Squeak. Squeak. Squeak.
The trampoline squeaked as Payton jumped, up to the sky. She strived to jump higher and higher, causing the trampoline to squeak more.
Squeak. Squeak. Creak.
Payton stopped. That wasn’t right. She jumped once, twice.
Squeak. Squeak.
She continued jumping, thinking nothing of this odd noise.
Squeak. Creak.
Payton stopped once again. She turned around in a panic. Payton yelled, looking around her. The trees were the same as always, and the birds perching on them were silent. Nobody responded, and she continued to jump cautiously.
Squeak. Squeak. Squeak. Squeak.
CREAK.
Payton jumped off the trampoline frantically and screamed. The birds were gone, and the trees seemed to slunk in fear of something unknown.
Creak. Cachoooooooooooonk.
The ground shook, as if an earthquake were about to happen. Something began to rise from the ground beneath her trampoline. She ran to the safety of her home and began watching from the window. It sunk it's claws into the dirt and squiggled towards the window she was looking out of. She stood still. What was this thing?
Creak.
Nobody saw Payton after that.
Her little sister likes to jump on the trampoline.
Squeak. Squeak. Creak.
Comments? Suggestions?
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
I like how vague the monster was; maybe just make it a bit more foreboding? Let us feel the suspense, the worry she feels. Maybe she senses it staring at her, turns around, and screams, but we never see it?
So yea, I'm just trying to clarify my response. I wouldn't DESCRIBE the monster, but I would show more of the other stuff.
~JFW1415
Don't know if someone already said it up there, but the only problem I had was how vague the story was. I know you're supposed to "Show, not tell" but sometimes being too vague in trying to show something important can often be confusing..
Hi there, and welcome to the YWS!
There shouldn't be a comma after "jumped." ^_~Nitpicks first...
I think you should describe the birds leaving, because it's always very dramatic when a bunch of birds fly away--it's kind of strange to just say they're there, then they aren't... if you know what I mean.
I don't like the repetition of "ground"... in fact, why don't you just get rid of the first sentence? It's not necessary.
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Overall Implressions
I think you should add more description. What is the temperature? Is it sunny or threatening rain? What does the girl look like? How big is the trampoline? Are the trees around her pines, giving of their minty scent? Or are they maples or oaks, grand and majestic?
I also think you should make it more clear that it's not the trampoline that's creaking... because I thought it was just the trampoline, so I was thinking that her reaction was a bit over the top. Oh, also, you might wand to put the "squeeks" and "creaks" in italic?
I like the mysteriousness of the monster and I love your foreshadowing ending.
Good job! If you need anything, feel free to PM me.
Hope this helps!
~Azila~
The creature is meant to be seen in the way that the reader sees the creature. For one reader, it might be a Giant Elmo (I don't know why it would be, but hey), and for another, it could be a gruesome, slimy thing with fur patches.
It all depends on how you see it.
Very spooky! I suggest that you expand so that you can get more descriptive with this "creature beneath the trampoline" Also, I think the ending was equally spooky. How she was never seen again and her sister still jumps on the trapoline. Very interesting!
I think with the little sister she was trying to show how it would also happen to her. Foreshadowing, you know? ;P
Yay! She took my advice and swtiched it to crea at the end.
~JFW1415
Overall Impression
This was a very creepy story. After reading it I hate that, "Um...what just happened?" effect. I think it was nice. I don't really have anything to nit-pick at other than the fact that onomatopoeias should be italicized. And the "cachooonk!" I didn't understand that. You most likely do, but for me a (a reader over the Internet) it doesn't faze me as a sound that I can possibly relate/imagine. Also, the monster I think you should describe it more. Fixate on it's claws and it's appearance and demeanor. Show us her emotion towards the monster.
So, yes, good story!
PM me if you have any questions or want me to critique anything else.
Oh, yeah, welcome to YWS also!
Hmm... Ah, yes... This was interesting... I liked how it was written. But I still agree with JFW1415, you need to show us instead of telling us so much. This was sort of a little rushed in my opinion. First she was on a trampoline and next she was in a house with barely any detail inbetween.
There wasn't any grammer errors that I could see. I sort of did like how it ended with "Squeak. Squeak. Creak."
But whenever you put, "Her little sister likes to jump on the trampoline." it sort of confused me. What was that for? What is like, now her sister is on the trampoline? But what about that moster thing? What happened to that?
Hope this helped! If you have any questions just PM me!
Very interesting. However, I suggest that you expand this a bit. You TELL us nearly everything; a big no-no.
Show us instead. Don't have her suddenly freak out; give us a feeling of dread first. Show us the world around her.
Also, I think you should end it as 'Squeak. Squeak. Creek.' Kind of as foreshadowing; I think that would be a nice ending.
Good luck! PM me if you have any questions! And sorry this is so short.
~JFW1415