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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello!
First I'd like to say I'm totally on board with the Neville/Luna thing. I think you characterized Luna very well, and her speech and actions mirror what was depicted in the books. You have Neville's shyness down pat, but his actions seem a bit lacking. In the books he was the most loyal and caring personu could ever meet, and I think his character is missing a bit of that in your writing.
Thanks for writing HP fic!
Good job and good luck.
Thank you for the advice! I will probably rewrite this soon and work on showing their personalities more.
Ah, Neville and Luna not ending up together was one of the biggest disappointments for me.
But, let's dance, darlin'.
I find it very very unlikely that Neville would ever steal anything from anyone, especially Harry. And anyway, Harry and Ron never returned to Hogwarts after the war, so he wouldn't be there. I'm assuming that you're following the plot of the books, and we're not in some AU, so I'm going to treat it as such.
This was very anticlamatic. I expected to get a cute story about Neville and Hannah, but it turned out to be more about Neville and Luna. There was nothing about Neville/Hannah, and honestly, there wasn't much about Luna/Neville either. It was so short we didn't even have time to get inside the well-loved characters again. There was no strange comments from Luna, and besides that little scene, it was completely telly and absolutely no show. Don't ever tell. Telling takes away the story, it just makes it very robotic by saying 'first I did this, and then she did this'. Show everything that happens. Show how the letters get shorter and with longer periods of waiting in between. Show how they grow apart.
I also don't understand why they're at Hogwarts for two years. For one thing, Luna never went back after the war, and for another thing, Neville would only have to re-do his seventh year.
There's a lot of inconsistencies, and just overall, you need to work on your telling.
Thank you for the advice! I will try to rewrite this later. I need to work on showing, not telling as you said.
Formatting messed up in first and last paragraphs. Sorry.