Timmy here
As you requested, I am heeere. I would have spotted this piece soon enough, though. The title is very clickable. xD I thought your idea with this was so much fun, and original - even if you're snatching the Peter Pan idea and using it for your own uses (which is awesome - almost like a fan-fiction in a sense). I think we all have a fantasy sometime in our lives of throwing off the yoke of modern society - or just the world as a whole - and trying to find Neverland. Peter Pan has everything anyone would need - friends who can be trusted, pirates who are fun to fight, and of course, mermaids nearby. With that in mind, I really think this was a brilliant idea to use as a song. And original.
Let's just go through and see if there is anything I can find out of place, eh?
I look up at then two bright stars and say
So when I go through this, I get the idea of what you're talking about. Yeah, everything is in order and I understand. But the wording is confuzzled and I even think you misspelled one of them. When I tried to hum it (to the song I am listening to now. xD), that one line stood out a bit on the awkwardness side of things. Perhaps take out then, which seems superfluous? That may help the flow. I am just guessing along here, since I don't know what your tune is (the one I am using now In Her Eyes - Josh Groban hee-hee)
So as far as the first stanza goes, I think you did an amazing job, and I found myself loving the "I smoke another cigarette". Just seemed to fit in with the character. But one thing is causing me to shake my head a bit. When I read through this, it seems confused. The entire idea is skipping over the page, switching channels from Neverland to this world. I think if you separated the lines which spoke of the world from that of Neverland, and then put it so that the mood prompted you to think of Neverland (a preceding thought, I guess), it may make it seem more organized and less scatter-brained.
Let me take just what you have here, and put what i think would be a more organized stanza.
We all get caught up in this mess,
I smoke another cigarette.
I need to get away from this war,
another depression in this world,
I look up at the two bright stars and say,
Lord take me away from this place.
If only could fly away,
All it takes is:
Faith, trust, and pixie dust.
Something similar to that? I know it messed with your formatting and how it is meant to be sang, and I am sorry. >.< But it seems as though it would be more of a transition - that's the word! - from the one idea to the next, like it's building up until it crashes over into this desire to go to Neverland.
I like the chorus a lot, and it does have a beautiful flow. It seems to take everything you're saying in the song and put it into one - which is what I have always thought they're supposed to be. But one thing keeps edging up while I read it. Your redundant thoughts. When doing songs (and any poetry-ish stuff), you have a limited amount of time and words to give your reader the idea. So if you're saying the same thing twice or even three times, you would want to change it to something else - something else which makes your idea more concrete and image clearer. The biggest spot for me, I suppose, was the repeating of "faith and trust and pixie dust". We saw that in the first stanza, and then it repeats itself in the chorus. Try for something else in one of them, I would think. Just so you're continuing to build that idea stronger.
Comparing the second stanza to the first, it seems rather weak. Knowing you and what you can do with writing, I think you can strengthen the words and message there. Make it seem as though the getting dressed is more a metaphor than you just stating the actual actions of dressing yourself in the morning. Tweak it, build it up - you can do it.
I'm about to slam the door
This read as cliché to me - thanks to our dear friend, Elsa. xD If you remember Let it Go from Frozen, she says about the same thing.
I think you did an amazing job on this, and I am still really impressed with the flow. I only spotted one part in this entire piece which seemed to lose it's flowiness. How come I can't do that. >.< As I said before, your idea was really neat to me, and I just think you did a, uh, swell (running out of synonyms! yikesss) job on this piece. The things I did find were small and can be easily fixed with a little bit of editing.
Till next time, my friend (add some frillies here).
~Darth Timmyjake
Beautiful song! *adores*
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