Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
And here's the second chapter! This scene is a lot shorter than the previous ones, but I really didn't know how to continue it, so whatevs, it'll stay like that. Also, note that Brazil is, for whatever reason, a lot more difficult to write than Parker is. Mostly, I'm just worried that his voice will be stiffer or choppier to read. Thanks in advance!
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Chapter 2
Brazil
"Did he upset you?"
It was the first thing out of anyone's mouth after he'd left. Nicky had moved to sit by my legs, hand on my knee, eyes plastered to the wall. It took me a few seconds too long to process that the words had come from her mouth, and that the question had been directed at me, and that I should probably have answered faster than I did.
"No," I said, finally. Firmly. "He upset me more when he wasn't here." I settled back, gaze drifting from Nicky to Michael. From Michael to the wilting flowers on the dresser that was leaning on the far wall.
I listened to Nicky sigh. "I still think he's just trying to suck up," she muttered, drumming her fingers against my knee- the good one, thank God. Not that it was difficult to tell. The giant cast on the left sort of gave me away.
I flinched a little, in any case. "Nicky..." I didn't understand her. She was the one person in the world that I had a hard time reading. The one person whose ability to hang onto anger astounded me. Honestly, it's probably why I liked her so much- if you couldn't understand it, befriend it and shower it in affections and wonder. I just wished that Parker didn't have to juggle the hostility.
"What?" I looked back at her, frowning at her scowl, not particularly caring if she saw it or not. "Braz, he left you in a freaking ambush. At least one of those bruises should've been meant for him."
I felt my shoulders tensing and let my throat constrict. Even if words had been possible at that point, I wouldn't have been able to dig any out and order them into a coherent string. I wasn't angry with her; I wasn't even that frustrated. I just couldn't get over the things that Parker's face would've been doing if he could've heard what Nicky was saying. Unbeknownst to most, he was as sensitive as I was.
"Okay." It was the first thing Michael had said since Parker had headed out. I was just glad that at least one of us could still buck up and say what was on our mind. Nicky was afraid of upsetting me, and I was too tired to discuss the issue with her, anyway. So Michael sighed, rubbed his forehead, and stuffed both hands into his pockets. "Nicky, you should've seen the guy yesterday. Seriously, you're so not the only one who was still pissed at him. He walked in and I kinda wanted to sock him so hard his head fell off his white-ass shoulders."
I winced. "Am I really the only one that didn't want to kill the poor man?"
I got a, "Yes," from Nicky and a simultaneous, "Probably," from Michael.
The former stood, the latter sat back down in his chair and kept going. "But I've never seen the guy that vulnerable. Like, it took the entirety of two minutes before I was feeling bad for hating him. He's sorry, Nicks. And he's beating himself up about this plenty without one of us going at him, too."
I licked my lips during the moment of silence, folding and unfolding the seam of my sheet, just for something to do with my fingers. "I still don't see what the big deal is." I waited until I could feel both pairs of eyes drilling into either side of my head. "He made a mistake. So what? It's... guys, it's just high school drama. We don't need to turn him into the villainous cheer captain in some crappy high school movie written for forth graders."
"You got beat up, Braz!" Nicky was pacing before I could blink, storming the length of the room in either direction twice, and then plodding to the dresser to scowl at the flowers.
Michael rubbed his forehead. Again. "He healed. Three years ago. He survived, and Parker survived, and the perpetrators were accordingly punished for their sins, and now Parker's sorry and Braz is forgiving him. I dunno, Nicks. That's good enough for me. I mean, we weren't the ones who got beat up. If the kid who actually got railed can forgive and forget, I kinda figure that we can, too." His hands met his knees with a loud slapping noise. "Now. I so didn't fly here from the fucking Yukon to bitch about Parker. Can we play Uno and talk about dolphins or something?"
I smiled gratefully and nodded, reaching for the pack of cards that was on the nightstand, perched rather happily on top of the book Parker'd given me yesterday. Michael had been our mediator since we were thirteen, and apparently, moving to a figurative No Man's Land hadn't changed that.
"Stop staring at those flowers, Nicky," Michael said. "The more you glower at them, the deader they're gonna get. We'll buy him new ones." He slipped from the chair to dig the tray out from under the bed and set it on my lap, adjusting it just so before I started dealing out the cards.
Nicky sighed, striding over to fall into her chair. "You're both going to lose again, I hope you realize." She picked up her pile. "The only person I've lost against thus far is Francis."
Michael laughed. "Intimidating. You've been championed by a nine year old girl."
"She's a Liu," Nicky shot back. "She-Lius are all like, natural cards masters or something." She tipped her head in my direction. "The he-Lius are less so."
A snort from Michael. "Mrs. Liu hasn't beaten you, yet. Doesn't she count as a she-Liu?" He nodded at me. "I vote Braz takes first turn and we move counter-clockwise. I hate going last."
I raised an eyebrow at him, but there was a groggy smile tugging at my lips nonetheless. "That's considerate of you, Michael." I looked back at the tray and cleared my throat. Had I been a couple shades lighter, I was sure that my blush would've been visible. "Also, the parental unit she-Liu has beaten me, so. Yeah, the she-Lius are all cards masters, I guess."
"Told you," Nicky muttered, a victorious smirk playing her lips. Michael blew a raspberry at her, and I chuckled past a growing knot of pain in my chest.
We'd only been playing for a few seconds before Michael chimed in with a,"So. Dolphins. Like, what's up with them?"
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Hey Isha!
So my laptop broke last week (fun!) so I'm on the market for a new one, but for the moment I'm back and I shall dive right into this.
I dunno if this thought merits a fragment.
Wee! We finally find out, or get some clues as to what happened. So, my thoughts are that Parker and Braz had some kind of argument (only time will tell what about!) and
Parker left Braz somewhere, and he was assaulted shortly afterwards (hate crime?) While I can understand the responsibility that Parker shares in this, I don't know
if I fully understand all this anger from Nicky and the rest of the group-- they treat Parker as though he were exiled or something from the group, or as though he intended for this whole thing to happen. Now, Michael does try to reason with Nicky, so that sort of makes me believe that Parker isn't as wholly responsible for this whole thing as he's made out to be? But then, it's sort of weird for Parker to have waited all this time and only now realized about the accdient, so there's that too.
Now I don't know the whole story yet as I'm obv still reading, but I figured it's helpful to see a reader's perspective/thought process? I hope so anyway.
My thoughts are that it could be that this "fight" that Braz/Parker had really had hurt the two of them emotionally, and that's terribly difficult when you share mutual friends - it's
just that from my vantage point as someone trying to fit the pieces together, I don't quite understand why the entire blame would fall onto Parker for leaving, and not the actual
assailants themselves. Had Parker stayed, would he have had the power to stop it? And considering it's led to a broken leg/etc/an entire month in the hospital, it must've been by a mob of people, or at least someone ridiculously violent and perhaps Parker and Braz just happened to be at the wrong place/wrong time? Or perhaps they're mad, because Parker left Braz in the middle of a highway to hitchhike or something?
THAT would make sense because then he'd be directly responsible for putting him in that situation, I guess that I was just thinking like, oh he left him at a party and it got violent or something P; But then, did he get assaulted, or was it just an accident/like a swerving car? Or I guess it's plausible hitchhikers get jumped. So yeah, we're getting pieces of the puzzle but not yet the whole story.
The timing stuff confuses me @-@ three years ago this happened? Why's Braz still in the hospital - unless he's been in a coma? And then Parker's just kept away the entire
time?
The moving to a no man's land is another line that makes me think that Braz has been in a coma, like he's been in limbo/no man's land? But then, if he's been in a coma, these scenes would've suggested so from the very beginning, and so it doesn't make sense to me that I *just* found out he was in a coma? I just thought he was in a recent accident. (Edit: I went back to look at chapter one again, and I realize part of my confusion is just my memory as it's been a week or so since I've looked back at this -- when I read the first chapter, I realized that it was mentioned that Braz has been in the hospital for an entire month, which would make sense to me if you've serious injuries! But ....the three years thing?)
I learned in this chapter that the accident involved Parker leaving him, and Braz getting beat up. It's hard to connect the three years thing, to the fact that this story takes place in a present
time of Braz waking up from his accident and everyone mad at Parker, who in previous chapters it's been hinted that he's been absent from this whole thing. Was Parker absent for the month Braz was at the hospital, or was he absent for the entire three years? O.O
The only thing I can really assume to connect all these elements together is that there were TWO incidents, one that took place 3 years ago and one that happened recently with the same assailants? But then, if the assailants were sentenced three years ago, how are they back? Unless I missed something major, which is plausible. Or is the no mans land he refering to Parker and maybe he moved away? Or is he saying that Michael moved to a no man'sland? In this sentence, I'm not quite sure who it is referring to, and how these pieces are connecting.
Overall this chapter serves to fill us into some of the details, of course, it seems to me that the more we learn, the more questions we have! Questions are good to have, that's good writing and it does make me want to read further -- but confusion is a different thing entirely. So I suppose you would know if I'm asking the right questions, or if I'm just waaayyy off on something, yeah, maybe there's something I missed or didn't pick up on. Maybe I'm overthinking something. S'okay though. This is still deliciously full of heart and story. Now if I can just figure out where this plot is taking me...
~ as always, Audy
I finally got here!
I know I said I would get here yesterday about a week ago, but I'm here now which is what really matters.
It's totally official. Michael is my favorite character.
It would take me a second to realize she was talking to me too- and that's without the pain meds. Why isn't she looking at him?
I don't know why this is two sentences or why you have From Michael. It doesn't add anything, if you get what I'm saying. It would be just as good as "...to Michael to the wilting..."
(And I want to keep typing Micahel >.<)
So, I understand what you meant by this, but when I read it the only thing I thought was, "Really, out of all the angry people in the world she's the only one he has a hard time understanding?
In their group? I can understand. Of the people he really cares about? Alright. This is one of those obnoxious nitpicks that don't really matter that much, but I think this calls for some rewording. I do love the sentiments voiced after this though.
Just as an example, this is one of those places where it's a little hard to see who's speaking as another reviewer mentioned. It's the bolded sentence that causes it. Braz isn't the one talking, but he's describing his actions. It's a little confusing.
(But on another point, surprise! Parker was at Braz's mugging? This information is quite intriguing...)
When did Michael stand up?
So, I know Parker is all feminine and stuff, but doesn't football captain make more sense? Maybe not xPTeehee, I forget this is a global site sometimes. Ignore me.
I think either should be both. When I think of either it's normally to choose one direction or the other.
Why is he blushing?
So... 'parental unit' is a noun and 'she-Liu' is a noun and it makes the sentence kinda clunky. How about 'parental she-Liu'?
I feel like I've ripped your poor scene to shreds. :s I hope not. I really think it's cute to see this little trio hang out together. They're so different and yet the gel together so well. And I think towards the end I started to understand that there were two separate beatings. The one that landed him in the hospital and the one everyone's angry at Parker for. So... That's cool.
On to 2.2!
Megs~
Hi again!
Ooh, I love multiple-POV stories! It was so nice to hear from Braz's perspective.
Once again, the dialogue and character development is flawless. The flow was perfect. The wording was great. Same awesomeness as usual.
It's just such a refreshing and realistic story. I haven't read anything else like it on YWS, which is great in itself. I'll be eager to find out more of the details and backstory as it goes along.
Some nitpicks:
You can remove that pesky comma.
Should be a space after the "a" and comma and before "so."
Otherwise, incredible! Do keep writing.
AHHHH! Finally, Braz's POV <3
Okay so now we know why Nikki and Michael hate Parker so. And now I am even more certain that Parker and Brazil were a couple, ja?! Why else would they have gotten beat up?
This was amazing, asdfghjkl. My only complaint is that you're taking sooo long to get to why Braz is in the hospital. What did he do? What happened? I need to know Dx
Anyways, there isn't much to critique, other than I loved this. I love the switch in POVs, I love being able to see Braz's view on everything, and especially his inner thoughts and emotions. I also love the character relationships, and how much Michael and Nikki love Braz. I also adore the hatred and mixed feelings the three of them have for Parker, yes. It's so nice to see conflict. <3
(suggestion: change the rating to a 18+ because f-bomb c:)
I'm off for more!
Hi, I've come to review your story!
I haven't read the first chapter, so bare with me...
This was awesomely written. I loved your characters, they're fun, believable, and they're well connected. Also, Uno is a pretty awesome game... until you've killed it, by over playing it, at least! I thought the card game made it flow wonderfully. I love it when people keep their characters busy!
Now, I did find that the dialogue could get a little hard to understand... and by that I mean that I wasn't always sure who was talking. I know you made it so that each persons dialogue was separated from the others, but they're still in those big paragraphs, and readers ( such as myself ) don't always realize that's what you're doing, so we don't always understand who's talking.
Maybe if you tried putting they're names after a little more, or he/she. Another thing that may help is keeping the dialogue out of the big paragraphs.
Just my thoughts, anyways...
I really enjoyed this overall, so, keep up the great writing!
See you around!
-Socks
Hey Isha!
I hope you feel honoured. You get my 700th review, yay
So. It was a short chapter but it gives up a lot of a bigger hint as to what went on between Braz and Parker before. Of course, one hint leads on to us wanting more and more. I'm looking forwards to knowing why and who beat him up, and why it was Parker's fault? But that's for future chapters now too.
And yes, this chapter did tell us quite a bit more about Michael, because he's keeping them all together and everything. Also, is Nicky a girlfriend of anyone's? I'm not sure because all of them are so cosy-friendly with each other, that I'm sure that if one of them was romantically closer to another I might not have noticed. Just wondering.
I don't feel like I have much criticism for you at all really. You can't go much wrong with a short chapter full of character. So I suppose I wait for the next?
Deanie x
Thanks, Deanie!

And no, Nicky's not presently romantically involved with anyone. The entire group's just pretty touchy.