Published January 3, 2011
Those eyes,
which were shy.
It now tries,
to say goodbye..!!
I tried so hard
to make you mine.
But i was scarred,
entangled by a vine..!!
Why did you say no??
I was the perfect guy,
i was not a wacko,
i was your ally..!!
I tried to forget you.
I buried my heart.
I was brand new,
i gave life a fresh start..!!
I had forgot you.
You were just a distant memory.
I was so blue.
Your image was blurry..!!
Why are you back???!!!
My life was perfect..!!
I have gone off track,
you had crushed me like an insect..!!
I can't love again
because my heart is in pieces.
I say bye-bye to life then,
finally my heartbeat ceases..!!
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138,844 Literary Works • 672,336 Reviews
What I really like about this poem is that it deals with a very common guy problem. I don't think that a guy hasn't been in a situation like this. But most guys just shut up and swallow. [ no sexual refference, I swear! ] You voiced this problem. The problem of starting fresh. I loved it.
Best wishes and keep writing.
hey, i liked this poem!! out of five, i give it a four. it wasn't very deep but it was insightful. i normally dont do suggestions for the whole thing but here i go:
i didn't find any mistakes in grammar but what was up with all the exclaimation points? i loved this, it was a nice poem that was uplifting yet dark.
keep writing!
best wishes, Nessa
i think you could end the poem better, try and find some thing more then just explore it a bit more to pick it up and not make the reader think is this the end there seems more, i hope this helps.
Hello ehte, I shall be your reviewer, I want to know something first did you write this when you were younger. There a reason for this and essentially it this. The whole thing seems simplistic but not intentionally so -- I'd hope this would be a parody of angst poetry rather than a serious attempt. Alas I'm scratching my head in utter confusion at what I'm seeing. But enough of negative, I shall explain further in second paragraph, perhaps we can save some of this.
This comes across as many break up poems surface, whiny and very angst, this isn't helped by fact you use interrobang, a mark normally reserved solely for comic media, also you multiply them as if you want us to hear the scream. Words scream friend, not marks, they only deliver the intent. You don't want to have manipulate our minds into believing the emotion there, you need to show us, not scream out your point in pure frustration. Hope this cleared up why I noticed this.
Next, with further reading I notice a horrendous word choice, you have trapped yourself into juvenile rhyme scheme which can sometimes work, but the choice, the diction and even the structure does nothing to save this. Perhaps there some lines there are worthy of mention. Let me look.
This is the least cliché line in this poem and sadly can't say much except try construct poem from this here. Tall order I admit, but it's best I can offer in positive.
Last point before conclusion... Well you not only favour sloppy word style, but many of the terms ring warning bells in my head -- not because they're bad perse, but because they're so often used in poems like these. You tell us everything blatantly, which stops you establishing a connection with readers. A poem is a shared experience, you can tell when a poem written with true emotion, it really echoes the sentiment. This feels rushed and doesn't make me feel anything but annoyance. Love isn't a hard thing to write about, neither is a break up. In fact they're easy -- they're personal to you and should reflect your emotions at the time, not try be generic as possible. Poetry doesn't need to rhyme, neither does it need to reflect the web angst in full to get sympathy or any emotion from us. A poem is releasing emotion in full, you capture us and really make us feel.
Overall: If this is a first try, I'm sorry if this came across too harsh, but my points remain. You tried to hard to emulate the wrong sources and because of that you sound whiny and annoying. I want to feel the overwhelming emotion within your poem about break up, but I feel cheated and sad. Poetry is only hard when you see the wrong inspiration.
Hope this helps.