Hi, ehte. Sorry this took so long. >.<
Nitpicks:
Whom did her eyes search,
in this vast ocean of vagabonds?
- I don't think you need to put a comma after 'search'.
Travelers of desire wandering around.
The more they walked.
- Use a comma instead of a period after 'around'.
I do not know for what, did
travelers of desire wander.
- Perhaps, you meant: 'I do not know for where did travelers of desire wander.'?
Let’s talk about those golden moments.
When a flower had blossomed.
Let’s talk about those moments.
When a voice glistened, like moonlight on your face.
Let’s talk about those moments.
When pearls pelted down your eyes.
- Use commas instead of periods after the 'moments'.
- Also, I think it'll flow better if you didn't put the 'Let's talk about those moments'.
I desired to touch the moon.
Asked for the sky to be on the ground.
Desired of flowers to bloom on stones.
Searched for fragrance in thorns.
Wished for the fire to be cold.
Searched for warmth in ice.
Wanted all my dreams to come true.
- I think it's more appropriate to use commas instead of periods here except the last one.
- Anyway, these words are beautiful!
I like how poetic you wrote this poem, ehte. ^_^ However, my problem is I can't get the story clear. It seems like it's about love or relationship. I'm not sure. >.< It's like there was more focus in the words than the story.
Never stop writing.
Points: 9616
Reviews: 263
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