She was never interested in books, toys, or video tapes. She would sit in her room all day, being swallowed by her fluffy pink bedspread. She was silent. No one ever heard a peep coming from under her bedroom door.
Sarah, let's play. whispered the bear with one eye.
The little girl shook her head violently. She did not like playing with the bear.
No, of course you don't want to play with him! whispered the doll with the big yellow bow. You can play with me Sarah. The doll crawled onto the bed, sitting next to the pale little girl.
She pushed her away. The doll scared Sarah just as much as the bear did.
Colorful blocks fell out of their box, sliding and rolling across the hardwood floor. They climbed up onto her bed, slipping underneath her, stacking up, lifting the poor girl until she had to duck so she didn't hit the celing. The blocks did not speak though, that's impossible.
"Please, just stop!" The girl's cry was no louder than the whispers of her toys. Her mother heard though. She had been watching the whole thing.
The doll looked towards the door, which was cracked open, a face peeking through it.
The doll melted, her bow floating on top of a puddle of plastic and lace. The bear shrunk, until it was nothing but a speck of golden brown on the hardwood floor. The blocks fell apart, turning into nothing but a pile of colorful splinters. And the girl, Sarah, fell onto her bed, swallowed by a sea of pale pink, until she disappeared completely.
Screams of the mother filled the house, scaring the cats, the birds, but not the father. He was nowhere to be found.
The mother sat in a wheelchair, while Sarah braided her limp blond hair. She stared blankly out the window of the hospital, her husband rubbing her shoulders which her hospital gown hung loosely.
The father wore an eye patch, while Sarah, wore a big yellow bow.
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,786 Reviews
Hey, I quite liked this, especially the concept. I understood where it went and how you got there which was Ace. Now, Quoted text:
LOL, Loved this line, like, lovelovelove loved it.
With this second part, it somehow annoys me, I think because it is gramatically incorrect. Adding an 'around' before the 'which' would clear this right up.
That said, once again, I lovelovelove loved this =D
*hearts* Le Penguin.
Haha, my sister thought that wasn't neccescary to put that it was impossible for them to talk... I guess she needs to hear a good Helen Keller joke and maybe she'll get it... lol
I like how the blocks can move and stuff but... they can't speak ^_^ lol
anyways, this was a really cool/creepy story. Good work!
Wow. I really enjoyed that! It could definately be longer, though. but not by much, because that'll bog down the suspense. And also, I thought the mom appeared kind of suddenly. could you introduce her earlier into the piece?
And one more thing. This passage:
Screams of the mother filled the house, scaring the cats, the birds, but not the father. He was nowhere to be found.
It confuses me a bit. could you instead say the mother screamed for the father? and then talk about how it scared everything in the house but the father did not respond.
amazing piece. you are a truly talented writer! I can't wait to read more by you!
Creepy. Love the ending, very surprising and even more creepy. You made good use of a short amount of Space and had a very good impact. Well done.
I agree with Snoink. You are very talented, and this was an okay piece. It could definitely use some fleshing out, and definitely more description.
I would definitely like to see some additional significance with the father/bear and Sarah/doll. I can kind of see a link, but with such a short story, I'm not too sure of what I think I see. By expanding it, it will definitely come together.
All of the grammatical stuff I found has been mentioned before, so I'll end with a "great job, keep it up".
You, my dear, are one of the rare and few very talented writers who exist.
With that said, I shall comment.
First of all, this was a spooky piece and it drew me in at once with the first sentence. Good stuff. The idea was also pretty good and, while I can't say it was the most original thing ever (nothing is) it seemed freshly done, so hurray! So it sounded like something in the Twilight Zone.
With that said, I think you don't really trust yourself as a writer. From the sound of it, you seem to be very advanced beyond your years, but you are rushing through. For example, there can be more description of the room, maybe not at the start, but more in the middle, yet it seems like you're rushing ahead to the hospital, with little to no transition.
For your transition, try emphasizing the fact that the mother is watching this. When she sees what's going on, what does she do? How does she react? And when she screams, there must be some sort of transition.
Also, is there any particular reason in the story that the dad isn't there?
Anyway, lovely idea. I hope you tweak it and make it prettier.
I loved this.
At first I didnt understand the connection between Sarah and her father and the toys, so you might want to make that a bit clearer. I would also suggest lengthening this if possible to make it a bit more of a story - at this stage one is left dangling, and while that's not necessarily a bad thing, I think it happens to quickly for the reader to become fully engaged in the story.
Overall, though, I great wee piece. I'll look forward to reading some more of your work
Cheers,
~bubbles
I like it. It was creepy and bizarre and surreal. Although you didn't go into detail about the bear with one eye, it was really vivid imagery and I can totally picture it. This whole story reminds me strongly of the manga Pet Shop of Horrors. Have you ever read it? (If not, I think you might like it.)
I think you could've used a little more of a transition between Sara's room and the hospital(?), though; a stronger connection between the bear and the husband, the doll and Sara. I felt like there should've been at least a little bit more explanation, but not too much.
Other than that (and aforementioned grammar mistakes), I think this was really good. I'll be curious to read more of your stuff.
Cool. This, like Poisoness said, is really well written. I just caution you one on using not using too many phrases in some of your sentences.
This is a fine sentence:very visual and grammatically correct. But it is dangerously close to the threshold of "too much". One more extra phrase, and it's be too much. The sentence would become muddy and confusing. So, be careful in future writing.
to nit-pick, I think it should be "The screams...".
Add a comma after "which". And clarify the end. Did you mean "gown hung to loosely."?
Finally, I got to the end, and the mom in the wheel-chair and the husband kinda confused he. I had to read it over again, and even now I'm not quite sure what was going on. So far, I got: mom is sick. She had a nightmare type thing about her daughter, which might have been set off by the eye patch and bow? Maybe I just don't get it, or maybe you should add something to help your readers.
Well, hope that helped. You have a nice style. Happy typing to ya!
Ooh. Interesting.
It was a bit clunky, but I absolutely LOVE the concept.
Let me point out a few patches that can use smoothing:
Change "under" to "beyond," under implies that she's under the door... which she's not.
Please tell me that's a comma after "play."
The rhyme in this bothers the bejeebus outta me. Find a different way to word this, please thanks.
Typo alert! Ceiling*
Oh for the love of smileys, get rid of this. It's really unnecessary to say.
Get rid of the comma, it's unnecessary.
I do really enjoy this. You have excellent potential.
-St. Razorblade
The Unofficial YWS Pirate
i liked that story it was very well written and it makes you want to read more!