Published August 4, 2007
I know, it's really short, but I was in a rush.
The house was pitch black.
"Don't worry Julie," Pearl whispered. "P-probably just a power outage..."
"No duh." Julie mumbled, scrambling around, trying to find a flashlight or lighter. "And by the way, I wasn't worried." Pearl is my very best friend, but she is such a baby. Julie thought, as she switched on a flashlight. The dim light was just enough for Julie to see that Pearl wasn't standing next to her anymore.
"Pearl, stop playing around, I'm gonna call my mom. I'll have her pick us up," Juie yelled, shoving her hand into her pocket, reaching for her phone. Empty. Just because she's too poor to buy her own, doesn't mean she has to steal mine.
Julie sat on the dated sofa in Pearl's living room, crossing her legs. "Come on Pearl, stop messing around. Bring me my cellphone!" This furniture is so gross. she thought, brushing cat hair off the mustard yellow love seat.
Rrrrriiiiiiippp! The cushion on the old rocking chair ripped.
"Just the cat," Julie whispered, clearly startled. "Pearl! Goose just ripped a cushion!" There was no reply. She probably thinks she's being funny, but it's not.
"Julie!" Pearl screamed, as the lights flickered back on. "I fixed it!" Her hair was tangled and her face smudged.
"How'd you do that?" Julie asked suspiciously. And why are you being such a freak? she thought.
"I heard that," Pearl said quietly. The lightbulbs blew, and the house was pitch black again.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,381 Literary Works • 674,385 Reviews
The second sentence is all telling; why not show us the cushion ripped? Scare us.
Oh, the ending was creepy. Very suggestive, without going right out and saying what the cause of the black out was/is. I liked that! I think you could have upped the scary, and the dialog seemed a little unrealistic, although it's probably more because the characters are undeveloped. I really think you should expand on this, let us know more about the characters, and scare us more. This could turn into something really great, because the idea is so, well, Twilight Zone-y. Which I love, by the way
Great job!
Lol. Twilight Zone is exactly what I was going for.
*twilight zone music*
wow. yeah, I couldn't find much, either. I would reccommend going back and expanding, since you wrote it so quickly. some parts seemed a little rushed. And yeah, I would like to know exactly what makes Pearl crazy. Flashbacks would be a great idea.
Ooooohhh...creepy.
Um, I liked this. I didn't catch a whole lot of errors, and since you wrote it in a hurry, it explains the brevity.
I think this was a GREAT beginning, it really hooked the reader, because of the excitement and stuff.
The only problem is, you're saying how different Pearl is from usual, and we don't even know what Pearl was usually like. What you need to do is develop the characters in the second chapter, maybe do some flashbacks, so we can see what they were like before Pearl went crazy.
Anyway, I liked it! You should continue, definitely.
Yours most truly and absolutely and always, Me