A/N: la douleur exquise: the indescribable pain of being hurt by the one you love.
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quiet whispered words,
breath on my neck,
your lips on mine,
all the things i wish
i could regret.
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sleepy kisses,
nervous touch,
admiring glances,
i never knew I could
miss you this much.
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secret meetings,
quiet moans,
skin on skin,
your arms were a
place i called home.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
I really liked this.
Although I personally have not been hurt by a boy, my twin has and this poem described what she went through when they broke up.
I would say your 'I' could be in capitals, but this is merely an editing mistake. Micro edit and macro edit everything you write! It helps when people are reviewing and makes it easier for us to review.
Anyway, I thoroughly enjoyed this poem, I really like when you say, 'All the things I wish I could regret' That line is just phenomenal.
I really enjoyed reading this and will be keeping an eye out for more writing from you.
I really liked this.
Although I personally have not been hurt by a boy, my twin has and this poem described what she went through when they broke up.
I would say your 'I' could be in capitals, but this is merely an editing mistake. Micro edit and macro edit everything you write! It helps when people are reviewing and makes it easier for us to review.
Anyway, I thoroughly enjoyed this poem, I really like when you say, 'All the things I wish I could regret' That line is just phenomenal.
I really enjoyed reading this and will be keeping an eye out for more writing from you.
Hey Lylas!
Ooh, I really like this, especially in the context of your title. I love neat emotions like that. So, I guess I only have one thing to say about this.
Everything you have right now seems pretty solid to me, but if you didn't have that little author's note, it would be kind of hard to tell what's happening. The love part is clearly there, but the being hurt by the loved one? I don't see that so much.
So I can kind of tell that something happened here, but the narrator only wished to regret, so that kind of makes me think that he/she is not really placing blame, only wishing they could.
Here you can tell they're separated, but you can't really tell that it's the fault of the narrator's love, more like an outside force, it seems. There isn't really any pain or sadness like I would assume there to be, especially since the title implies that the narrator should be hurting a lot- mingled with missing this other person, sure, but I think that's only a part.
This also kind of gets there? At first, I took it that the narrator was no longer in his/her arms, but now I see that those arms cannot be called home anymore because of the betrayal.
So, you hint at the pain, and while I do like subtle hinting, you also state that there's going to be pain right in the title and note, so maybe make it a more important part of the poem?
That's really the only criticism I have, I really enjoyed this. <3 And I'd love to be updated!
-Falco
Thank you! definitely noted as I continue to edit this.
btw, this feels unfinished. I might add more, let me know if you want me to update you if I do add on <3
Hmm... it definitely needs more. Update me pls when youve edited