This doesn't really...express my wishes or whatever, but it's fairly 'lyrical'.
Anyway, this is just a (really dark) piece of progressive rock I wrote today. It's about the government, the people in gray and all that. Well, I'll leave it to you to figure that out.
There's music that goes to it, so if I find a way to host it, I might post it (haha, rhymes).
__________________________________________________________________
When you're on your own
you learn to care for yourself.
You don't need a trimmed jet-black tie,
you don't need to hold your head up high.
You don't need a sharp business suit,
you don't need a pair of expensive boots.
All you need is a sharpened blade,
to kill the men who don't make the grade.
You gotta watch your back, keep on your toes,
you gotta pick off the easy meat with your eyes closed.
When you're on your own
you don't ponder the meaning of life.
You gotta live on the edge of your knife.
You lead the life of solitude,
you know when you've been beat up, spit on and screwed.
When you're on your own you don't live in denial.
You don't worry about looks, don't worry about style
like those pigs downtown working nine to five
with their fast cars and big cigars
and reserved space on the first flight to Mars.
With them divorce is the course of choice,
the media is their only voice when they're
driving around in a bulletproof Rolls-Royce.
When you're on your own
you gotta have a real need,
for the things that you love can never bleed or breed
or plead or feel greed or mislead you.
The thing that you love is a 9 millimeter,
it really doesn't mind how you treat her.
The things that you love are a stainless steel blade,
a sawn-off shotgun and a pin-less grenade.
When you're on your own,
you learn to heal yourself.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
It does sound like a rap, lol. I liked it; I do think that it was a little... repetitive in its message, but at least the way you conveyed the message wasn't too redundant. You could've cut out several stanzas and retained the meaning intact, though, which probably means that you wrote too much.
Also, the ending struck me as very abrupt, especially considering how lengthy and almost verbose everything before it was.
Well, made some changes that you suggested.
As I look back, I'm not sure I like it. I'll probably make it longer and change the fourth stanza. It just sounds too much like a rap.
I enjoyed this, very powerful, and the emotion really shone through. The theme was great, the sentiments were strong, and I liked your imagery and phrasing. It was a well laid out piece. I have a couple of quibbles about rhythm and the likes, though.
The first two lines were good, and I liked the way in which you isolated them. It made them more powerful.
The first stanza was good, but I'd omit the first"the" from line six, so it would read;
"to kill men who don't make the grade."
I'd also get rid of the second "you gotta" from line seven, as it makes teh line too long, disrupting the rhythm.
Stanza three was good, but I'd change "on your own" to "alone", andthe way it's laid out to;
"When you're alone you don't ponder
the meaning of life,
You gotta live
On the edge of your knife
You lead the life
Of solitude
You know when you've been beaten up,
spit on and screwed."
Though I know you want to sing this, so maybe you'd need a different rhythm for singing it than you would for speaking it. If so, ignore such points. I'm no song writer.
The fourth section was good, very powerful,and teh symbols and imagesrocked, but you broke away from your rhyming scheme, and I'm not sure that worked.In the second section, you went aabbccdd, and I'd do that again, rhyming the end of line four with "five",Basically, I'd either maintain the couplets here, or change the rhyming scheme in the second section altogether.
The sentiments in the last stanza are good, but again I'd either establish a fixed rhyimg scheme, or not rhyme at all, which could be problematic if you want to sing this.
I liked the last two lines, they were powerful, and wrapped it up nicely, and again their isolation increased their strength,
Overall, it was a good, powerful piece, with good imagery and emotions.
Oh, I didn't mean the all should be in lower case. I meant that you need an 'a' in there that you missed out. Sorry about that, guess I should have been clearer.
Well, the nobody really reads the lyrics forum, and I thought I had a better chance of getting it reviewed here.
But why should 'All' be in lower-case? It comes after a period.
I think this is actual lyrics rather than lyrical poetry, especially if you have music that goes with it. Lyrical poetry isn't really made to be sung...
Anyway, as for the piece of writing, it was really good. The rhythm and rhyme work perfectly and I only have one small suggestion -
All you need is sharpened blade, [This should be 'all you need is a sharpened blade']
Other than that though, I can't fault it. It's well written, the words are brilliant and I could see this being made into a proffessional song. Seriously, I really like it so keep up the good work.