John's Journey

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well...this was a really interesting little story here. I looove the concept behind this...its such a simple idea but its also soo creative and yeah...I just really liked the way that you presented that reveal and the way it was built upto. Great job there...its got a few things off here and there but in general its a great story.
Anyway let's get right to it,

John hurriedly jumped across the alligator-infested swamp. He jumped from log to rock to log- except this was no log! As the "log" started to move, John suddenly fell into the muddy water. Gasping and sputtering, his lungs were burning for air by the time he surfaced. Luckily for him, though, he came up closer to the edge then he was before. John swam to dry land and checked his satchel to make sure the contents were safe. They were a little soggy, but otherwise unharmed.

The adventurer continued on his journey with lush green vegetation on either side of him. He was making good progress until he came to the rocky black desert. He had heard rumors of this, and to get across alive he heard he had to look both ways and make sure nothing was coming. John sprinted forward, but fell and scrapped the skin off of his knee. Finally though, he made it across.

He was a little dirty from falling into the mud puddle, and his knee scrapped from falling on the street, but he made it to the bus stop on time.

I don't ever review grammar unless it's REALLY bad, but I'm bad at grammar so I wont mention it

Overall the story was interesting, but not enough to pull me in. It seemed like it lacked details. You could talk more about what that log was that was moving and also mention what could be coming on that rocky black desert. It just feels like there are a lot of holes in this story.

Last thing I will tell you is that I actually like the idea. It sounds like a great childrens story. It feels like this could be written out a bit longer and turned into a kids book with pictures. I don't know if that was you main goal, but I just love the idea in general.

Good job and good luck in your future writing

Hello, there! This review is mostly nitpicks, just because it's a pretty solid story. I'm sorry if it sounds rude. I'm just nitpicking here, pay no attention to me!

1. In the first two sentences: "John hurriedly jumped across the alligator-infested swamp. He jumped from log to rock to log-" you used jumped multiple times, which makes it kind of a awkward beginning.

2. The first sentence: "John hurriedly jumped across the alligator-infested swamp." Two things: first, I would not be doing something "hurriedly" if I were jumping across an ALLIGATOR-INFESTED SWAMP! Secondly, you could be a little more subtle instead of saying "alligator-infested". I know it's an excerpt, and you need to explain it, but still...

3. "He jumped from log to rock to log- except this was no log! As the "log" started to move, John suddenly fell into the muddy water." Using 'log' twice in a row sounds awkward. Maybe try, "He jumped from log to rock to log- except this was no log. As the creature under him started to move, John suddenly fell into the muddy water."

4. "Gasping and sputtering, his lungs were burning for air by the time he surfaced." The phrase 'his lungs were burning for air' takes away from the momentum of the story.

5. "The adventurer continued on his journey with lush green vegetation on either side of him." Try starting with a proper noun: "John". Also, the phrase "with lush green vegetation on either side of him." sounds a little awkward. Maybe try: "The adventurer continued his journey through the lush green vegetation."

6. "He was making good progress until he came to the rocky black desert. He had heard rumors of this, and to get across alive he heard he had to look both ways and make sure nothing was coming." Again, try to use a proper noun here and there. You use 'he' about four times in these two sentences.

7. "John sprinted forward, but fell and scrapped the skin off of his knee. Finally though, he made it across." Maybe give us some more details? Also, it should be "Finally, though," not "Finally though,"

8. "He was a little dirty from falling into the mud puddle, and his knee scrapped from falling on the street, but he made it to the bus stop on time." Haha, nice twist! Maybe make this a little more subtle. Just an option.

This was very funny. I know it looks like I didn't like it, but it's very, very good.

Keep writing,

IronSpark

So exactly how old is John?

It's a nice story. I enjoyed it, but I thought that you could draw it out more, and make it into a much longer story, and getting us involved in John's adventure. The story seemed a little rushed, and I felt that it progressed very quickly. It did not end the way that I expected it to. It was definitely much more pleasant than what I had expected. For some reason, I expected this to be a story about John getting lost in the swamp, and having to fight against the nature around him.
Overall, I think that you could definitely turn it into a much more detailed and interesting story, but I enjoyed reading it.

Hello, ellact. Wolf here for a review.

This was so short and sweet, which really added to the ending. The ending was very adorable, and I have to admit I did not expect that to happen. It seems like such a simple journey, but the powers of imagination can turn a five yard walk into a trek across the world. Nice work on that.

As mentioned by the previous review, more descriptions would be great. Try to draw out the 'furiocious' journey a little more. I can't really tell how old John is, but it's a nice touch. At first I thought he was some older man (personally thinking of Indiana Jones), but in the end I thought he was no older than a first grader. It would be cool to see you take this a step further and have him making minature 'important decisions which his journey depend on'. Age does factor into this, because it can show the difference between fact and fiction.

Back to drawing out things. The journey through the 'jungle', or area with lush greenery, seemed a little bit rushed through. You could probably go into something about how he had to hack away at vines surrounding him to push his way through (which could relate to a little boy moving aside a bush to go through a path). Even the little 'black desert' could do some work. I don't even recall that the boy even looked both ways like he thought to himself to do. Little things like that would work.

Anyways, it's still pretty good, and it's a great way to get the mind going. Next step it to go above and beyond. Add in other elements to really skew the story from what the ending is to be. Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare

cute little story! I was totally surprised by the ending and as I read it again I smiled at the thought of a little boy pretending on his way to school. Reminds me of when I played in my backyard as a child. (I love that you called him 'the adventurer').
anyway, cool idea for a short warm-up writing. a few suggestions: make the second paragraph slightly more descriptive and lengthy. one could easily skip over a few words and have no idea what just happened.

a little conventions thing: I think you mean "scraped" rather than "scrapped"

I might change the word "scraped" in the last sentence to something like "scratched" just because you used it before.

that's pretty much it. you seem like a great writer. this brought a smile to my day

~ironnovelist