even add in a couple rhymes if you wanted to change it up a little more and make it sound more musical. That's just my opinion:)

It sounds like it'd be a song. I like that you based it on a true story! Please re-read and spell check your work. I found many spelling erors.

Hello there.

emilym1178 wrote:Comment. Gimme feedback. this is a true story but, names have been changed. haha. so yeah let me know what you thinkk.


#FF0000 ">Hey you! #FF0000 ">Yeah you, with the short brown hair and the chestnut brown eyes that #FF0000 ">I could look at all day.
#FF0000 ">Yep, you, with the genuine laugh and adorable smile.
#FF0000 ">You #FF0000 ">that gives the sweetest hugs, the ones that I love so much.
#FF0000 ">You, who gets me through my serious ups and downs.
#FF0000 ">You, who keeps me on track and helps me stay focused.
#FF0000 ">You with the athletic body that isn't over worked.
#FF0000 ">You, with the comments that brighten my day.
#FF0000 ">Yeah you.
#FF0000 ">Yeah, #FF0000 ">I'm talking about you Justin.
You. My best friend. My support system. My rock. Did it ever occur to you that #FF0000 ">I just might be in love with you?
No. It didn't. To you...#FF0000 ">Yes I'm still talking to you...#FF0000 ">I will always just be Emily.
Emily your best friend, that is nothing more than your best friend. News flash...your best friend...loves you. I love you. Yeah, I'm talking to you. You over there. Do you hear me now#FF0000 ">? #FF0000 ">Because you obviously can't see the signs. #FF0000 ">Yeah thanks for finally noticing.

who gets me through my serious ups and downs.

Hello.

Alright, I really think this needs a lot of work. I find it lacking in a lot of aspects and I'm really sure you can turn this into something better.

First of all, I think you should really fix your grammar. Some people on this site are really picky with grammar and wouldn't even review this piece for that sole reason. I don't want to go through this word for word and correct the grammar. I'm sure you know the basics. Capitalize 'i', and the beginning of your sentences. Questions such as:

Do you hear me now...