Forgotten Domain

Hey, hey ^^

Alright so my first thoughts are that this feels a little disjointed and while there's somewhere there, the flow isn't quite right and the tone's a little off. Perhaps your word choice could have been stronger in places and you certainly could have smoothed a few lines out. So! Here's a few pieces of advice...

I walk alone. [This line is a little ordinary for a first line. It's dramatic in its brevity but stale in its sentiment since its been heard a hundred times before. I'd rather see something that suggests you are alone. What do you think of when you think the word loneliness? An empty swing in a run-down playground, still swaying. Or a red and white scarf caught in the branch of a tree, surrounded by other trees. I think a metaphor or simile would work really nicely here and give your reader a strong visual to grab hold of.]
Everyone has gone
and left me.
When will my time also come? [Try to avoid direct questions if you can. It is far better to just leave suggestions of them hear and there, leave echoes and let your readers ask the questions instead. Show us that she is alone, that no others are there and let the reader ask why?]

I pass my old home,
remember the cracked leather
of the sofa [I'm liking 'cracked leather' a lot, but maybe tag on another line to describe the feel of it? Too often writers forget that sight is just a single sense. There's so much to be had from touch and sound and smell and even taste. If you really want to build the atmosphere, you had to delve deeper than the surface.]
and the way my cockier spaniel
used to curl up at my feet.

The stanza after this is a bit flat, I'd suggest re-writing it, maybe removing it. I don't think it adds anything to the rest of the poem.

I walk past the plowed fields
the empty corn stands shivering [Better. There's some nice images in this one and I like the progression of her walking, though it might have been nice to have something about the street and something very urban between the home stanza and this more rural one.]
and the ghost flowers now rule
the forgotten domain

The stanza after this is another that doesn't add much. Could easily be removed as well.

And then your ending. I felt that it could have been a bit firmer in its image and softer too. What is the message you want to leave with the reader? Because right now it's hard to pick out. You don't have any resolution and the loneliness is still there, though it's spoken of rather than felt. But what did you want to leave us with, what feeling? I think you need to ask yourself that before you can write a more solid finish.

Also, just a quick note on puntuation. You could do with more of it. This was hard to read at times and if you want your reader to feel the loneliness, you need sentences that en in full stops or are cut through with dashes. The punctuation shows a reader how to read each line. Emily Dickinson can show more loneliness in a dash than a you'll find in a whole string of words. So experiment with it, that's the best way to learn.

Hopefully you'll find this useful! And send me a pm if you've got any questions,

Heather xxx

Hi dear,
I like this. I love the soft tone used and the fact that anyone can understand it. Good work.

sorry rhyming is tough for me, free verse comes easily to me

I must commend you for your vivid imagination, you manage to make me imagine the scenes you were writing and feeling as if I was there. I just hope for more rhymes ..

Hey emily,

A few corrections:

I walked alone.
wWhile I raise my wings

the empty corn stands shivering comma
and the ghost flowers now rul

Hi there!

I really like this poem. It's written very well, no grammer or spelling mistakes. I can tell you put some time into this, making it better. It flows well and has a lot of emotion in it.

emilybwrites wrote:I stand here
feel the turning earth
below me,
I realize
my time has come.

I was alone.
I walked alone.
while I raise my wings
and take off into the night,
I silently say goodbye.

thanks

I followed you and I really liked this. I hope you get a lot of likes and I was the first to like you so I am happy I was the first because now I can say that if you don't get what I mean then that is okay just forget it ( not trying to say that in a mean way). Love the poem so keep up the goods.