Published August 11, 2011
Didn't take as long as it should. Read over parts if not understood. Feel free to fix, or comment.
Smiling Misery
My head is clouded by thoughts of love,
Convinced by red flashes around my vision,
Sudden adrenaline, horror start to shove,
Into the walls of my mind, thudding, screaming with collision.
Blankly staring down at two objects,
Pondering what they caused me, happiness or conflicts,
They shiver, quiver, shedding tears of red,
I can almost feel their fear, terror, dread,
Between them, s long cold steel shimmering blade,
Sparkling, shaking, drenched in the confusing shade.
White overcomes my mind and eyes,
Visions of Paradise start to become clear,
Running across a field of green, with my second heart,
Awaking into doubted reality, by a cry betrayal, so very sheer.
I squint, shade my eyes,
From that constant glare,
Focused on only one thought, a dare, without care,
One more glimpse, smell, touch, of a stand of hair.
After regular blackouts, I can’t tell actuality and dream apart,
I, shocked, with a transfixed stare beneath, petrified,
At the murder of my love, my life, my second heart,
Then plunged steel through my first, smiling as I died.
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138,198 Literary Works • 672,081 Reviews
I think part of the reason people didn't worry about the rhyme scheme here was because for many of the lines, they didn't rhyme. Objects and conflicts don't rhyme; neither do eyes and glare, so it seems like in this message, you didn't let yourself get entirely consumed by the need to rhyme.
That being said, you did still fall prey to it. For example, did you have shade in mind before you wrote the word blade? Most likely not, and you probably THINK it came pretty naturally when you were thinking of a rhyme, but if you were not intent on rhyming where ELSE would your thoughts have gone?
also, you have a lot of colors, but very few grounded sights or images. can i see just ONE thing as clear as day, as clear as you can possibly get it? images, again, are anchors. we need them to get through your poem. give us a good one and we can work with it for the duration if you play your cards right.
did you notice you went from red to white to green to black? was there a significance in changing colors instead of painting the scene with just one or two? your poem is a short one. there's not a lot of room for movement, so keeping one color will help bring it together.
also, please please please: 'so very'?? that does ABSOLUTELY nothing for your poem.
find the words without substance and take them out. 'so very' should be the first to go every time. every time. they are empty words. when you take out the empty words, the remaining words get stronger and stronger and mean what they should mean, so you can work with powerful tools instead of watered-down ones.
Hellå! Very vivid piece you've got here, I admire your creativity! You've also managed creating a great rythm and flow with your rhymes while still keeping it non-forced! Great work! I both love the beginning, which got me hooked immidiately and the ending which... even though it was real sad, was beautiful!
4/5 icky, sticky spiders to you!
Good Luck & Keep Writing
// Demoness
Awesome. Just awesome. I loved it! I'm not going to be really picky about anything, mostly because it doesn't need it. Your rhyme scheme was perfect. The poem flows nicely and I didn't feel like it was at all forced. The first sentance was also perfect. It drew me in and caught my attention. Your poem also kept my attention, which is usually pretty hard to do. You should ignore some of the other nitpicks from previous posts. I understood it and loved it! Completely!
Hey there Toe!
Okay, review time!
Okay!
(o) About Nitpick A - Your first paragraph's stanza had four lines, so did the third, fourth and fifth. But the second had six. This spoils the structure and the presentation of the poem.
(o) About Nitpick B -
I'm sorry, but strand? I didn't quite get this line. No, this paragraph.
(o) About Nitpick C - This paragraph didn't actually give the feeling. Infact, (this may sound harsh, I am extremly sorry.) this whole poem was rather confusing. I didn't quite get what you were trying to say. It may just be me, but, well, yeah.
I am soo sorry. It could have been better if you had re-read your poem from somebody else's angle before submitting. Reading it from your point of view may seem easy 'cause well, you know your poem. This used to happen for me too, you can check my first couple posts. They were so confusing and soooooooooo random, poeple didn't even know what the point was. So I learned to veiw from Point B. Another person's angle. Try that.
But, the postive note, I did like your title. Its what got me here. ^^
I'm so sorry for the harsh review. :/
-JT.
Hi there!
You forgot the 's' at the end.
It should be 'to' instead of 'of'.
This was a good poem. It flowed very well and was a fun read. The rhyme scheme was off, but other than that it was great! Keep writing!