Published December 30, 2010
Refresh the spirit
Renew your soul
Face your dread Don't fear it
Find new opportunities Go near it
Make them your goal
And then again you will be whole
Your spirit now is brand new
People like this are many a few
Now take it seriously
Dont fail as previously
This is your golden chance
Dont enter a trance
So take a perfect stance
And make your future enhance
This will make you feel gay
And your consciousness glad
Don't worry this work is gonna pay
And you will say--- "I aint that bad..!!!"
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
138,225 Literary Works • 672,084 Reviews
Overall:
Personally, I'm not a huge fan of rhyme schemes. This poem is a good example why.
Not saying that I didn't like it- I think it's a good piece, and has a wonderful message. But your rhymes completely dominate your words- they drown them out by awkwardly phrasing lines to make it all fit. Remember that all rhymes don't have to be perfect. You DO need to keep the flow and rhythm, but the rhymes can be the simple sound of the word, can be in the beginning, the middle, the end, the feeling of the word. When you have it all like puzzle pieces, you forget about the picture, because you're too concerned about it all fitting.
Just my thoughts.
Nice piece though- really like the concept.
-Coral-
Oh sorry. Didn't know you was Australian. (Or wherever else they say gay for happy.)
By gay i meant happy....
Congrats on the poem that stays on topic, bro. I hardly ever seem to run into poems like that anymore. Anyways, onto some things that need to be fixed:
I like that you kept this whole poem on a pretty even scheme: no rash changes in rhythm or flow or rhyme (except the end) and that tends to show that more work was put into the poem, being that it's easy to just make a bunch of lines into stanzas and into a poem, but it's hard to make a bunch of rhyming, flowing lines into rhyming, flowing stanzas that make an even toned poem.