We all get caught up in this mess,
I smoke another cigarette.
I look up at then two bright stars and say,
Lord take me away from this place.
I need to get away from this war,
another depression in this world,
If only could fly away,
All it takes is:
Faith, trust, and pixie dust.
~
//Chorus//
If only I could fly away with Peter Pan,
We could go to Neverland.
Fly away and never grow up,
Faith and trust and Pixie dust,
We could go to Neverland.
Neverland..
~
Wake up I'm a mess,
Gotta, pull myself together and,
get myself dressed!
I, go through the motions,
every single day,
Just hoping, hoping he'll come and take me away!
~
//sing chorus//
~
Sick and tired of all these rules,
I'm too young to be this sad,
Sick of society, telling me,
how to be glad!
I can't do all this anymore,
I'm about to slam the door,
I'm done.
~
//chorus//
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Timmy here
As you requested, I am heeere. I would have spotted this piece soon enough, though. The title is very clickable. xD I thought your idea with this was so much fun, and original - even if you're snatching the Peter Pan idea and using it for your own uses (which is awesome - almost like a fan-fiction in a sense). I think we all have a fantasy sometime in our lives of throwing off the yoke of modern society - or just the world as a whole - and trying to find Neverland. Peter Pan has everything anyone would need - friends who can be trusted, pirates who are fun to fight, and of course, mermaids nearby. With that in mind, I really think this was a brilliant idea to use as a song. And original.
Let's just go through and see if there is anything I can find out of place, eh?
So when I go through this, I get the idea of what you're talking about. Yeah, everything is in order and I understand. But the wording is confuzzled and I even think you misspelled one of them. When I tried to hum it (to the song I am listening to now. xD), that one line stood out a bit on the awkwardness side of things. Perhaps take out then, which seems superfluous? That may help the flow. I am just guessing along here, since I don't know what your tune is (the one I am using now In Her Eyes - Josh Groban hee-hee)
So as far as the first stanza goes, I think you did an amazing job, and I found myself loving the "I smoke another cigarette". Just seemed to fit in with the character. But one thing is causing me to shake my head a bit. When I read through this, it seems confused. The entire idea is skipping over the page, switching channels from Neverland to this world. I think if you separated the lines which spoke of the world from that of Neverland, and then put it so that the mood prompted you to think of Neverland (a preceding thought, I guess), it may make it seem more organized and less scatter-brained.
Let me take just what you have here, and put what i think would be a more organized stanza.
Something similar to that? I know it messed with your formatting and how it is meant to be sang, and I am sorry. >.< But it seems as though it would be more of a transition - that's the word! - from the one idea to the next, like it's building up until it crashes over into this desire to go to Neverland.
I like the chorus a lot, and it does have a beautiful flow. It seems to take everything you're saying in the song and put it into one - which is what I have always thought they're supposed to be. But one thing keeps edging up while I read it. Your redundant thoughts. When doing songs (and any poetry-ish stuff), you have a limited amount of time and words to give your reader the idea. So if you're saying the same thing twice or even three times, you would want to change it to something else - something else which makes your idea more concrete and image clearer. The biggest spot for me, I suppose, was the repeating of "faith and trust and pixie dust". We saw that in the first stanza, and then it repeats itself in the chorus. Try for something else in one of them, I would think. Just so you're continuing to build that idea stronger.
Comparing the second stanza to the first, it seems rather weak. Knowing you and what you can do with writing, I think you can strengthen the words and message there. Make it seem as though the getting dressed is more a metaphor than you just stating the actual actions of dressing yourself in the morning. Tweak it, build it up - you can do it.
This read as cliché to me - thanks to our dear friend, Elsa. xD If you remember Let it Go from Frozen, she says about the same thing.
I think you did an amazing job on this, and I am still really impressed with the flow. I only spotted one part in this entire piece which seemed to lose it's flowiness. How come I can't do that. >.< As I said before, your idea was really neat to me, and I just think you did a, uh, swell (running out of synonyms! yikesss) job on this piece. The things I did find were small and can be easily fixed with a little bit of editing.
Till next time, my friend (add some frillies here).
~Darth Timmyjake
Misspelled! "Then" should be "the" xD
Thank you! I'll tag you when I record it <.>
<3 pleaaase do.
Wow, very good! I love this one, the title is very catchy indeed, good job up there!
you've given your dream a very beautiful form of lyrics. to be honest, it has also always been my dream to go to Never-land, never grow older, do fun....
the chorus is really nice, as it is lyrics, it's probably incomplete without music, so add music into it!!
"Wake up I'm a mess,
Gotta, pull myself together and,
get myself dressed!
I, go through the motions,
every single day,
Just hoping, hoping he'll come and take me away!"
wow, these lines are so so good!
"Just hoping, hoping he'll come and take me away!"
yes, my favorite line, but not just this one alone.
you have done great job with punctuation marks. they are working as ornaments of this poetry/lyrics.
Anyway, very good job.
Keep writing more
and
Best of Luck!
- AnaMin
I like the third verse:
"Sick and tired of all these rules,
I'm too young to be this sad,
Sick of society, telling me,
how to be glad!"
It really speaks to me. I really wish I knew the music, but the lyrics are great!
I will post a voice recording soon <3
I LOVE Peter Pan. The title caught my eye immediately.
Beautiful song! *adores*
<3 thank you
Hello!
Here are some things that I found...
Really nice! 
I sort of understand the title, but it seems a little confusing. It's probably just me though! 
Overall though, this is well written! 
Great job! Keep writing!! 
SnazzyPencil here for a review!
"I, go through the motions,
every single day"
I don't think the comma is needed after I, but I may be wrong.
I like the chorus!
~Snazzy
Thanks!
I really like what this is about. Wanting to go off to Never-land and be a lost boy was always a dream of mine as a child. I think you could expand a little more on what makes you want to go to Never-land, expand on how you talked of not wanting rules.
In the first stanza I think you're forgetting "I" before "could fly away..."
"Gotta, pull myself together and,
get myself dressed!
I, go through the motions,
every single day,
Just hoping, hoping he'll come and take me away!", that right there is my favorite part. I like how in that part you talk about how you have to get up and do things you don't want to do. You should take that deeper and talk about how it makes you exhausted, depressed, bored, or whatever emotions it gives you to have that routine.
I see that you categorized this under lyrics, and I see that it's a song, but that doesn't mean it needs to rhyme. Focus more on your words than on trying to make it rhyme. It will sound a lot better if you focus on the story.
This has a lot of potential, and you seem to have a good start, but I think you have the power to make it deeper, something really unique! Keep it up!
- Phoenix
Thankssss <3