'Blink'
When you wake up
And realize,
Everything about you is different.
The shades in your skin,
Maybe the person beyond your appearance.
We all walk around blind,
Unable to see what we are really missing.
Obsessing over unimaginable feelings
That no one really understands.
We have collected them along with
Memories of an unforgettable past.
Gripping onto people
Whose names you probably will not remember
When you're thirty.
Everyday is a new experience,
Even life itself finds a new definition.
Something to confuse us while we're growing.
No one really sees the lessons,
That we are continually learning.
Continually shaping into
Someone different,
Better,
Stronger,
Smarter.
Even though we really don't understand how we
Grow and figure out
What was so complicated in the past.
But in the blink of and eye,
You wake up.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello, Emily! And welcome to the YWS. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions on the site.
Interesting poem, though there are a few things I'd like to point out:
1: Perhaps you should consider dividing this up into stanzas? It's a little daunting right now.
2: At this point, it's a little too much like a list. One-word lines usually give that impression, I think. Thus brings us to the eternal conquest for Showing and NOT Telling. As poets, you can ignore this as you like it, but it would still be nice to have this a little more...hmm...diluted? You could have multiple stanzas for each little snippet: "When you wake up/And realize,/Everything about you is different.", " We all walk around blind,/Unable to see what we are really missing./Obsessing over unimaginable feelings/That no one really understands." &c, which would divert the "list-y"ness of it.
Speaking of diluted, I would really recommend getting rid of the extra spaces. They're a pain to deal with when critiquing.
3: I like how you bring the "waking up" part back up, but it seems a quite raw there. (By the way, it's "the blink of an eye", not "the blink of and eye.") IMHO, I would change the "but" in the second-to-last line to "Still," so it becomes, "Still, in the blink of an eye:/ You wake up."
And last, but not least: The general rule is that you critique two other pieces before posting your own. Please keep this in mind before posting something else of yours.
To cap off this review, I'd like to suggest that you print out this poem and stick it in a desk or nightstand drawer. Someplace you'll find it again, but not soon. Time is the best forge, and whatnot.
Cheers, and keep writing!
~Sumi
Wow. This is quite an interesting poem! I didn't notice too many mistakes so that's good.
I liked the theme of tis poem and the rhythm and flow were quite effective!
To tell you the truth, I keep reading this poem again and again, and each time I get a new meaning out of this. I'm not sure if you did this on purpose though.
Of nd I see that you are a New Member. Welcome to YWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's a lot of fun here and I'm guessing you've already joined in the fun.
Well if you are confused, have any questions or need any help whatsoever, feel free to PM me.
Hope to see more of your work posted up!
Keep posting.
-see you around