Published March 15, 2009
How many times does a girl cry for her toy?
how many times does a boy beg for sweets?
how many times does a teenager nag for money?
there's more to life than this
How many times do you get angry to quickly?
how many times do you cry for no reason?
how many times do you think life is unfair?
there's more to life than this
How many times do you see death?
how many times do you see the poor?
how many times do you see starvation?
this is the real world, your life is heaven compared to this
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141,397 Literary Works • 674,387 Reviews
Hi Emillipide! I'm June, your instructor for the moment
)
I enjoy the idea of raising a strong point for your audience to pay attention to. It's an eye-opener, and asking verse telling the audience is a decent way to present it all, dear.
However! The repetition of "How many times..." and "there's more to life than this" can easily become boring. You can fix that. Here's how:
Instead of raising questions and leaving them only for the audience to answer, you can totally give us an answer! You don't have to write it like, "The answer is this, blah blah, but you can totally camouflage it in your poem.
And, at the end! You can definitely put something substantial there-- don't just lecture us with a line at the end! Give us something that makes us realize how much we have and such. This is your poem, dear. Be creative with your works!
(Also! Using emoticons when you post your work takes a bit away from the piece. We need to feel the emotion for ourselves, dear. We don't need to say "aww!" just because it's a sad face
Overall, it was a great read! Keep it up, and keep writing!
June
I enjoyed reading this. I like the message you are trying to send, or at least the message I interpreted from the poem. I think that it could flow better, you could elaborate more about each line that you have already. That is only my suggestion.
keep it up.