We were so close; almost inseparable.
Living as two human beings with one beating heart.
You weren't just my love, you were the blood that pumped through me; the very thing keeping me alive.
"Baby, I love you," You'd whisper into my ear. The warmth of your breath turning into that of my soul. Warming first my ear, then my heart.
"I love you too, babe," I'd return, smiling from ear to ear.
Never did I expect things to change so quickly.
Never did I think that so much of my small existence could be ripped away by just one phrase.
"I don't love you anymore."
Just that one line, whispered into my ear through the static of a phone call.
How could things change so quickly?
What had happened to the days where your calm voice soothed my heart?
Tears streamed down my face as my fragile being faded.
You had become the better half of me, and now, as you drifted farther and farther from my reaches, you were tearing me apart.
What had once been my heart was just an empty space.
My blood trickled away, killing me slowly.
You were my blood; the very thing keeping me alive.
Now that you'd left me, I had nothing left to make my heart beat.
You were the warmth in my body, and now that you'd left, I grew cold.
You're departure was my death.
You made me whole.
You were the important half of me.
Now, without you, I was nothing.
Without you, I cease to live.
I cease to exist.
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125,012 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Wow! I really hope this isn't real life for you!! If so, I'm sorry. This has a brooding tone to it, like you'll die without your lover. I really love that kind of stuff in poems and writing, because it's compelling and makes me keep reading. You do an outstanding job on this poem!!!!!
This is very heartfelt and true. I currently have a boyfriend (my first) so I hope I'll never have to feel this way. The same for you too, because I can only imagine the heartbreak that someone would feel.
Congratulations on this poem! I enjoyed it, and found it very interesting indeed. I have no negative comments, just the positives. I'm new, and I have posts under the author name CatLover211 if you'd like to read my work/comment. Happy writing to you, and I hope you're not feeling this way!
I really, really enjoyed this piece!
Hey Will here with a review.
So, let's start off with the positives. It was quite short, but enjoyable, which made it a great read. I loved your ending, middle, and your ending. All flowed really well.
One thing I did notice was your choice of words - excellent. In such a short piece, choosing the right words is extremely important. I mean, choosing elaborate words is bad for the reader, and simple words aren't good anyhow. However, your words - perfection.
Now let's get on to the negatives:
Okay, so storyline. It was...how do I phrase this? Okay, it was slightly underdone. You had it going in some places, but then in others it was just...drab (I'm so sorry if this is harsh).
I think one thing you do need to do is a plan. Plan out your story. Here's a quick breakdown of how I do my planning:
~Characters:
I usually make a table with all my characters on one side and their traits on the other. It'll probably look something like this:
Bob Looks great. Is shy. Black hair. Blue eyes. Has cancer.
Jack Is in love with Jill. Goes up the hill. Gets water. Falls.
Jill Hates Jack. Goes up the hill. Pushes Jack off.
So that's one thing I do. The second thing I do is plan out my storyline:
1. Start with an action scene. Jack is throwing water. Jill is shooting Jack.
2. Go to the hospital. Bob is there. Crying. Mom and Dad there as well. Describe emotions.
3. Etc, etc.
I think that is probably your most needed step. I don't think you have done that at all.
NEVER start a story with, 'Yea.' It ruins the whole thing even before you start reading. NEVER EVER do that. Seriously, it's like the anxiety before a theme park ride. Ruins the whole experience.
NEVER end a story with, 'Yea.' It ruins the whole thing. NEVER EVER do that. Seriously, it's like the vomit after a theme park ride. Ruins the whole experience.
I think this sentence may be a bit too drab. Maybe a little emotion?
Yea, I really liked those shoes. They were a bit expensive tho.
See how much difference that makes?
Anyway, I could go on forever like this, but I won't. Welcome to YWS and keep trying harder!
-willachilles
p.s.
You are simply the greatest person ever.
what is this. if you dont wish to write do not write or publish anything as vague as this . while thinking the name u used ur brain and with so brilliant a name as to attract others and then opening the link such a disappointment. PLEASE DO NOT REPEAT THIS THING . EVERY TIME YOU MAY NOT CREATE A POEM. but u should then not publish a meaningless verse. too mean of u.
Yea!
I love it!
(XD)
what...? tbh im really disappointed, that seemed super interesting just to find out you wrote nothing??? i really hope that was some type of error and that you will actually write a full story. You dont even know the amount of sadness i felt went i opened this and all i saw was just the word yea
Omg I didn't realize that the happened. I pasted the wrong thing.