The smell of the woods wafts through the air, of fresh soil, and sweet sap. Breathe in. Sigh. Hear his footsteps up ahead, the leaves crunching under his feet. The trees cluster together like a maze of rough bark and thick, soft leaves. Not that it matters, it’s so dark the trees are hidden in shadows. He looks back, sky blue eyes twinkling in child-like delight. He has the most breathtaking eyes. Wish for eyes like his. Wish for him. Shut up, shut up. He calls out.
"Hurry up! We're almost there," he bounds ahead. Grin, force a smile. It's cold, bitter cold, the kind of cold of late autumn nights. He's like a late night autumn night. Pretty and freezing. Shut up. Focus on following him. Past taller trees, bigger rocks, mossy soil. It's the same. Where is he going? It's too late for this. Wish for home, hot chocolate, and a book. A cat curled up on your lap as the fire crackles beside you.
Doubt. Doubt. Follow him blindly. His hair is like a sheep, soft, and blonde. Watch sheep bound through the trees, happy to be out of the pen. Black sheep. Skipping towards the slaughter. Why are you here?
Rub your hands together. It's so cold, so angrily cold you think you can't stand it. Just a little more. A little further. Why am I here? Doubt. Snap a twig, flinch back. He turns around.
"A little further," he assures. A little further, a little longer, a little faster, a little harder. Rub your hands together. Watch his breath fog up. It mingles with yours, entwined together in the frozen night air. Shut up.
"Here," he says, stopping at a cliffside. It overlooks the lake. Gasp. The stars hang high in the sky like lanterns. The lake gleams with freckles of light, reflections filling it's murky black waters.
"Beautiful, breath-taking," stutter. Doubt. He grins. His blue eyes glow like the stars in the sky. If he is the sky, your heart is like a great, black, murky, lake. His sparkling eyes reflect into your murky, muddy brown ones. Shut up. Shut up. Reflections of stars on the surface, twisting, grabbing seaweed underneath. Shut. Up.
He sits. Sit next to him, bare calves pressing against the cool stone. He talks about old times. Better times. Please don't mention the embarrassing thing. He mentions it. Laugh, face flushing red. It is so cold, so terribly cold.
"Do you like it?" He looks with his star eyes. Look away.
"Absolutely," Be more enthusiastic. Smile wider. Wish your heart was on fire, instead of this mind-numbing mud. He smiles, takes your hand. Blush, look away. Shut up. Calm down. It's so cold.
"You'll come back with me tomorrow, right?" he leans in closer, his star eyes reflecting off of the murky dark. It's so cold. Go inside. Be warm. Be happy.
"Of course," Smile. Come back tomorrow. Be cold, don't be alone. Stars touch the waters, his lips press against yours. Try not to think that stars are already dead when you see them shine, and lakes hold more secrets than their reflective surface.
Go Inside. Doubt. Or... Keep warm in the brilliance of an already dead star, and content with the surface of a filth-filled lake.
Choose the latter. Repeat cycle.
Great story! I really like how you captured the speaker's thoughts and feelings in detail. Another thing I like is the use of repetition in bringing up several ideas multiple times throughout out the story.
However, sometimes you use the same phrasing in your repetition, which can get boring. For example, I love how you put "Doubt." several times in the story, but in the third and fourth paragraph, you place "Doubt." Next to "Why am I here/Why are you here." Putting the change in perspective aside, the same use of structure when including these ideas next to each other could be put better. Expressing the same ideas next to each other but with different structure or wording would help.
Also, this problem appears again in your expression of the cold. You use "cold, bitter cold," "cold, so angrily cold," and "Cold, so terribly cold," which again tires the reading with the same structure and wording that doesn't convey anything new. I understand repetition can be used to emphasize important key ideas, but overuse can get, well, repetitive.
Thanks for sharing this very mysteriously fascinating story. I especially liked all the vivid somber imagery of nature and its ruined state. The helpless situation of the woman is conveyed very effectively. The seemingly maliciously calloused nature of the speaker as well. Especially impressive was the conclusion with it’s cryptic hint that leaves the reader wondering and striving to tie everything else in the story together to fit it.
I like the skillful shifts from second-person singular = Why are you here?
to
third- person singular = He looks back, sky blue eyes twinkling in child-like delight
About the three protagonists:
1. The speaker
2. The female
3. The male
The speaker isn’t identified. So the only way we can determine who he or she or it is is via inference based on what is said. So exactly what does the narrator say? The narrator provides the female with constant advice on how she should behave in relation to the male. How she should smile, ho she should feel about everything he does or even about how her surroundings look. So the narrator isn’t some neutral bystander.
The female is described as some kind of a helpless victim unable to contradict whatever the narrator suggests or demands. She just has to go along. Why? We aren’t told and so we must infer the reason from the narrative.
The man who is described as physically impressive seems unaware of the female’s attitude. In fact, he seems unaware that she is being coerced into being with him. So in that sense he is also a victim of the narrator’s constant meddling and demands.
I wondered whether the female is some kind of a malfunctioning android fighting her own programming.
Suggestions:
"Not that it matters, ...."
As a reader I wondered if it doesn't matter then why mention it?
The first sentence would run smoother if the alliteration is softened.
woodwaf-sweetsa
[The smell of the woods wafts through the air, of fresh soil, and sweet sap.]
Suggestion:
The sweet smell of wood, fresh soil and sap saturates the air.
"Observe the sheep,...."
Hi there! Rolling in from the General Review Request, although I see you only posted this yesterday, so there's plenty of time to get reviews anyhow.
So one thing that I think made this read a little weird for me was the omission of "you" in most cases. It made things sound like a command when I don't think that's how you meant them.
It overlooks the lake. Gasp. The stars hang high in the sky like lanterns.
"Beautiful, breath-taking," stutter. Doubt.
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