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Mr Admissions

by elwarren


I dont think anyone knows

What to write here

There were 17 years

To decide

Yet my mind is blank for reasons,

Why you'd want me at your university,

Mr Admissions.

There is so much I could say,

You told me to write about defining moments in life,

But I can't,

"Most of what happened was illegal"

Would not please you,

Mr Admissions

So I'll tell you about my stable job,

And why I'm responsible,

Mr Admissions

I'll tell you that I like the location of your university,

Because it's central, and busy,

But not because it couldn't be further from this sea soaked town,

Mr Admissions

I'll tell you I'd be an asset to your university,

Because it's the opposite of what I am in this twisted town,

Mr Admissions

I'll tell you I play the drums,

But I won't tell you I haven't touched the sticks in 7 months,

Because not even percussion can drown out the voices,

That scream that I will not meet your criteria,

Mr Admissions


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User avatar
359 Reviews


Points: 455
Reviews: 359

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Sat Sep 19, 2015 8:14 pm
steampowered wrote a review...



Hello, steampowered here for a review! I’m aware this was posted, like, a month ago, but I found it while browsing through the literary works tab and I could identify with it so much I really wanted to leave a review on it. (I’m from the UK too and I’ve spent ages stressing out over my personal statement and whittling down my choices of which universities I want to go to. Time moves so fast… but I’ve now handed in my first draft)

I feel like the formatting of the poem could be improved by splitting up the stanzas. I didn’t realise this for ages but YWS actually changes the formatting so you don’t seem to be able to just have a blank line to split up verses. What I did was put a full stop in that line, so the poem would look more like this:

I dont think anyone knows
What to write here
There were 17 years
To decide
Yet my mind is blank for reasons,
Why you'd want me at your university,
Mr Admissions.
.
There is so much I could say, etc.


I just feel like it would read a bit better and look a bit tidier if you did this, but obviously you don’t have to take my advice. Maybe if you wanted to split the stanzas up, after every “Mr Admissions” would be a good place to do it?

"Most of what happened was illegal"


My favourite bit!

Other than that, I don’t have much to criticise, so I’m sorry this is such a short review. I really liked the repetition of “Mr Admissions” which kind of shows how detached and anonymous the selection process really is. You don’t know who they are and they don’t know who you are, and all they’re going by is a sheet of information you wrote about yourself. It’s scary…

Hopefully this review was of some use to you, and keep on writing! :D




elwarren says...


Hiya! Thanks for your review! I've actually just re read it and it's meant to read how you suggested! Thank-you for such a lovely review, and good luck with your uni applications!



steampowered says...


Aw, you too! :)



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483 Reviews


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Sun Aug 30, 2015 11:33 am
Que wrote a review...



Hello elwarren!

First off, the "don't" in the first line needs an apostrophe. I also think that all the "Mr Admission"s could use a period after Mr.

Overall, there seems to be no repeating lines other than "Mr. Admission", essentially no chorus. That's fine, because not all lyrics need that, but you don't really say Mr. Admission at the beginning, but you do repeat it throughout. You might want to start the whole thing off with "College Admission" or something like that, which would make your subject clear from the beginning. You could also leave it the way it is so that people wonder what you're trying to write.

After the third Mr. Admission, you end with town and university twice in the following two stanzas:

I'll tell you that I like the location of your university,

I'll tell you I'd be an asset to your university,

But not because it couldn't be further from this sea soaked town,

Because it's the opposite of what I am in this twisted town,

Wow! The MC clearly hates where he/she lives. Maybe you could switch up the word town a bit?

I also want to know more about the MC. What did he/she do that was illegal? Why hasn't he/she played the drums in 7 months?
It's very nice overall, and I think it sums up some peoples troubles with writing college applications.

Happy writing!

-Falco




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Mon Aug 24, 2015 8:07 pm
StellaThomas wrote a review...



Heya el! Stella here to review this poem for you.

Going into university - and applying - are really scary, daunting prospects aren't they? I really liked this poem for the sheer fact that it tackles that: it's not something you see written about often. Sure you see a lot of nostalgia about leaving school and moving on, but not much about that apprehension which everybody feels. This is a poem that instantly, anyone who's ever been through this process can relate to.

I was a bit bugged by the inconsistency of the comma placement - why is it only after some lines and not others? Also I thought that these two sections:

Mr Admissions

I'll tell you that I like the location of your university,

Because it's central, and busy,

But not because it couldn't be further from this sea soaked town,

Mr Admissions

I'll tell you I'd be an asset to your university,

Because it's the opposite of what I am in this twisted town,


are a bit repetitive with the "university" and "town" at the end of lines. That said I loved the 'sea soaked town' image it immediately conjured something to me. I think more images like that would be an asset to this poem! ;)

The 'Mr Admissions' too are a little inconsistent - for instance why is there none at the beginning? And the one at the end I think actually takes away from the impact of your penultimate line. Essentially I think you need to think a little bit more about structure for this poem to make sure that it delivers the message you want it to deliver in the way you want to deliver it. It's good, I just don't think it's quite there. It feels unpolished and things like shuffling the structure, cleaning up your punctuation and adding in some more of those glorious images would transform this into a much better poem!

That said I really enjoyed it, and if I read this as part of a college admission essay or personal statement, I'd definitely put you in for consideration ;)

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x





You are beautiful because you let yourself feel, and that is a brave thing indeed.
— Shinji Moon