Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
I was consumed by passion as our bodies melded into one. Lips, hands, hearts; all becoming one. We were consumed by desire and faintly heard “I love you’s.” Your lips remained unchanged, pulling at the soft skin of my own, but in one swift motion, your hands danced from my hips, which were straddling your own, to around the bottom my thighs. You lifted me from your lap, rising from the sitting position you’d been in. The creaky wooden chair we’d once been sitting in gave a shrill cry as our weight was removed from it. We paid little heed to the sound, as we were alone in your cozy log cabin, no one nearby to be disturbed by it.
The transition from the kitchen chair to the cushiony mattress of your bed was swift. I’d never have noticed we’d moved, had you not switched off the lights as we relocated. I’d only noticed the change in setting when I could no longer see the setting we were in. Before, the warm light of the kitchen chandelier emanated dull yellow rays. Now, the only available light was that of the moon shining through your window. I didn’t mind though. I didn’t need to see you with my eyes— I could let my hands paint the picture.
Once you’d laid me down atop your soft, down comforter, all gaps between us were closed. I laid on my left side, my back against the wall beside your bed. With the hand of my left arm, I combed through your thick dark hair, knotting it in my palms. You faced me, your right side lining your bed. The hand of your right arm had come to rest delicately on my left shoulder, your thin, gentle fingers pressing harder into the fleshy spot behind my shoulder bone as my lips challenged yours. With our free arms, we explored each others’ side. Your hand caressed the dips and curves of my waist, slipping over the swell of my hip before slowly, teasingly making its way back in the direction of my chest, where it would eventually come to rest. With my own hand, I traced each muscle in your back. I tugged on your bottom lip with my teeth, forcing your back to arch as you countered. I felt my way to the small of your back, teasing your waistline with my fingers before reversing. My palms rose to your neck, accompanied by your soft, red shirt, which had bunched up in my hands. Momentarily our seal broke, your lips pulling back from my own. In one swift motion, you tugged at the back of your bunched-up shirt, removing it.
I was quick to diminish the space between us once more, desperately trying to close the nonexistent space separating us. Rather than return my hand to the base of your neck where it had been before you’d rid yourself of your shirt, I let it venture over your newly exposed skin. I skimmed over every ridge in your toned abs, tracing back and forth over the places I knew would make you sigh. Damn, it was hot when you did that. I loved the faint vibration of your vocal chords against my lips when you sighed as we kissed.
It soon became my turn to rid myself of some clothing. Unlike you, I’d been adorning a hoodie—your hoodie— so there were a few more layers to my outfit than yours. You slipped your hands beneath the sweatshirt, guiding it upwards and off my body. Beneath it was my favorite shirt- a tight black crop top. In the position I was in, the shirt exposed the soft, pale flesh of my stomach. After the removal of my—your—hoodie, your lips grew more adventurous. You tugged at my bottom lip with your teeth, pulling back and away from my mouth. Your teeth grazed up my cheek, nipping at the soft skin. Your gentle kisses found their way from my mouth to my ear. I felt your hand lift away from my waist, shifting to comb back my thick, curly hair from my ear. You knew just how to make me melt. Time slowed down as you nibbled at my earlobe. Just as you’d done before, I produced a sigh.
You lined my body with kisses, trailing your lips from my ear, down the tender skin of my neck, all the way to my exposed stomach. Your teeth and tongue toyed with my skin in rhythm, one after the other. As you teased the skin on my stomach, I did the same to the skin of your neck. I coaxed the skin upward, holding it momentarily between my teeth.
The night progressed in that fashion, soon leaving us a tangle of limbs. Two human beings crushed into one. A sea of kisses and faint “I love yous.”
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128,184 Literary Works • 671,488 Reviews
"A little piece to satisfy your inner romance craving" and it surely did. I'm not a big fan of romance, but I love good descriptions that are able to make you feel the story.. which this piece did. It's clichè, it's sweet but it's still a good piece of work.
We don't get alot of information about the characters in this piece, which makes me think this is a part of a short story, not the story itself. It's not exaclty something you could work on but a story needs and ending, not just descriptions.
Please, keep up the good work!
Hi there Emily!
You haven't strayed far from what is considered to be the cliches of an intimate scene between two lovers, but at the same time love itself is somewhat of a cliche. You've done a good job with this – the descriptions are apt and true and the piece flows parallel to the events taking place. Well done.
The first reviewer is correct: "I love you's" should actually be "I love yous". I know it looks weird, but the alternative is worse.
As much as I like this scene you have written, that's also the main issue: it's just a scene. It's not a short story. There's no action or tension or build up, which is kind of a shame since those are rather important qualities when it comes to romance writing of any sort. Currently, this is just two people making love, which is all fine and dandy until you question the purpose of the piece. What exactly are you trying to achieve? What has been accomplished since the story started? Right now, not much because the opening scene is the two getting cosy on a kitchen chair and the only difference by the end is that things have majorly heated up and they're on the bed. Lucky for you, the scene is wonderfully written so I doubt it would be difficult for you to throw in a bit more story parts. I would suggest that you consider an opening that leads up to this intimate scene. That way, you have tension build-up and the reader will have more of a chance to know who these characters are. Why is it important that they share such a loving scene together? I think it's undeniable that these two are not really experiencing lust – because that implies something that's more animalistic – but rather true love and the beauty of it. Why is this happening? I'm curious. Addressing these questions will round out your "story" a bit more and actually make it more story-like, because you'll form something of a plot.
I have no problem with the so-called cliches surrounding the descriptions of the actions, simply for the reason that I mentioned above: love is cliche. It's too often that people find the romantic descriptions old and overused – which is true – but they're also appropriate and accurate, so I disagree with what the reviewer before me said about sex cliches. Your writing is well balanced so they don't jump out as me as being sickeningly mushy and romantic. I would also advise against using such words as "lust" because it's evident that this scene is one that is trying to convey the love between two people. Naturally, lust is part of the equation but you're trying to focus on the gentle, more intricate emotions of the two participants. This is why your story is romance fiction and not erotica.
Overall, I'm rather impressed. Let me know when you have other things written and if you decide to flesh out the plot of this a bit more.
Best,
Lavvie
3 small notes before I give my general impressions of this story.
1. IMO this should be age-restricted to some degree. There's a lot of implied sexual activity and it'd be better to be on the safe side than risk your story getting removed.
2. You misused the word "adorning" in the third to last paragraph. It means to put something onto something. You used it in the place of "wearing" when it would more accurately replace "decorating."
3. The grammar in the title and last sentence is incorrect. there would be no apostrophe in "yous." The apostrophe implies possession, which doesn't make any sense.
I thought that this was a very well-done romance scene. It was very descriptive and visceral. My biggest complaint would be that I find specific body-movement descriptions hard to follow, but that could just be me.
What I think is less subjective is that your flow could use some work. Several times you stopped in the middle of an action-filled sentence to give a meaningless detail (like with the crop-top).
I also think that some of the descriptions of sex were a bit cliched, like "consumed by passion." It would be a lot more interesting if you came up with your own phrase. For example: "devoured by lust."
Other than these gripes, good job! I hope to see your work in the future.