Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and mature content.
disclaimer: this is an essay written by a character of mine (from Coffee, Grit, and my Dad's Best Shoes) named Michael. It never appears in the novel, but I thought it deserved a little lime-light because it's sassy and satirical and was his way of dealing with a homophobic teacher. Obviously, he was being sarcastic throughout the entire thing.
In Fifty Years, North America Will be...
Well, if the Gay Agenda has anything to say about it, we'll be looking at a place that's more like GAAAYYYYmerica, if you know what I mean. I've been attending regular after-school meetings in Hell every Wednesday for months now, and I must say, things are running along rather smoothly.
According to our data, heterosexuality will be wiped out in the north-western hemisphere by the year 2047. Our anti-family propaganda (that, ironically, promotes families; I suppose heteronormality has a problem with how unconventional it is) has taken off well, and gay couples are now able to purchase African babies at low, affordable prices. Of course, the only reason we want Africa's babies is to bathe them in fruity drinks and play Adam Lambert to them as they sleep to ensure that they grow up to be as homosexual as possible. This privilege is, obviously, cut off to the heterosexual public.
On top of that, recent studies show that starting your children on musicals at the ripe age of seven will also increase their chances of being attracted to the same sex. We've concluded that this is powerful weapon, and we already have a number of white gay theatre boys tromping around in fedoras and corsets with their sweater sleeves tied around their shoulders. Soon, they'll take over the entertainment industry altogether, with the help of such actors as Ian McKellan and Neil Patrick Harris. We've estimated that this can be accomplished by 2023.
Once we have successfully and completely infiltrated your modes of entertainment and removed your beloved het characters, we'll begin replacing them with ultra-gay role models for your lovely boys and girls.
Obviously, those under the age of twenty-five are our target, and the media covers nearly every sub-group within that range (you don't think we've got your childrens' television shows? Ever noticed how absolutely gaaayyyy that blue Doodlebop member is? Toopy and Binoo's about a male, cross-dressing rat who shares a bed with an also-male cat. Let that sink in for a second). We've deduced that this will convert roughly 40% of heterosexual civilians by 2027.
To more thoroughly comb over the children of this fine continent, we've been encouraging the members of the Gay Agenda to hold hands in public. Based on research currently being conducted in hell, watching boys hold hands in public increases a five year old boy's chances of becoming gay by 70%. The same rule applies to young girls watching lesbian couples snuggle on park benches. We've also snuck rainbows into toy sets the globe over, and are introducing childrens' books that include kids with two parents of the same sex. All of this brings up the 40% converstion rate in 2027 to 43% by 2028.
Moving away from the children, we slip into an age demographic of roughly fifteen to twenty-four. For them, we have entire websites dedicated to gay porn that features both gay men having sex with men, and straight men having sex with men (frat porn is thus far our biggest seller). Lesbian porn has been integrated as well, and boys who like to see girls turned on will slowly shift to wanting to watch two men. Girls will, of course, hear that there's porn that doesn't make them the victims of abuse, and will run speedily to watch the abandoned lesbian porn. This alone brings up our percentile to 60% by 2033.
Those of us who hit up gay bars on a weekly basis are encouraged to bring our heterosexual ally friends in hopes that they'll slip into homosexual habits with some of the regulars. The public sex, loud music, and drug availability within these clubs will hopefully aid in reducing the "ally's" ability to think clearly, thus rendering them more suseptible to seduction. Our number goes up to 70% of heterosexual to homosexual conversion by 2034. The fruity drinks (which your manly straight men will be forced to drink, thus causing their masculinity to dwindle drastically) will tack on another 1% to make 71% all by themselves.
And by then, the rest is clockwork. The insane number of homos ripping around will cause people to convert and start dating those of the same sex due to societal pressures. Gay men and women will take over the government and our businesses, strip them of their boring exteriors, and gay-ify them with glitter and an inordinate amount of rainbow colour schemes. Remaining heterosexuals will be forced to slip into their own closets and date and marry those of the same sex due to societal expectations and fear of judgement. With the removal of legal opposite-sex marriages that will happen in ca. 2037, heterophobia will finally take its final hold on society.
Once the conversion is complete, other measures to ensure that North America remains as absolutely, fabulously gay as possible will be taken. These include, but are not limited to:
A new addition to the law (after all laws that give heterosexuals any rights whatsoever are removed), a new section, to be known as Paragraph 176 will be added. It has not yet been decided what, exactly, will be in this paragraph, but it will ensure that heterosexuality is criminalized. For example, one law brought in under Paragraph 176 will state that any man caught not swishing their hips while walking around in public will earn a five-year prison sentence, no trial necessary.
Also, in a survey recently conducted by Neil Patric Harris, data showed that gay couples will be able to have biological children by 2018 (a fact that will be hidden until the full conversion, so that methods may be perfected by our leading scientists). These children will all, of course, be homosexual. They will be equipped with sacs in their anuses that produce glitter when gas is expelled from the body, which will be absolutely magnificient, because we'll all be walking around naked.
The exteriors of all buildings must contain at least four bright, gaudy colours, and those containing less than the entire makeup of the Pride flag must also be adorned in glitter and doilies.
Any child born heterosexual will be institutionalized until they can prove that they are attracted to the same sex, and the same sex only.
Pride Week will become a daily occurance.
Hard liquor will be removed from North America.
Traditionally masculine activities will only be available to girls, and traditionally feminine activities will only be available to men.
Interior design, theatre, art, and fashion will replace maths, general science, history and English as the four core subjects in schools all across North America.
As you can see, in fifty years, heterosexuality will be completely wiped out. North America will be a happier, more homosexual place, and the Gay Agenda will be the only agenda.
- mostly just my GA meetings in hell
- Michael W. Levwitt