My soul rots away,
My heart turns to dust.
My body I do not own,
Yet continue I must.
For life is too short,
To let life waste away.
So I ran from it all,
Trying to prevent the decay.
Yet any sanity I had once,
was now shredded apart.
I am the target,
Where they hold the dart.
I have been watching myself wither,
Feeling the control slip from reach.
But it’s what I have to do,
to feed like a leach.
It’s not just addiction,
it’s survival as well.
I hear its call,
I’m entranced by its spell.
It’s a struggle for me too,
I’m struggling for a breath.
Although my breathing is unnecessary,
for I am death.
I scream louder,
but no one ever hears my cry.
I call out and listen intently,
And they don’t reply.
It’s too late,
there is no cure.
I am diseased,
no longer pure.
I’m sorry you had to die,
for my own needs.
Even the dead survive,
Even the dead feeds.
It’s bad to play with my food,
so now I say goodbye.
I won’t say this won’t hurt,
prepare to die.
Struggling won’t help
for I am too strong.
Relax, you are mine,
I know this is wrong.
It won’t be quick,
I will not lie.
Please be quiet,
do not cry.
It’s nothing personal,
it’s your blood I desire.
I am a nightmare,
Because I am a vampire.
….
Amazing Em! I love it. Thanks so much for letting me read you're cool poem. I have no doubt that you could be a great author or poet if you put your mind to it or dreamed to become one! Congratulations on finding this site and welcoming me to it, you are a great friend and an inspiration. Good luck with all your submissions and I just want to say again, I love this poem of yours!
Just to complete my 'checklist':
- Sometimes you change tense (talking in present tense then switch to past tense or similar)
- I like it because when you get to the end you want to read it again like a book after you discover some important secret
- I like the sense of doom and foreboding that you incorporate with your word choice and sentence structure
I can understand how I got the punctuation wrong, thank you for helping me with that guys. But i'm wondering, do I keep the full stops? Or do i delete them? I know some of my sentence structure is a bit weird, but of the sentences I write that may seem incorrect I don't see how they are. It's just the way I write, but keep up the awesome feedback! Thank you!
Hey!
I think this poem is brilliant and I must admit, having read the previous version, the edited one makes a lot more sense. But for some reason, I can't help but think I like the punctuation the way it is. The fact that there aren't any full stops until you reach the end gives it a long-journey feel, which kind of reflects the immortal life of a vampire I guess. Although that's me personally.
Thankyou for the feed back, i don't write many peoms, i shall fix these mistakes although some i don't understand why they're wrong, for example: 'Yet continue i must'. It's not related to twilight, i was writing some depressing stuff and it just turned into a vampire killing someone. Anyway, glad you liked it!
By the way, when you said that you'll make sure i become one amazing poet, does that mean you'll keep reviewing?
Oh and with the : It won't be quick, I will not lie i mean he's admitting it will be a slow and painful death.
Hi Emily!
Welcome to YWS! xD 
1ST REVIEWER! Yaaaayyyy!!! xD Okay, back to topic.
I see, you are new to YWS.
And your first post was pretty fast out here. Good job. This is a really good poem for beginners. Though there are some mistakes. Did you write this poem relating to Twilight? I felt so.
I'm not much of a fan of Twilight, but I like this poem. Some of your sentences are in past tense. This whole poem you've written is half based on present tense. I'll correct everything and make sure that you become one amazing poet! <3'
Red Markings- Corrections
Blue Markings- Explanation
#4000BF ">Work out your full-stops and comma's. They're also very important in a poem.
Overall: They were lots of mistakes but for a beginner, I loved it! <3' So maybe a 9/10. Okay?
Keep Writing, My Friend! ^.^
Love,
Cookie (Y)