A thousand words floating vicariously through the air
Watch the men and women gather
Is this for an escape?
A haven to play
A mig-shift heaven to lay
A thousand words floating vicariously through the air
Do I dare ask where?
Brits and Hicks with their hissy fits
Twist and mingle
They began to dwindle the time with hate
I am a lady ready to mate
I offer them more than they can refuse
Cheap perfume to impress, no latex so to make you my ex
Consuming just a bit of time
From Sogo’s to Moguls
"I gets my way" I always say, to start it all again the following day.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,015 Literary Works • 672,847 Reviews
I'll be honest and say I didn't love this piece but I did find it intriguing and I think there's potential. Made me think of Salome by Carol Ann Duffy. If you haven't read it, you should give it a try ^^ I'm going to start with a quick line by line and then summarize what I did and didn't like about the poem and hopefully give you a few tips/ ideas on how to improve it.
[Must it be a thousand? That adds a feeling of cliche to an otherwise nicely worded first line. Think of another way to describe the words, something original that will also add detail to your picture. So. You're going for cinema, film, maybe... The borrowed words or The stolen words?]First the title. That didn't make much sense to me, might be why I found the poem hard to follow at the beginning. After a little research, I think it's a cinema? That gives you some marks back in the coherence category but it still isn't the most thrilling title. Aim for something a bit more dynamic.
[These lines are a tad fragmented and don't do much to build the image. It's also not theatrical enough considering your subject. For example a more exciting way of writing it would be:
Look! There; they gather like crows,
shoulders hunched. Conspiracy!
An escape! A flight, maybe...
Just a quick example.]
[Nice, I like it. Good wording.]
[Too much forced rhyme in this piece. If you're going to rhyme in this way, you should compliment it with rhythm so it doesn't intrude so much. Before deciding to use rhyme, ask yourself two things. One. Does it sounds natural? Two. Why am I rhyming? Do I have a specific effect in mind or am I doing it because poetry rhymes?]
[Was loving this line until the cringe-worthy rhyming.]
[Again, something I like about this line until it hits that rhyming.]
Things you did well
- Some clever wording in there and some powerful lines, especially toward the end.
- You kept my interest. There were some images there, though they could have been stronger, and a lot of intrigue.
Things you did not so well
- The rhyming. Add some rhythm and some purpose or cut it or at least make it more subtle.
- Coherence. It was a little vague, perhaps because you was writing about a specific film or perhaps I missed the mark entirely. Either way, try to make it a little clearer.
- The title. Didn't draw me in. I wouldn't have read this except that it didn't have many reviews and I prefer to go for stuff that hasn't got many comments.
Well I hope this helps a little,
Heather xx
Hullo.
I don't really know what you're trying to say here. You're running the risk of rambling over excessively abstract ideas that sound nice, but don't leave much of an impression on the reader. Some of the rhyming, for instance, is a bit strong - "Twist and mingle[i] / They began to [i]dwindle the time with hate". In other words, all that connects the piece is the sounds. Otherwise, the imagery, grammar and descriptions just come across as jaunted and irritating. My main advice for you would be to simply reread it and ask yourself whether you're truly exploring what you want to say. If you were to pick this up a few days later, would you remember what you were talking about? Great poetry is often abstract, but it also sticks true to its theme throughout and doesn't sound random!
Also, I'd avoid using long words in the interest of sounding cool; "vicariously" is one such example. I personally find that it detracts from the image, and in poetry, every syllable really needs to count!
I hope I helped,
Mark
Greetings I'm LastPaladin and this is very abstract and don't think I fully understand it. It's well written, and great use imagery but I'm truly nonplussed as what this is about. I'm trying to understand, from what I get it's quite shall we say angry and resentful, but I've not a full clue why. It's also gritty and edgy, but not forcefully so, it flows naturally with this style. I honestly couldn't see this poem done any other way. But the scheme is also rather chaotic and at times confusing like what is 'mig-shift heaven' that term not only had me scratching my head, but also google, so I'd like to know. It's a good piece but it's too confusing and jaded for my liking. It had wonderful imagery but confusing images.
Overall: This is an engima within a puzzle, I'm not fully sure what it's about but I feel the jaded voice throughout is a little too angst for my liking.
Sorry couldn't be much more help.
This was really good. I loved the way the poem just flowed, and they way it was written.
Thats it. I seriously loved it.
~WickedWonder
Hi element, interesting poem. You do a good job of setting a scene and conveying a mood. I had some problem with your rhyme scheme, as it seems to go in and out without much pattern. I really liked the opening/repeated line. It sets the mood of the piece perfectly and creates a great image. My biggest problem was that at the end of the poem I was left wondering what the meaning of this piece is. I wasn't able to pick up on any clear point. I suggest thinking about your intentions with this poem and then tightening it up to more clearly reflect what you're trying to say.
Good work.