Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and mature content.
Teenage lobotomies,
Cute little fluffy bottoms.
I dreamt this up on my blanket of monotony,
And apparently this is what life has given me.
Why couldn't I have chosen the meme at least?
You know- the signal that I need to have a big fat feast,
On the weak. Because we all know I could do better than that.
***
But there's that clown in the streets,
Smiling at everyone she meets.
And for some reason, every single greet
She makes, what with her sweet
Smile, is a sweet fucking deal
And god, it makes me want to reel.
***
Seriously, every single stupid greeting
Of positivity she seems to be radiating
With so elegantly, somehow sweating
And trembling, but never revealing
Her dark depression, which she has built a cave from,
Allowing her emotions to torment her for eons to come
But- why the hell are her words so eloquent,
Even though I realise that subsequently,
I would end up doing much better than that.
***
Aww, she's swishing around with her fancy-looking hat,
Always rambling on about her chant or rant
About her depression, which she dresses up with a petticoat
And matching gloves specifically designed to torture others.
Which I find rather alluring; perhaps I should ask her out,
Though I suppose that is secretly illegal, by moral conduct
***
But one day, she greets me with a special smile,
One that makes me want to swim a mile
And tells me that all is ridicule,
And ridicule is fun,
So cut the crap with plagiarised puns,
And go and have some fucking fun.
***
Although my dream was to become a brilliant performer,
Who am I fooling?
I'll ask the protesters for advice,
For they're not afraid of ridiculing the public once or twice-
Come on babe, I need your help,
Because I know I can do better than this.
***
Come on babe, I need your help,
For I'm lost on the shore of uncertainty,
And wading through the waters of tranquility-
Oh shut up! I'm not content with mere rebellion,
Which is precisely why I yearn for oblivion.
***
Except that, what I truly want, is to be humorous,
Intellectually humble; I need more phosphorous
For that. But I can do it,
And to hell with med school-
Personally, I don't think it looks cool.
I mean, helping people is nice,
But I guess protecting them from mental mice
Is nicer, and what happens if I couldn't give a fuck about anatomy?
I guess we're going back to those wretched lobotomies
***
Aww, she's swishing around with her fancy looking hat,
Always rambling on about some chant or rant
About her depression, which she dresses up with a petticoat
And matching gloves, specifically designed to sadden others,
Which I find rather alluring; perhaps I should blow her brains out,
Though I suppose that defies moral conduct.
***
Until one day, she greets me with a special smile,
One that makes me want to bawl a mile,
And tells me that all is ridicule,
And ridicule is fun,
So cut the crap with plagiarised puns,
And go and have some fucking fun.
***
Aww, she's swishing around with her fancy looking hat,
Always rambling on about her chant or rant
About her depression, which she dresses up with a petticoat
And matching gloves, designed to inflict desire upon others.
Which I find rather alluring; perhaps I should go all out,
Though I suppose that is against social conduct...
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Hey there! Plume here, with a review!
I enjoyed reading your lyrics! While they didn't necessarily have an established tune, I think you did a great job at conveying their lyricism by having the repeated refrains throughout. As the other review mentioned, it is distinctly rap-like in its quality, which I liked a lot.
I like how simultaneously nonsensical and meaningful this was; I think the wordplay did a lot to add to the meaning. To me, the way I interpret this, it's a bit of a dark take on fun and humor, more specifically perhaps using it as a coping mechanism against bitterness and sadness. There was also a sense of mockery of the current state of the world throughout, too, with mentions of relevant topics like "social conduct," "protestors," and "depression," and perhaps using the clown as a generic figure of the many foolish people that exist in the world today. I think the title also conveys this message; the use of the word ridicule, especially, connotes that sort of mean-spirited fun this poem seems to be about.
I do think having a recording of how it's meant to be sung/read would have been helpful; there were points where I lost the flow a bit because simply reading them in the way I expected didn't exactly merge with the beat, but if you planned on doing something creative with the syllables and emphasis to make the phrases work, I would have loved to hear it. Otherwise, I do recommend reading it aloud just to nail down the flow of it; particularly with song lyrics, an extra syllable can throw off the whole thing.
Specifics
I really loved this pair of lines, specifically the one with depression and petticoats. The juxtaposition of those two ideas really appealed to me and was something so original and enjoyable.
Overall: nice work! This work was exceptionally original and you've really got a knack for unique phrasing. I hope to read more of your poetry soon; until next time!
MEOW! Hello, friend! My name is Ellie and today I will be reviewing using my very own Black Cat Review Method! It is very similar to the incredible YWS S'more Method but I have Halloween-ified it and made it spooky! My little black cat friend, Vladimir, wants to offer his opinion on your amazing literary piece:
Mystical Witch Hat - What I See, Observe, and Interpret
I love how you started this poem. It really jumped right at me!
i really enjoyed this poem. It felt almost like a rap, or a set of words that flowed smoothly off the tongue. I felt like i was listening to a stream of consciousness from your brain, at 3am, if that makes any sense XD.
I enjoyed your alliteration and how many s words you used in this part:
This poem, as I said, made me feel like I really saw inside your mind, or someone's mind. It felt like a swirl of words. A calm storm. Organized chaos. Whatever it is, it was lovely!
Vladimir’s Advice - Suggestions for Improvement
I think you could consider some rephrasing for these parts:
maybe something like,
"You know, the signal that I need to have a big fat feast."
Jack O’Lanterns - My Favourite Parts and Praises
I think some of these phrases you used are quite genius. This one flowed extremely well:
Rhyming oblivion with rebellion was incredibly well done! Wow, awesome work
And heres another one. Sorry for the super long quote but it all flows so well into the next lines.
I loved how this section ties back to your opening lines that also mentioned the lobotomy. Nice, mental mice, nicer, WOW! You are a poetry master. I wish I could make my poems flow that well. I enjoy rhyme but this is a whole other level! I enjoyed this so much.
Black Cat Cuddles - Concluding Ideas and Thoughts
Thanks for sharing your writing on YWS! It is always a pleasure to read what you post. Take care! Have a great night
Your friend,
Ellie
I hope you have a spook-tastical day, filled with black cat mischief!
I'm sorry for the late reply! Very late, actually. You're so cute though
I'm really glad you enjoyed it.