Published August 17, 2011
The sun peeks out
from behind the fluffy white
Shines on my face
and warms my soul
right down to my toes
The beams burst
from their cumulus prison.
Pockets of sunshine
dot the sidewalk
and cast shadows
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138,471 Literary Works • 672,138 Reviews
Hi! Okay so short and sweet but I think some of your images could be stronger here and it feels just a litle lik you're writin the poem for the sake of using the word 'cumulus' which it's alright if you are! But you should give it a story as well and spice up the rest of yoour language to fit with the use of that word. Because, right now it stands out a lot against the simplicity of the other words, particularly since you've used it in the title as well. Anyway! A few other comments:
The sun peeks out
from behind the fluffy white [Fluffy white what? Okay so it's clouds, duh, but you need to actually have the word their as this just tails off and then jumps to another line. You need a fullstop after too!]
Shines on my face
and warms my soul
right down to my toes [You're using soul in the place of body. Toes are part of the body, not the soul, so this doesn't really work.]
The beams burst
from their cumulus prison. [Maybe a semi colon here instead? I think that would work better and improve the flow.]
Pockets of sunshine
dot the sidewalk
and cast shadows [Full stop here! And I like that you end on casting shadows, always a powerful image but maybe you need to add some description in here. All your lines are very mush this happened, then that, now this. You ought to slow down and take the chance to describe and really let your readers imagine it.]
In general, a good start but not something that will leave a lasting impression. Add a bit more depth to it and then it might!
Heather xxx
I love this poem! Just reading it, it felt like a breath of fresh air and sunshine. I love the imagery used and 'cumulus prison', way to go!
I would rather you capitalize the first words of the lines in the poem though.
Except for this, it's just perfect.
I really liked it, short, simple and to the point! Even though it was short, it had great imagery. The second stanza was my favorite. The adjectives you chose were great.
Great work! Keep it up!!
Razzle
Short! But very pretty! Sometimes the best things come in small packages!
I think you should add clouds to fluffy whiteIt's a memory, no? Or just a thought?
I can picture it.
A Sunday morning.. One which I enjoy and it doesn't involve my mom calling to wake me up or my dad singing and I'm trying to force myself back into hibernation.
A nice one and I look out the window and the sun just illuminates my room.
It just reminds me of a nice day.
Very good.
A little on it, though.
Now. Punctuation.
To me, people shouldn't add punctuation to poetry unless they freakin' feel like it, but I think this would be a nice time to add punctuation.
I think it should go, The sun peeks out from behind the fluffy white.
Shines on my face, and warms my soul right down to my toes.
Pockets of sunshine
dot the sidewalk
and cast shadows.
Those are just some things if you had to edit something. But honestly, it's fine on it's own.
Keep writing,
Ang:)
Hey! This is really good. I like the observation you made in writing this poem. But...there is one thing that I would try to fix. Punctuation adds a lot to a piece and without it the reader can get lost in what you are trying to say. While you do have a little bit of punctuation already in your poem, adding a couple commas and periods could go a long way. All in all though you have a really nice poem here, nice job!
Keep writing,
Jessa