Published March 24, 2010
Chapter #1-
I had just gotten home from gymnastics. I dropped my bag on the kitchen counter, and jogged up the steps to the bathroom for a hot shower. I'd spent the whole ride home fantasizing about the hot water running down my back. I could feel the sweat pooled up on the back of my neck, and swipe at it, as I reach my bedroom door.
Quickly, I strip down out of my tight leotard, and grab a towel from my closet, wrapping it around my chest. I pull at my hair, ripping the hairband out of the tight ponytail, and my pale blonde hair rippled down my back. Finally, I slip out of my room, and down the hall towards my bathroom where, naturally, my 16-year-old brother, Josh; was occupying it. I guess hockey practice let out early, because usually it ends about 45 minutes after gymnastics does.
"Josh! Hurry your stinky little butt up! I need a shower too, you know!" I call, as I bang my fist on the bathroom door. I can hear Josh chuckling to himself, and can just see
the smirk on his face, "Aw, you'll get your shower soon, little sis.... soon as the hot water runs out!" He calls back. I growl, huffing loudly. I sit down outside the door, irritatedly, and, finally after about 5 minutes, the steam flooding out from under the bathroom door stops, and I can hear the faucet turn off. He pulls back the curtain, and
steps onto the soft rug. The bathroom door opens, sending me flying backwards onto Josh's feet, and his towel falls down. He quickly kicks me off, pulling the towel back around his waist with a jerk. I roll my eyes.
Once he's back in his room, retreat inside the bathroom, only to see a bunch of sweaty, dirty padding from my brother's uniform. I just sigh, and sweep them over to the wall with my foot, and lay my own towel on the toilet seat. Just as I'm about to turn on the water, I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My pale blonde hair waterfalls down my back. But, my fair, muscular skin is covered with large, quarter-sized bruises on my arms, spine, and legs. Obviously, since I train 28 hours a week, I'm used to bruises.
But not like this; not this many. I don't even know where these came from! I didn't fall at all today, and yesterday was Sunday, so we didn't have practice. I press my thumb against one on my upper thigh, and wince, as a shot of pain jolts through my leg. This is not good. But maybe I should just think nothing of it..... But maybe I shouldn't.
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141,447 Literary Works • 674,460 Reviews
If you don't mind me saying so, the story is starting off a bit bland. It's a bit too much slice-of-life, all mundane actions and not much to hold the reader's attention. The bruises that come later do hook the attention a bit, but not nearly enough. Too vague, which would be fine if only there was something else that would pique our curiosity earlier on, segue in with that element.
That semi-colon should be a comma. Don't abuse semi-colons. The comma is, and always will be, your greatest friend.Overall, I'd recommend trying to make it start a bit more intriguing. Give me something to sink my teeth in, something that'll hold my attention until the action starts.
I'm really new to critiquing however, I must say--with a bit of editing and taking all the suggestions of the others--I'm hooked. Really, I have a feeling of why she has the bruises and it makes me want to read on to see if I'm right. Keep on writing and edit, edit, edit C:
this was really good there were a few mistakes read it out loud and I am sure you will find them
Coolio! You should spell out numbers and not change tences... I would like a descript of Josh and more of Yourself..... where's the mom? work? What time is it? These questions are important to your readers!! Anyway, I loved the story. It's so thought provoking... Why does she have all those bruises? *shudder*
sionarama
Thanks for the review Fiction! I'm new here, and you're my first reviewer, so it means alot to me. The paragraph thing was an error; I'll fix it.
About the bruises, you'll see. 
Thanks!
~Elfy
It was okay. Make sure you don't mix up you tenses as far as the main character goes. I also have one suggestion...
I think this should all be part of the same paragraph because you made a second paragraph and cut the last sentence in the first paragraph in half.I wonder why the main character has all those bruises? Anyway keep writing and posting Fiction.