Sometimes I wonder if you really know,
How it feels to feel so low.
You say that you love me, and that you care,
But are you sure for yourself, would you dare?
You pat my shoulder and roll your eyes,
When I bring up the topic of our goodbyes.
The things you say are rich as gold,
but it's covered in lies, where it grows cold.
Sometimes I wonder if you really care,
About me or our friendship which is thin as air.
I wonder where we'll be years from now,
Can I call when I cry, will you shout?
Mercy mercy, I wish you could see,
what it is like, like to be me.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Generally, I'd say that rhyming poems seem happier and more upbeat than free-verse which can tend to get quite serious and sombre. For this type of a poem, I'd recommend loosely rhyming it (so that the rhythm is not too up-and-down-skippity-hop) and lines are approximately of different lengths so the rhyme is not apparent. Actually, at first glance, from the melancholy of the topic, I'd suggest removing the rhyme entirely - it seems too much of a playful, happy technique for this type of poem. If you really want to keep it, make it free vers, but with an internal rhyme - one that we kind of notice, but that eludes us, ever so slightly.
And, other than that, I'd recommend working on imagery and imagination - more figurative language and less literal language, which tends to have little impact as it reads like a list of factual statements. Paint a picture in our minds. Use something else as a metaphor for this feeling of being 'so low' - have a good balance of heart and mind, so that you do not over-intellectualise the emotion, but also so that you do not leave the emotion so bare that it is incomprehensible. Think of fresher ways of descrbing things: 'thin as air' is cliche, as you know.
By the way, I LOVED the picture! It is so fitting
First off, your rhyme, it did feel a bit forced. You may want to work on it. Which means keep rhyming until it works naturally.
Right there, the would you dare part, it is only added for the sake of rhyme and confuses the reader. I actually yelled out would you dare to do what!? There's no action! Then I remembered the rhyme.A epic cliche! yikes!
That rhyme I did like and it's an alright comparison, but actually, air is pretty thick. But relative to the Earth, it's like the water on a basketball, just barely there.. So depends on how you wish to look at it. From the earth's view or ours, makes a big difference. =p You may want to change that a bit, but I do like it.
Shout, now. That broke your rhyme, I don't think it's even slant rhyme. >.>
The end that his choked on itself does create a good form of speech and gives us a nice little depiction of that, tear like choking on words. To me at least. Although the like, like is weird, and seems a bit awkward. Maybe if you said, what it's like, what it's like to be me. Or something of the sort, you can mess with that if you want. =p
All in all, it was okay, not completely terrible but it wasn't all that great either.
Good luck, keep writing.
Silented1.