Prologue:
“Hello subject seven, welcome to existence. Now, I want you to listen very carefully. I have an assignment for you, though, it’s more of a test. You are currently seated in an office chair, located in the Bank Of America, Charlotte, North Carolina. Now, seven, as you can imagine, this is a very big banking company. What I want you to do, is kill everyone in this building, and take any cash you can find. Do you understand? In the draw before you, there is a gun. Use it carefully, seven, it only has a number of bullets. When you have finished your assignment, you will walk out the door with the money, and you will wait for a car to pick you up. Now, seven, let your assignment begin.”
Well, this is what happens when I get very, very bored in class. Let it begin!!!
Points:
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IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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140,178 Literary Works • 673,037 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Welllllll, as far as prologues, this is one of the very few that manage to be really exciting and deliver that punch while still being only one paragraph short. In fact in this case I would genuinely say that if this was any longer than one paragraph it might make this one less powerful.
You do a really good of capturing the audience very quickly, and then quite mysteriously issuing what looks to be a properly terrifying order and it cuts off like someone just asked another person to go buy them a coffee. The casual and unfeeling nature of this order not to mention the terms used here like "welcome to existence" and calling the whole thing as an "assignment" makes you think this is some kind of crazy AI almost but then money is mentioned and you have to think that can't be right for an AI of some sort, so this has to be a person....but, well, if this is how a person receives orders, there has to be a loot of craziness going on in this world.
All in a short and powerful prologue here, one that absolutely makes me want to read on and find out what could possible come next her.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey Em. This is interesting. Sounds like a kind of game.
take any cash you can find... Maybe something like, take all the cash you can find.
In the draw before you... Are you talking about a drawer instead of a draw?
It only has a number of bullets... Maybe you should list the number of bullets it has even though the maximum for a round should be around 6.
I want to know more about Seven and this assignment. Until next time then.
Tsukarin
Hey Em. This is interesting. Sounds like a kind of game.
take any cash you can find... Maybe something like, take all the cash you can find.
In the draw before you... Are you talking about a drawer instead of a draw?
It only has a number of bullets... Maybe you should list the number of bullets it has even though the maximum for a round should be around 6.
I want to know more about Seven and this assignment. Until next time then.
Tsukarin
Sorry. I pressed it twice... how do you remove this?
Hey emilybrodo this is Alliyah here to review. So far, your prologue drew me in and left me wanting to immediately flip the page and read more of the story, so great job setting up some action right at the beggining without revealing too much about the characters or scenario because afterall it is a prologue. I didn't see any real spelling mistakes but I have a couple suggestions for edits.
I think if you capitalized "Subject Seven" and "Seven" it'd make more sense because "Subject Seven seems to be the character's name.
I would also suggest taking out some of the words "Now.." because it's very repetitive.
Lastly, I don't know what any of your characters look like, sound like, etc, I just have a little dialogue, is someone (him/her?) speaking this or is it written instructions? What is Subject Seven's reaction to it all at this point? I understand if you don't want to include this yet, so that you can do all the character introductions in the first Chapter but it still leaves me wanting to know at least a little more description as far as character goes.
Well so far I think you have a great start, I hope I get to read more of the story! Have a great day.
~Alli-wa~
Ha-ha, I get bored in class all the time!
Well, I'm Storm, and I'm going to be your reviewer for the day!
"Hello subject seven, welcome to existence. Now, I want you to listen very carefully. I have an assignment for you, though, it’s more of a test."
I would re-word this slightly so it reads "...an assignment for you. Though, now that I think of it, it's really more of a test."
I imagine the voice speaking as sort of mocking, cynical and cruel with a heavy streak of sarcasm in a few places.
"You are currently seated in an office chair, located in the Bank Of America, Charlotte, North Carolina."
Again, I'd re-word it a little. "...office chair in the Charlotte, North Carolina branch of the Bank of America."
"Now, seven, as you can imagine, this is a very big banking company. What I want you to do, is kill everyone in this building, and take any cash you can find. Do you understand? In the draw before you, there is a gun. Use it carefully, seven, it only has a number of bullets. When you have finished your assignment, you will walk out the door with the money, and you will wait for a car to pick you up. Now, seven, let your assignment begin."
You use seven as a... I just realized I don't know exactly what they're called. Anyways, you put "seven" in the middle of sentences a lot, and if this is to be realistic dialogue, it is used much too often.
Also, if seven if your characters name, you should probably capitalize.
I hope you go somewhere with this. It sounds really interesting and if you do continue it you should PM me for a review!!
Thanks for posting, it was a good read!
--Storm