Published July 19, 2011
Before you read: This poem was inspired by the song, "Music Box Angel" by Michele McLaughlin, in case you don't guess that the angel in the box is a music box angel.
Now that I live with Father, all things come in a box—clothing from the House, books, even food.
So I wasn’t surprised when I found it on the street—
An angel in a box.
Now that my brother moved in, the books are ashes in the hearth, the clothes have been beaten from my shoulders, and any food and water is taken by anyone but me.
So it’s no surprise I hid—
An angel in a box.
What did she do to end up stuck in this world?
I tried to help her fly; I broke the music box, and flung her into the air; but her wings were still, and so she fell—
An angel in a box.
I have no wings to fly—only my hiding place, my box.
I am a fallen angel, and so I dance—
An angel in a box.
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138,958 Literary Works • 672,365 Reviews
Grammar, punctuation, use of description, everything checks out quite well - I do think that you jumped a little from one theme to the other. You mentioned the Father thing, and yet it was very unclear as to whether you lived in an abusive home or whether you were just poor or something. Expand on that point - it would make the work more emotional and add weight to the poem. I liked the 'angel in a box' metaphor too, it felt very natural and original.
Very good concept; the layout is great too. You have used a fairly simple idea to the best of your own abilities. However, for next time, some lines are a bit too long. Perhaps you could space them out or remove some unnecessary parts. Overall this a great poem. Keep up the good work.
The concept is very interesting although I feel that the end of poem was very random. "I am a fallen angel and so I dance" to be exact. Your travelling from one stanza to the next was very vague, and I was confused as to how you got there. Perhaps if you made this a bit longer and explained the sequence of events it would be up to its full potential.