Young Writers Society

I just wanted to say how happy I am that so many of you (20) would put up with my bad capitalization and bad punctuation. It makes me feel like I actually have friends somewhere in this world. I am so happy that you guys would call me a really good poet or beautiful writer. that means a lot because I'm only 11, that usually doesn't get to hear that. I have always been in love with poetry and song writing. the only reason if I had a song I wouldn't involve it in the Lyrics section, but the poetry. because to me lyrics are a nickname for poetry. but, I just wanted to tell you guys how thankful I am.

Hey Lylas!

Back again with a review you requested...

You've already gotten some wonderful critiques from some great poets, some of which conflicting, and I'm not going to even attempt to form an opinion on them... nope. Not happening. Instead, I will merely comment on the the second stanza...

It feels a bit...off.

I'm a rotten poet and got lucky with my last review, to actually have suggestions to offer you. The first and the last lines of it is what feels off, to me. Maybe if you could condense it...? I'm sorry, but that's all I can offer.

I hope it helped...

~Shady

This poem kinda confused me. I don't understand what it means. It first starts off by talking about looking into someone's eyes, knowing they'd never lie to you. then, it goes on to say you are singing a song to him while he holds your heart. After that, he plays a song for you. and then it gets confusing. You're crying because he won't play it again. then, you know you're young and he does too, but you're perfect for each other and you'll sing to him forever?
If that's not write, please tell me, but that's what I, as a reader, got from this.
Also, you should capitalize everything that needs to be capitalized.

I edited it and added "to you" onto the last line because that is the way i sing the poem. i have taken Gee's advice and this is now a song:)

This poem is really good! The last stanza is my favorite, the lines " I know I'm too young and you do too" warm the heart. Too often people only think of age when it comes to love, but all that matters is the soul inside the body. This poem inspires me, and I look forward to reading more of your stuff.

Hello!

So first off, I notice that you've chosen to keep everything lower case, and I don't know if it was a style choice or you're just to lazy to uppercase what needs to be capitalized. (I myself went through a phase where all my poems were lower cased, and I regret it fondly.) But my point here is, that if you chose to keep everything lower cased, you need to be consistent. There is one 'I' that is capitalized, and it sticks out like a sore thumb. Also, you need to be consistent with punctuation as well. If you chose to use punctuation, which you have, you need to have it every where, not just where it suits you. Such as when you say 'im'. Well, you've been using punctuation every where else, so even if you choose to leave the 'I' lower case, you need to add a ' to it. 'i'm'. You see?

Second of all, I've noticed that you change how you talk about him. You refer to him as him sometimes, but you also talk about 'you' too. You need consistence. Maybe you're talking about two people, and if you are, you need to make it obvious, because right now it's not.

Also, you're wording isn't very creative. It's nice, in a girl in love with a guy but it won't work out kind of way, but it could be spectacular. I know that's what you want it to be, am I right?

But enough about that, let's get down to the nitty-gritty stuff for awhile.

as i look into his crystal clear blue eyes,
he stares back into mine.
knowing these>>these what? The word 'these' doesn't really go here.<< i look at,
withholds>>delete the 's'<<no lies

as my voice comes from my lips,
the sound from my heart,

Too many cliches! They are the downfall of poetry. "Crystal clear blue eyes", the idea of staring into them, heart sounds. It's all to commonplace to be interesting enough. So many people have written about love and eyes and songs (including me, I used to do this all the time! But I learn my lesson).

I think your most salvageable stanza is #3 . I like the idea of a beat just for you and crying when it doesn't repeat. It's a decent notion, and you should base your second draft on it. Scrap the hollywood cliches and the hallmark greetings and make it unique. Get rid of stuff like "i know im young / you do too" because it says nothing and gives nothing. When you're writing, try not to regurgitate the same old phrases. Think of something new. Play with words.

There's the opposite advice in some ways too. It looks like you've tried to write in a "poetic" way e.g. "as my heart is what he grips", but it has come out almost unreadable. It's okay sometimes to just say in the most effecient way e.g. "i sing a song to you / you grip my heart." It's more active and punchy and has an impact. Active voice is your friend! Your bestest best friend.

Good luck with revisions.

Walker here.

I read this poem a couple times through, debating on whether or not I was going to review it simply due to the access of reviews you've already received, but I thought to heck with it.

I was mildly impressed. Not necessarily from the entirety of it, which, to some certain degree, there were pleasant aspects throughout it, but the general aspect of 'getting it'. The lack of capitalization and punctuation. The complete disregard of structure and form. You understand the idea of poetry not needing any of these things to be powerful, which I can respect wholeheartedly. That is not something easily learnt, and its hard to get past the want of keeping things neat and orderly.

As for content, I was not altogether intrigued by it. Loving and having and feeling are obvious choices for poetry, and ones done many a time by many a poet. Just, when we're looking at those topics, we want to feel them played out with a certain amount or originality. This, I didn't really get from it. Too 'I love you like a love song' for me, which, in turn, made me thing of something very pop-fiction.

Nonetheless, there were certain aspects I really liked. For instance;

I sit and watch you play a beat,
and hope it was played just for me,
and cry the second,
it never repeats

Okay, I saw this poem was about romance so I was instantly intrigued, haha.

Things I love:

In the first stanza, I like the fact you've added more to the description of the eyes by saying that they're crystal clear, blue.

The second stanza is cute where you say how he grips the narrator's heart and her voice comes from her heart.

The cute romance continues and in the last stanza it explains how even though she's young, she believes they're soul mates and that is lovely. The most beautiful line of the poem in my opinion is the last one

and i will not leave one lyric unsung.

i sing a song to you,

as my heart is what he grips

Hi! Lylas...

The title of your piece says something about a fresh start and that made me curious. So while reading you work it tells a love of a lady to the one that she likes. Something that they call as puppy love as it was mentioned that they are both young. But eventually it developed to be more than just that, in the lines: "but he is my soul mate
and i will not leave one lyric unsung"... The emotion that you want to express is felt in each stanza..

Keep going..

ll
U

Lylas,

I love the poem! It has a good romantic feeling in it. But I think you need to work on punctuation a bit more and rephrasing it.

About:

1. "I" should never, I repear, never be written in low-case. Because you are talking about yourself, and it should always be in capital just like how every name starts with a capital.

2. It is "I'm", not "im". Many new users have an influence of chat language but I think proper speaking should not be spoiled because of that.

3. "knowing these I look at,
withholds no lies"

These two lines were my favourite and I think its a good link up, so good work!

4."and I will not leave one lyric unsung." This line was the most romantic line of all in the poem. So, I think you put up a good work of describing your love for the guy.

Overall:

You're a good writer but you need to forget the habit of "chat-language" because it is one of the disadvantages of writing and can effect the writing. Other than, its a job well done! ^^

Keep Writing! ~

ChocoCookie

Hey Lyla. This is a really good poem. The rhyming works great as well has everything having a meaning. The only thing I thought was vague was the "I sit and watch you play a beat," otherwise everything else was clear.

What I'd say you need to work on is punctuation marking. The commas were fine, perhaps 1 too many in the 3rd stanza, the 3rd one should be a full stop or a semi-colon. The punctuation in a poem is critical as it dictates the flow of a poem, and also how it sounds, and this can affect the outcome of a poem. I would say you need a full stop at the end of each stanza, and perhaps the end of every second line. To define a finish or end to a stanza.

Capitals!! just simple grammatically incorrect words. The starts to lines or stanzas, get into the habit of having capitals at the start of every line after a full stop, or the start to a new stanza.

Otherwise a really good poem!! Well done!

-Skyy

Wow, Lyla. Hi.

I must say, you have one treasure of a talent, girl. And I think it's great that you have discovered it at such a young age. Your lines flow beautifully, your wording is catchy, and it is obvious that you've worked hard on this. I'm proud of you.

I have one little problem, though; this poem lacks capital letters and periods; all sentences should begin with a capital letter and end with a period. Also, remember that when "I" is used as a pronoun (when you're talking about yourself), it should also be capitalized. And you must not forget that "im" is not a word, because "I'm" consists of two words ("I" and "am").

Also, watch out for the commas! Don't make sentences that are unnecessarily long (periods have feelings too ;A; -Hahah. xD).

I really hope you keep writing, because you're a great writer. Personally, I think that these verses would make an amazing song.

Sincerely,
Solly<3

Hey, Lylas! Euph (Fellow Red Team Member!) here to review your enchanting poem. Let me start off by saying welcome aboard to the Young Writers Society family, and I hope you enjoy your stay here. Also.. Yay for the Red Team!
Okay, let me start off by saying that I loved the emotion set by this poem. The ideas of young love, freshly blooming, is a great topic for young poetry. Nicely done.
First Stanza: I feel as though if you switch in the second line 'stares' into 'stared', the flow might work a bit better. Also, perhaps reworking the flow of the third and fourth line into something more like "Knowing these I look into / Withhold all lies". I say this because the words 'Withhold no lies' are contradictory, because it almost suggests that his eyes are filled with lies, which I don't believe is the message you are trying to address here. If I am wrong, my apologies.
Second Stanza: I feel as though you could do without the word 'As' in both the first and last line. Also, perhaps if you again rework your line structure into something more like " My voice escapes from my lips / The sound released from my heart / I sing a song for you / My heart is what he grips." Simply a stylistic choice, totally up to you.
Third Stanza: You could do without the "and" in the second and third line. Speaking of the third line, I grow lost here. What exactly never repeats? Why is the narrator crying, and at what second are you referring to? These two lines puzzle me.
Fourth Stanza: You could again do without the "and" in the last line.
Overall, I loved the poem and the emotions addressed throughout it. With a few tweaks, this poem has truly great potential! Keep up the good work, kiddo. If you have any questions, feel free to either message me or post a comment upon my wall.
Sincerely yours,
Euph

Beautiful poem that moved my heart.

Nitpicks:

Capital Letters- totally up to you, but I think that some capitals would improve it alot. Whenever I see A sentence without a Capitol, I feel like screaming...just kidding. It does annoy me though.

Spacing- At the beginning of the Last three stanzas, there is a space that looks out of place


Not the Nitpicks:

Rhyme Scheme- a b c a. An Excellent choice that compliments the poem. I love how you used it. It helps the poem flow together.

Vivid Words- You had me captivated at "crystal...blue eyes".

Theme- The under-lying themes of a tragic loss, longing, and hope are very clear through out the poem. You did an excellent good in conveying the message through the poem.


I think that you did an overall outstanding job on this poem. It moved me when you said that you were too young, and I could feel the desperation.

Keep Writing- yubbies21

Lylas!

Fellow Team Kuzco Member!

Your poem has a lot of heart and I think that is -such- an important aspect of writing that a lot of people tend to lose as they continue practicing the craft, but here it is really fresh and open, and I can tell there are a lot of vulnerable moments and truths being said. I think the highlights for me are in stanza three:

...hope it was played just for me.

Wow. Wow. Wow.
Your imagery and passion shines through in every single line of this poem, I was very, very, impressed. I think that my favorite lines were definitely:
"I know I'm young,
you do too,
but he is my soul mate,
and i will not leave one lyric unsung" because of the great flow it has.

The only criticism I have is that you should be a bit more careful with punctuation and grammar (like capitalization - sorry, a bit of a pet peeve of mine).