A moment passed, white hot silence filling your moonlit bedroom. You were so close, yet felt too far away. Though my body was tightly wrapped in your arms, the distance between our lips felt like miles, rather than inches. Your eyes had me captivated, their gentle blue coaxing me closer, further shrinking the space between us. Every inch of my being wanted this; wanted to melt into you. Accompanying your every inhale was the pressure of your chest against my side. Your fingers, laced with mine, were the only things keeping me grounded; the only things keeping me from collapsing into you. A moment passed, each of us drinking in each other's presence until we could bear it no longer. Your lips collided with mine all at once, sending a whole new surge of emotions surging through me.
Our kiss was rushed at first, each of us gasping for the air that we could only find within each other. I quickly switched from sitting beside you to straddling your hips, facing you. Your hands drifted from their clutch around mine to find their favorite resting place; sitting gingerly on the curve of my hips. No matter how close we got, there was always too great a space between our bodies. I let my hands explore, feeling out every tightened muscle in your toned arms. I felt your shudders beneath my hands, each one driving me to melt deeper into our shared space. I removed my hands from your lap, slipping them under your arms. I let my fingers trace against the beautifully sculpted muscles in your shoulders. Following my hands was your soft cotton shirt, bunching up in my fists. Your spine arched under the contact of my hands, pushing your muscular chest harder against me. Amidst the aggressive, passionate heat between us, your soft, gentle lips remained calm against my rough ones. Your lips were cool in the blaze we'd created. Every time our lips broke apart for even a fraction of a second, my heart was set ablaze all over again.
Our breathing had become heavy, both of us sputtering from lack of air. You were the one who broke our binding; broke the seal between our lips. Your kisses found their way from my lips to my cheeks, then from my cheeks to my forehead. Though our shared kiss had broken, our hands remained unmoved; yours on my hips, mine against the small of your back. Your lips on my forehead were soon replaced by your own forehead, and I found myself gazing into your eyes once again, you returning the gesture. My muscles loosened in the moment, relaxing into you. I let my head rest on your shoulder, my eyes fluttering shut. I drank in every bit of your cologne, it's lemon-musty fragrance embedding itself in my memory. Your lips met my ear lovingly, whispering, though there was no one around to hear you but me. It was just us, alone, seated atop the dark silk comforter of your bed. You left one phrase to bounce about my mind; "I love you."
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125,014 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
BOOOM *appears in a rush of smoke and the black swirl of a cape*
I have come to review thy work, puny mortal.
For starters, I would like to applaud your use of the first and second person pronouns. It's an uncommon point of view amongst writers, but you used it well. Thankfully it doesn't read like a letter, as many pieces of this type do. It reads like a narration, which is what it is.
HOWEVER. (Aw, we knew that was coming.)
I would like to point out that there are some cliches to avoid here. Now I know this is the pot calling the kettle black. I am cliche guilty. But I'll still call other people out on it because I'm a terrible hypocrite.
"You were so close, yet felt too far away."
Oh dear. This turn of phrase has been terribly overused. I'd like to strangle it right out of your beautiful piece, because it has no place here.
"I let my hands explore, feeling out every tightened muscle in your toned arms."
Whenever you're writing a sexy/ love scene, try to avoid the word explore. It's not very original and it tends to fall flat
You talk a lot about how this dude is toned and muscular, which is great, but when you specify it in so many words, it seems to very basic. Try to impart his smexiness without coming out and saying it, like describing the firmness of his flesh or how the narrator believes him to be more well-made than one of God's angels.
"Your lips were the calm in the storm that was our love."
Sweet Jesus, that sentence had me going hard until you hit "storm that was our love". Again, it's been over-used in the past and I want to un-alive it.
"Our breathing had become heavy, both of us sputtering from lack of air"
The tense just changed twice in that sentence. It's awkward, but an easy fix. Don't sweat that one.
"I love you, my sweet baby girl."
Up until now this scene is pretty steamy, but that kind of knocks the mood over, and just as the piece is wrapping up too! It makes it sound like she's kissing her dad or something. Incest. EW. That's what comes to mind. However, again, this is an easy fix. You can just cut it off at 'I love you,' which, in my opinion, is a far more powerful and resonant way to finish off. Or you can replace 'my sweet baby girl' with an OC name or a different, sexier pet name.
Also, did you realize that "The Perfect Storm" is the title of another work? It was a nonfiction book, turned into a movie. I've read the book and seen the movie trailer. It has basically nothing to do with this piece. You might want to ditch the idea of storms for this piece and replace it with an idea about fire, since you spoke about fire and heat more than once. I like how it simmers down to something truly tender right at the end, so the imagery that comes to mind there is embers or coals burning down to a comforting sort of warmth. You see what I mean?
Besides this, I would recommend reading through aloud to yourself. I just tell everyone to do this regardless of how good or bad the work is, because it truly is such a valuable technique. I have read hundred-page manuscripts out loud to myself simply because it catches so many mistakes that your brain and eyes would have overlooked. Always remember that your brain and eyes are horrid little tricksters, not to be trusted to their own devices. A glance at any optical illusion will tell you that.
ANYWAY. (Dear god, the negative bits in the middle of this review seem so long. Better rectify that. I do really like this piece and I don't want to trash talk it).
Your imagery is astounding if you overlook the cliches. You've made this scene really sexy and steamy without ever crossing the PG-13 rating line, which I admire. I love the pure emotion you have expressed here. This is truly what it is like to be in love- to wish with all of your heart that you and your lover could occupy the same space in the same moment despite all the laws of physics. You give it your all and though you don't succeed in melting our bodies into one, you might accidentally get your souls tangled up forever. It's such a beautiful idea and you portray it well: better than I ever did, I might add.
In other words, coming from a very picky writer/reader with high standards, you're pretty great!
Hey there!
To begin, I have to say you are really good writer. This piece was pretty well written, and I enjoyed it (not to sound weird). The detail was very present, but I found there was more action carried out, than what the character was feeling. Maybe describe electricity tingling through her spine? And there were a few grammatical errors, but that's just human, right?
Overall, well done. I liked it, and I hope to see more!
Thank you
No problem!