Published January 25, 2011
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140,962 Literary Works • 673,784 Reviews
Great piece you've got, here! I love the way the tension builds throughout the piece - your imagery's great. One thing I will suggest is to try to me more economic with your periods. Having so many short and simple sentences makes the poem read a bit choppy and really takes away from the actual flow from sentence to sentence. Perhaps add a few commas/semicolons? That may help you out a bit - if you choose to edit this in the future, that is.
Keep it up, and great work!
Other than that, again, I think you did a pretty good job with this. You have the language going and it's apparent that you have the image in your head; it's more or less stringing everything together that needs some work, in my opinion. You're obviously welcome to disagree
This is very good, thank you for sharing it! I especially like the rhyming since it doesn't feel very forced as most poems do when rhyming is introduced.
For example:
Fiend and sight don't rhyme, and at first I thought this might be for emphasis, but the I saw a few more examples that were close to rhyming, but didn't rhyme. The meaning of the poem didn't feel very warped to me or anything from the rhyming, and as well the different rhymes you used facinated mem they got very creative.
Again, thank you for shareing this. This poem was very creative and had some very powerful images and rhyming in it. A very nice job. I don't have anything else to say. Or rather I don't have enough energy to write anymore, because it is very late right now.
I'm looking forrward to your future works
I am speechless. (good thing I'm typing). That is beautiful. My ideas are keep doing what you are and never stop. Though there is no such thing as being so good you can't get better.
Really good, I could feel the anger and violence as if it was my own.
I absolutely LOVED them! They were all amazing! I agree with the above comments on the little grammatical corrects, however. But the imagery was phenominal! Personally, my favorite piece was "The Night". I loved how you incoporated the "abyss" and the devil. Beautiful
Heyo Ehte!
)
Well, I'm not a poet person, but I'll be happy to share my thoughts/comments with you.
So, first thing. While I like your theme and your presentation, the flow from Night to Moon to Earth to Oceans confuses me. I'm not sure I understand what transitions you're making/implying. I think it would read a lot better if these were structured better (Or, if you have, please tell me what it is.
Devil and evil? My head says no. I mean, sometimes, it's overused.
I like the use of silence here.
As whisperer said, viscous isn't the adjective needed. It is generally used to imply liquids of high viscosity and wine isn't.
As to rhyming, I'm not sure, I entirely get it. The flow is slightly off here and there, when you try to rhyme.
And using 'the end is near' in every stanza is something I'm not quite enjoying. It is used too much to give a big effect. Maybe once at the end will be good.
Hope to've helped
~Lava.
Hi!
(EDIT: Woot! I just noticed, I made the first review! xD 
)
Nitpicks:
- Wasn't this supposed to be 'The Night'? By the way, why are there supposed to be periods after the 'mini' titles?
- I think, you should capitalize 'earth'.
- The succeeding line needs rephrasing. And, change 'to' into 'into'. (xD) Suggestion: 'as if it'll turn it into dirt'.
- I don't think 'viscous' is an appropriate adjective for a red moon. It's appropriate for 'wine' but not for the Moon.
- Since the succeeding line is a continuation of the preceding one, remove the period and don't capitalize 'I' in 'Is'.
- Also, I suggest adding 'a' after 'to'.
- Capitalize 'e' in 'Earth'.
- That actually didn't rhyme. >.<
- Correction: 'devil's'
- Maybe, you should change this to: 'Dissolving the people's problem/problems'.
- It seems like the succeeding line is a continuation of the preceding line here.
- 'liquescent' is not a noun. It seemed like you used it as one here.
- It's not really a problem but 'the end is near.' seemed too short for the preceding line. XD
This is a really nice poem
This poem is interesting to read. Keep it up!