Published January 11, 2011
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138,844 Literary Works • 672,336 Reviews
meh.
Try putting in some more stronger emotions into it.I would suggest rewriting this with a nice flow and make it more explanative.
Keep writing!
Hello I'm LastPaladin and I shall be your reviewer for today. I've noticed a depressing pattern in your poetry, it comes across as simplistic and dare I say it generic. It's why I'm forced to review another poem by you. I warn you now this will be harsh as I really wish to help you, as people helped me. So without further ado I shall begin.
Here's my main problem with this, it's simplistic to a letter and it doesn't inject any captivating imagery, in fact it follows along the line of 'telling' us and not 'showing' us. This doesn't bode well as poetry should evoke some emotion, it's a theme that should really give us a powerful feeling -- instead it seems more like a case report with flowery prose. It doesn't achieve what you wish to open our eyes.
In this case it does more than that, it just comes across as generic and weak. The theme presented here should interest, but somehow you've presented it in the blandest way possible. It exploits clichés in such a way it's degrading and detracts from the important theme you have presented.
Your choice of words weaken this further, word choice can save a poem like this. It isn't the case here, you use girl far too much. I understand this poem is focusing on this, but with something like this, you should be subtle screaming it out come across as preaching and literally quite annoying. If the issue means so much to you, show us don't talk us through it like some saccharine politician who only trying to get re-elected.
I did like one stanza, except it's a little twee.
It's not bad idea, but you could have written a love poem from this stanza, it just doesn't fit here. It just comes out of nowhere and hits you. The idea is sweet but it just doesn't belong.
Overall: You need to understand a poem like this can't rely on telling us the story it should capture the feeling with imagery and superb word choice, you have neither, you resort to cliches and tiring repetition and you come across as a hollow voice who feels guilty, but doesn't feel anything for this. It's exactly what you don't want, but sadly it happens and I can only say, work slower and remember a poem only as strong as say the way it captures. In your case this feels rushed half-done and more like a skeleton, more like a brainstorm of ideas. I'm sorry can't say much nice about this.
Hope this helped.
Wow. You are very good at setting mood. Fantastic work.