Young Writers Society

Nice! The character really did develop there, and we understood the story as it rolled along. Here is my most major criticism/critique of your story:

The reader cannot just start reading from the middle of the action. When the reader starts reading a story, they need to have expactations from the beginning. When I started the chapter, the only thing I knew was that the character has a brother who's fighitng with another boy named Kipp. In the end of the chapter, I knew that she was a tomboy. That's all I understood.
Maybe you should include a prologue, or even a few words about the story you are about to write. Best yet, as it fits with your chapter, include a setting. Don't just start with an action--I know everybody says it draws the reader in, but it really only makes him think "cliche cliche". Say, "The sun was rolling down the sky. The sticky asphalt under my bare feet scorched like what I expected the metal roof tiles of our house to be, and I darted down the streets in order to yell at my older brother--he was fighting..." and so on and on. Of course, this isn't an excellent proposal of a setting, but you could make yours up. And we need a little foreshadowing here and there to actually be intrigued by Margaret. Otherwise, what will keep us up at night, pondering her life?

Also, make sure your character doesn't just tell. You created a first-person account in order to show her feeling, not just say "I ran to the boys, I played with them, I became mad mom grounded me." That's just like saying "She ran, she played, she became mad." Maybe, you should say "I craved to play with the boys. I leaped to them with incredible want. Sitting alone, grounded, is the worst thing for a girl who just wants to be outside." etc. etc.

Nice going, but maybe just a bit of revision here and there.

Well, I definitely thought you did a good job with character development. By the end the main character was fully developed. I felt like I got a sense of who she was, and who all of the other characters were, too. Of course, this comes from a combination of a good use of dialogue and narration... the dialogue was cute... what you'd expect from someone around their age (relatively young?). The rock war was kind of funny in a sort of awkward-funny way (it might hurt a bit, but it's silly).

I did find small things while reading it that you might want to take a look at...

"with the most gossipy lady in town, Mrs. Melbrook's son Kipp."

You might want to rearrange this part... It starts out sounding as if he got into a fight with Mrs. Melbrook. Take out 'with the most gossipy lady in town' and then add that detail later.

"I'm not encouraging my older brother's violence, but I know Kipp very well-- he had it coming to him. He'll march around with the other neighborhood boys, and usually me, acting like the sweetest boy around the adults. But when it's just kids, he isn't such a good guy."

This paragraph is awkwardly written. In the first sentence, take out 'to him' at the end. Take out 'usually me' in the second sentence, and insert an 'and'. Take out the last sentence and mention how he's not such a good guy while he's marching around with the neighborhood boys. The second sentence creates confusion because it implies that he's marching around with the neighborhood boys around adults, and he's not.. they're two separate events, right? They should be contrasting events based on what we know about Kipp's personality.

"Mom yells, loud enough for everyone on our street to hear."

Are you deliberately choosing to keep your story in present tense? Most stories are written in past tense... it's your choice, but just.. different, I guess.

"reaking of bubblegum."

'reeking' is the correct spelling.

"Ow! My hand is on fire! I wince, shoving my hand into my pocket, as I stand up and brush the dirt off of my butt."

This is sort of confusing... it'd be helpful to address the source of the feeling of fire on her hand directly.

"Your lucky you're a girl"

Replace your with you're.

"get's home so we can"

No contraction necessary. You can take out the apostrophe.

I think in the beginning maybe explain why Kipp isn't as nice as the adults think he is. Don't just tell us, maybe show us an incident that proves it?

Pinder gives Jackson a look, and the both bust out laughing, standing up.

The should be they.

I look down at the huge scabs on my knees. I've already tried out the bike jump. "You know what? I'll just watch you two try it. My bike has a flat,"

"Ok," the both say.

The comma should be a period and again the should be they.

I say as he reaches out to pully my waist length brown hair

No y at the end of pully...

This is definitely a very, very nice start. It's very engaging and pretty realistic and entertaining. Although there was a few typos and whatnot like I pointed out, so mebbe watch for them as you're continuing this, but nothing major. Sometimes when you switched scenes it was kind of confusing, especially the last one, although that might just be me. Otherwise I can't think of much else to say about this...good job! Maybe a little more detail would be nice though...