Ok, so here is a few entries into Bella's diary. If you like, I'll post more. Oh, and if you're wondering why it's in the romance section, it will make sense eventually.
June 14
I've been around for nearly a decade and a half, I find it hard to believe that at thirteen, people still think I'm just a little girl. My sisters Sophie and Caroline are fifteen years old, and they're allowed to wear makeup, and they both have boyfriends! Not that I really want to paint my face and go to dances with goofy boys. It would just be nice to be allowed to if I wanted.
The ninth was the last day of school. Mama gave us each a present. Carrie got a new lipstick, and Sophie got a new blush, so they could share. I got this dumb old diary. It took me a while to open it up and start writing. I'm not too good. My penmanship looks like I used my toes as my pen, and the gravel driveway outside my house as the paper. And I don't really have anything to talk about.
June 18
I guess this writing thing isn't so bad. 'Cause when Daddy hired some delinquent boys from the city to come help him at work at the garage, my first thought was I gotta write 'bout this. I tried to push that thought out of my head. I don't want Mama thinking she can get away with getting my sister's makeup, and me some ugly red book that I'm supposed to put all my chicken scratch in.
Well, I've told you that four city boys have came out here to work with Daddy and keep themselves out of trouble, but I feel like I'm not done writing. I guess I have to continue. Well, they're names are Doug, Peter, Morgan, and Henry. they're all fifteen or sixteen, I think Daddy said Doug was seventeen.He's real excited 'bout all this help he's getting. I haven't met these boys, but Sophie and Caroline have. They went there to See what they looked like of course. When I got back, I asked them what happened. They looked real angry.
"Bella, you oughta stay away from those boys," Sophia growls at me, taking off her shoes.
"Yeah, they are just three jerks. Doug, Peter and Morgan, they don't look like nothin' mean, but they are," Carrie says, looking at me with angry green eyes. That's the only difference in appearance between Sophie and Caroline. Sophie has blue eyes and Carrie has green. "They started whistling and clapping when we walked in-- obviously Daddy was out of the garage, and we thought it was funny at first."
"Yeah, but then when we went to introduce ourselves, they started making goofy faces," She starts fussing with her hair in the mirror. "And then they said--" Sophie pauses, "Well, something just real inappropriate. But I don't think they'd say it to you." She gives me a once over, looking at my wrinkled overalls and dusty blond curls.
"They're just a real mean trio," Carrie says folding her arms across her chest and turning out of the room, Sophia following her. The thing is, Doug, Morgan, and Peter may be a mean trio, but there are four boys. I don't tell the twins this though, maybe I want to meet this delinquent on my own.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I don't really have a critique for you, but I just wanted to say that I really liked this. Very good developed characters. Interesting plot. I can't wait to see where it goes.
It's good! I agree, it could have been longer. The first post of a story should show us at least a bit about the character, although more can be revealed as we go on in the story.
A nice job on your writing, and not info-dumping.
I'm trying to decide whether this is clever or confusing. It doesn't really make any sense at first read...let me see what I can make of it. You're saying it looks like you dipped your toes in ink and wrote on a gravel driveway. Hmm...I don't really like it. I like the toe part, but the paper like gravel part is not saying anything about her penmanship, it's saying something about her paper.
"My penmanship looks like what would happen if I got drunk and then used my toes as a pen."
Perhaps it would be better if you struck out the whole 'gravel driveway' thing. Of course, it could be that I'm totally messed up and your sentence was perfect. If so, please forgive and ignore.
Au revoir!
~Madame Kool
P.S. Please keep posting! We need a bit more to go off before we can actually critique your characters and plot.
Yeah, I originally had a whole other idea for it, something that would be more obvious in the romance section. But then, I posted it, and it was a bit of a confusing place for it. But eventually it will get there.
I'm wondering why this is in the romance section. I'm assuming it has something to do with your main character's sisters developing a teenage type of relationship with these boys.
For a diary, it was ok. I was more interested in the main character though. Why didn't she follow her sister's teenage ways? Why did she decide to rebel against the sterotype of teenagers? I really want to know, yet you didn't show us that and for that I was disappointed.
I think it could had been longer too to allow the reader a more insightful view of the main character and the external conflicts that she faces. This can be a very engaging read if you expand on these details.
I'll read the next bits. I'm curious as to where this will go.
Hope that helped
Andy