Published May 21, 2013
His tongue is as sweet as his venom.
We are the prey he seeks.
The movement of his hypnotic tongue;
lures us in closer until we sense danger.
He makes us feel safe again with his soothing hiss'.
As soon as we get too close,
He'll pounce and bite us.
Injecting his sweet posion into our bodies.
When he releases his grip,
He'll start the calming hissing making,
Everything feel alight;
Until we are fully under his control.
Then he eats us,
And we're okay with it;
Because his tongue makes us believe we are safe.
Even while we're dying.
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141,455 Literary Works • 674,469 Reviews
Hi there, Emily,
Here, it's a little hard to distinguish that you aren't talking about a literal snake, because there's no moment in the poem where you hint at his humanness in any form. I suppose that's kind of the point, but my point here is that you can do a lot more with this.
From the description your included with your poem, I believe this is about metaphorical venom and not literal, ja?
For starters, I think it would do this poem well to tell us something about the appeal of this... snake, for lack of a better word. Why do people seem drawn to him? What makes you feel safe? Poetry is an opportunity for you to turn basic narratives into exciting tales combined with vivid imagery, and I think you're well on your way to doing that here, dear. I'm just afraid that there's a bit of a lapse between likening him to a snake and keeping him human.
Lastly! Pay attention to your poem's stylistic flow. You want every line to connect to the next so that it doesn't feel like we're reading a series of fragments! Read your poem aloud to yourself when it's finished to get a feel for how it flows.
Best of luck,
June
Just a few things:
Grammar:
"The movement of his hypnotic tongue;
lures us in closer until we sense danger."
So the ; is not necessary here, and doesn't fit. Take it out.
"Everything feel alight;"
Same deal here, it isn't needed. Also it's spelled "alright"
"And we're okay with it;"
Again the ; isn't needed.
Structure:
I would break this up into stanzas, if you need help with that if that's what you decide to do, just message me.
Conent:
I think the comparison of a man to a snake is a common thing. At least I've heard several songs use this comparison. I would find something new to compare a man like this too. Otherwise you run into alot of cliches as you have done here.
Good luck and keep writing!
~Kay
Other then the spelling/grammer errors I loved it. You really described what that guy did quite well. I disagree,I don't reallly think anything should be moved. This is one of thoe poems though where I feel a little rythm or rhyme would have been a nice touch and I think you mention his tounge a little too much because we still want to get the idea that you are comparing this person to a snake. But I really liked it and thought it was very well written
Keep it up
~Speakerskat
This is really good! The comparison is so creative and so thorough and overall really really well-written!
3 little things to fix:
1. "poison" is spelled wrong in the eighth line
2. "alright" is missing the R in like 11
3. I personally think "making" should be moved down to the next line so it's "He'll start the calming hissing,/Making everything feel alright
Other than those things i loved it!
Nice job and keep writing! -Heather