Diabolos had had enough of the demon's pathetic threats and thrust his arm towards her. Like a massive hand had bulldozed into her stomach, she flew across the room and smashed into the wall where she stayed, pinned to the wall, the way a spider has it’s pray stuck to it's web. No matter how hard she tried to move she remained held in place, roaring in fury. Diabolos twisted his wrist and the girl began screaming, piercing their ears like rusty daggers.
Selina slammed her hands over her ears, proving a little difficult with her hands tied, trying to stop the sound from boiling her brains. Something was happening inside the girl’s body, her skin shifted and lumps of meat tore underneath her flesh. A stream of blood had begun to roll out of her eyes and nose, trickling over her lips, dripping like a silent waterfall to the floor where the drops burst apart like roses.
The girl suddenly jerked and dropped, her head making a sickly knock as it slammed into the stones. Her body, deadly still as she lay, was slumped against the wall. Her eyes were closed, and red teardrops squeezed through her eyelids and rolled down her cheeks.
Selina lowered her shaky hands away from her ears, she’d never heard such painful screams, seen such awful torture. She stared at the back of Diabolos’ head in horror, and shuddered as he slowly turned his head towards her grinning with his black teeth. His face said it all, that he was more than power, that he was the boss, that disobeying was horribly stupid for her, but a game for him.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Ok, I'll start to put up the whole book, I'm just a bit worried about the first chapter being boring. But thank you for all the advice!!
Hello!
You’re missing an apostrophe.
I think this is passive voice. Either way, it doesn’t flow well. If you read it out loud, you should be able to see that starting with a simile and then having the action doesn’t work. Having the action first is a lot more immediate—give us what happened, so we start to picture it, and then give us the simile so we can build on our already existing mental image. Does that make sense?
The bolded words are spelt wrong. “It’s” with an apostrophe is short for “it is”. You need “its” without an apostrophe. “Pray” with an A is the kind of pray you make in church. You need “prey” with an E.
As you started right in the middle (this is a scene from a chapter, right?) it’s confusing about who “they” are. Why did you post just this little extract? Why not the whole chapter? It would be easier and clearer if there was some context.
Brackets are urcky. They really break the flow of what is an incredibly serious moment. You’ve probably already mentioned that she’s tied up in the context that we don’t have.
This is a run-on sentence, and I’m not sure the bolded part makes perfect sense. Taking it out would make the flow better, I think. We know she’s pinned to the wall because Diabolos is using his power against her. Don’t overegg the pudding. ^_^
You’ve got some nice imagery here, but the word order feels seriously choppy. “Nose and eyes over her lips”? It sounds so awkward! Your images are conflicting as well: the image of a waterfall is something powerful; a torrent of great and destructive power. Flowers, on the other hand, are delicate and sweet. I think you should nix the waterfall, as it’s a little OTT, and stick with the flowers, because likening something as horrific as blood flow to something as proverbially innocent as flowers gives a nice sense of juxtaposition.
A way to strengthen your imagery would be to directly liken this to that. You say that the blood drops “created red flower-like patterns.” That’s all very well, but it’s not very direct. You’re saying that the blood made patterns that looked like flowers, but it would a lot more powerful to say something like, “the drops fell to the floor where they burst open like scarlet flowers.” Does that make sense? You’re not saying they were like this, you’re saying they were this. Directness makes the picture a lot more powerful. And scarlet sounds prettier than red. ^_^
The bolded phrases are too similar. Repetition is awkward.
Run-on sentence.
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So! Demons!
This is such a short scene, it’s a bit difficult to comment on overall issues, which is why I went through line-by-line. Your prose does need some work. You need to be more direct—just say things, instead of worrying around them. Prime example: “Her body, deadly still as she lay, was against the wall”. Imagine if you were telling this story aloud to someone. How likely is it that you would say this in such a roundabout fashion? It’s far simpler to say “Her body lay against the wall, deadly still”.
It’s the same with prose. Your prose should run smooth and simple, as though you’re talking to your readers directly.
Also, is Diabolos the most original name for a demon?
I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, so do PM or Wall me if you have any questions or if I wasn’t clear on anything. Keep writing!
-twit
Yeah the girl is possessed. Poor girl ha ha
I LOVE THIS SCENE FROM YOUR BOOK! It is so gory at times and mysteriously frightening at others. One query though, is the girl a demon? Because when you said,
I got a little confused because when you say "demon" I immediately think of some evil guy, but that's just me. I'm sure you talk about ... her... before this scene so it would make sense when reading the whole book. Great work Em! Really cool! I'm glad you post your work on this site because I now have an almost ever-present opportunity to keep up to date with what you're doing. Keep writing for as long as it brings you joy!