A Sprinkle Of Magic- Part One

I kicked off my flats and threw myself onto my bed. I was suddenly aware of the pain in my toes from wearing the shoes, but that didn’t bother me one bit, because great aunt Lindy hated heels; so flats it was. I turned myself over and continued to sob. The tears I had tried to hold back in the car came and I had no way of stopping them. I looked at my dress. Black, but flowing and gorgeous not at all like a dress you would expect to see at a funeral, more like on for a fun party, yet everyone wore them. Great aunt Lindy loved dresses like that. She despised anything too plain, and that’s one of the things that made her so great.

Aunt Lindy was the closest thing I ever had to a grandmother. I did have one, but when I was three, she and my mom got in such a horrible fight, that they never speak anymore. I get a pain just thinking about that. I love my mom so much; no fight could ever make me that mad. My mom says she’ll never remember what that fight was about and that she’s sure her mom doesn’t either. I’ve asked her why she doesn’t just make up with her mom since neither of them even know why they were fighting in the first place but all she ever says is that it wasn’t the fight, it was the way they treated each other. She’ll never forgive her mom or herself for that. I don’t say much more on the subject because the look my mom gets in her eyes makes me want to cry and I know she wants to too.

I was lost in thought and tears when I heard a knock on my door. My mom poked here head in. I hated for anyone to see me when I cry. My face gets all blotchy and spotted red. She sat down by me and gave me a hug. I could feel tears coming down her cheeks as well. I just stared. I couldn’t look at her or anyone. My sadness began to hurt even more. The tightness in my chest increased and I’m sure my mom could tell She didn’t say anything, she just put a little box down on my bed side table and left. On her way out the door she turned out my light. I couldn’t help it I cried more and slipped into sleep.

I woke up a couple hours later. The lights hurt my eyes, which were already sore from crying so much. For a moment, I forgot what had happened. My mind wandered to my homework and other things. As I sat up, I realized I still had my dress on and it still smelled like Uncle Alfred who had given me the longest hug at the funeral. Then, like a flood, memories returned to me. The funeral, aunt Lindy, gone forever. I decided now was a good time to take a shower. It felt nice and calming as the warm water ran over my body and I tried to think about things other than Great aunt Lindy and the funeral and even though I tried hard it was the only thing that seemed to be in my head. I walked back into my room and I felt refreshed and sobered at least for the moment. I sat on my bed and all of a sudden I was lonely and I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, or see anyone. People made me think of Aunt Lindy. But being alone with nothing to do was eating at me. Then I noticed the box mom had placed on my night stand the night before. It was black and fancy like the ones from the jewelry section at Macy's. I really hoped it wasn’t some consolation present. I hated it when people gave me presents when something tragic happens. It only made me feel bad whenever I saw the gift; it was like a horrible reminder. I opened it and I saw a folded message inside. I set the box down, carefully, and opened the note. I knew immediately it was from aunt Lindy because she had the most unique hand writing I’ve ever seen. The letter read:

[i]My Dear Carol,

We both knew the day would come when I would pass along a little of myself to you. You are the sweetest and kindest person I have ever known and so to you, I give one of my most valued possession. I came upon this necklace when I was hiking in the Netherlands. An old lady sitting on the side of the trail gave it to me and told me that if I poured a little of the dust inside onto something, it would grant me a wish Of course I never believed her, but I found the necklace to be one of the most beautiful I ever saw. Who knows? Maybe you will find the magic in it. I know you will treasure it as I once did.

With all My Heart,

Aunt Lindy[/i]

I picked the necklace up out of the box and began to admire it. It was just as lovely as she had described; maybe more. There was a tiny vile with the dust inside, but it didn’t look like dust. It was sparkly blue, like the ocean on a sunny day. There was a metal frame that held the vile. It had twisted little bars on two sides and on the front there was a tiny yet very exact sculpture of a mermaid sitting on a dolphin. I was amazed at the detail on the girl’s face and the way the dolphin seemed to be in motion even though it was made of solid metal. I didn’t think much of the tale about the wishes the old lady told because I figured if Lindy didn’t believe it then it wasn’t true.

I didn’t have to go to school today. Mom said I could stay out the whole week if I wanted, but I was getting so lonely I figured now was as good a time as ever to go back. I was in my world civics class when I took a look at the necklace again as it hung around my neck. It glistened in the sunlight and the dolphin again seemed to be in motion. I wished I could jump on to its back with the mermaid and ride it all around the world, or at least far enough away from my troubles. I pulled open the cork and peered inside the tube. The dust sparkled and danced in the tube. The bell rang loud and clear and it made me jump out of my seat and a little of the dust spilled on to my text book. I frowned, aunt Carols present to me, her last gift, her treasure and I’d smeared some of it onto my civics book. I had to be more careful. The necklace was nothing without its sparkling dust.

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pandapez
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Hi! Welcome to YWS :3 If you need anything, feel free to ask okay? Anyway, here's what I've got:

I couldn’t look at her or anyone.


This is just me, but it sort of seems like the 'anyone' part is unnecessary. Her mom's the only other person in the room right?

I woke up a couple hours later. The lights hurt my eyes, which were already sore from crying so much. For a moment, I forgot what had happened. My mind wandered to my homework and other things. As I sat up, I realized I still had my dress on and it still smelled like Uncle Alfred who had given me the longest hug at the funeral. Then, like a flood, memories returned to me. The funeral, aunt Lindy, gone forever. I decided now was a good time to take a shower. It felt nice and calming as the warm water ran over my body and I tried to think about things other than Great aunt Lindy and the funeral and even though I tried hard it was the only thing that seemed to be in my head. I walked back into my room and I felt refreshed and sobered at least for the moment. I sat on my bed and all of a sudden I was lonely and I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, or see anyone. People made me think of Aunt Lindy. But being alone with nothing to do was eating at me. Then I noticed the box mom had placed on my night stand the night before. It was black and fancy like the ones from the jewelry section at Macy's. I really hoped it wasn’t some consolation present. I hated it when people gave me presents when something tragic happens. It only made me feel bad whenever I saw the gift; it was like a horrible reminder. I opened it and I saw a folded message inside. I set the box down, carefully, and opened the note. I knew immediately it was from aunt Lindy because she had the most unique hand writing I’ve ever seen. The letter read:


Really big paragraph. Split it up some, separate your thoughts. Also, the "i decided now was a good time to take a shower" part seemed a it random to me. You switch from your Uncle and the shower kind of abruptly. Maybe a little slower transition between things like that?

Mom said I could stay out the whole week if I wanted, but I was getting so lonely I figured now was as good a time as ever to go back. I was in my world civics class when I took a look at the necklace again as it hung around my neck. It glistened in the sunlight and the dolphin again seemed to be in motion. I wished I could jump on to its back with the mermaid and ride it all around the world, or at least far enough away from my troubles. I pulled open the cork and peered inside the tube. The dust sparkled and danced in the tube. The bell rang loud and clear and it made me jump out of my seat and a little of the dust spilled on to my text book. I frowned, aunt Carols present to me, her last gift, her treasure and I’d smeared some of it onto my civics book. I had to be more careful. The necklace was nothing without its sparkling dust.


Like earlier, you switched between thoughts really rapidly here. Slow it down a bit. The sudden civics class part caught me off guard and it took me a sec to catch up. Draw your moments out a bit more. What happened between you and your mother that morning? Did she comfort you any?

Overall:

I really liked this. It was raw and emotional, something that's hard to pull off for most people. You did a really good job, but there are a few things you need to work on. Your paragraphs seem to get too long sometimes, stretching out as you switch from one thought to another. This can be a pretty bad thing because long paragraphs can intimidate readers, resulting in them skimming over it instead of actually reading it and missing out on a lot of stuff. A way to fix this is to pay extra attention to your characters thought process. If it seems like your broaching a new subject, start a new paragraph.
Another thing is your abrupt subject changes. Like I mentioned before, you switch between thoughts pretty fast and without really any transitions. Try to slow it down a little.

Other than that stuff, I think you did a terrific job :D Keep it up!

Hey new member! I'm Peanut, here to review this for you!

My Dear Carol,

We both knew the day would come when I would pass along a little of myself to you. You are the sweetest and kindest person I have ever known and so to you, I give one of my most valued possession. I came upon this necklace when I was hiking in the Netherlands. An old lady sitting on the side of the trail gave it to me and told me that if I poured a little of the dust inside onto something, it would grant me a wish Of course I never believed her, but I found the necklace to be one of the most beautiful I ever saw. Who knows? Maybe you will find the magic in it. I know you will treasure it as I once did.

With all My Heart,

Aunt Lindy


I don't think this italicized in your story like you wanted it to... that's just a small mistake. :D

I kicked off my flats and threw myself onto my bed. I was suddenly aware of the pain in my toes from wearing the shoes, but that didn’t bother me one bit, because great aunt Lindy hated heels; so flats it was. I turned myself over and continued to sob.


It seems like you started off in a happier type of mood, then switched right to misery... that might just be me, but that's what it seems like :)

Black, but flowing and gorgeous not at all like a dress you would expect to see at a funeral, more like on for a fun party, yet everyone wore them.


This is a comma- splice sentence... watch that, those are tricky!

I kicked off my flats and threw myself onto my bed. I was suddenly aware of the pain in my toes from wearing the shoes, but that didn’t bother me one bit, because great aunt Lindy hated heels; so flats it was. I turned myself over and continued to sob. The tears I had tried to hold back in the car came and I had no way of stopping them. I looked at my dress. Black, but flowing and gorgeous not at all like a dress you would expect to see at a funeral, more like on for a fun party, yet everyone wore them. Great aunt Lindy loved dresses like that. She despised anything too plain, and that’s one of the things that made her so great.
Aunt Lindy was the closest thing I ever had to a grandmother. I did have one, but when I was three, she and my mom got in such a horrible fight, that they never speak anymore. I get a pain just thinking about that. I love my mom so much; no fight could ever make me that mad. My mom says she’ll never remember what that fight was about and that she’s sure her mom doesn’t either. I’ve asked her why she doesn’t just make up with her mom since neither of them even know why they were fighting in the first place but all she ever says is that it wasn’t the fight, it was the way they treated each other. She’ll never forgive her mom or herself for that. I don’t say much more on the subject because the look my mom gets in her eyes makes me want to cry and I know she wants to too.


I would try breaking up this gigantic- all- in- one paragraph, into smaller paragraph... just so your ideas are more organized in the piece. It looks like you need to do that a little more in all of your paragraphs.

I couldn’t look at her or anyone.


Put a comma after 'her' and add an 'else' at the end of this sentence :)

Then, like a flood, memories returned to me.


For this sentence, I'd just say;
"Then, a flood of memories returned to me."

I little more fluent.

I couldn’t help it I cried more and slipped into sleep.


Run- on! I'd put a semi- colon after 'it', or I would just erase the whole' I couldn't help it', part of this, and just keep 'I cried more and slipped into a gentle sleep'.

The tightness in my chest increased and I’m sure my mom could tell


Remember a period at the end! ;)

I walked back into my room and I felt refreshed and sobered at least for the moment.


Try putting a comma after 'sobered'.

I frowned, aunt Carols present to me, her last gift, her treasure and I’d smeared some of it onto my civics book.


Try this sentence more like this;

I frowned. Aunt Carol's last gift to me, her treasured dust necklace (maybe not that... but something like it), and I had smeared some of it onto my civics book.

Is that a little better?

I liked this piece- it was very sad and emotional, full of truth. I loved it!
Great job... there are pretty much just little mistakes... no biggies! ;)



There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
— W. Somerset Maugham